WELL, THE DEBATES ARE OVER, the commercials have been aired, and the operatives have been dispatched to swing states commit voter fraud and violate state, federal, and moral laws in hopes of making their talking head the new leader of the free world. Of course, the leader of the free world is most likely the Chinese head of state or the Apple board of directors (same thing?), but Americans feel better about themselves falsely believing that the empire is still proud and tall. Yes, dear Headshots loyalists, it’s election week here in the U. S. of A. And for all you undecideds out there, we’re here to help.
First of all, if you have yet to decide who you are voting for in the Presidential election, there’s a 98 percent chance that you’re a fucking idiot. Seriously. You can’t decide between President Barack Obama and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney? Really? How did you get to this column? Did someone help you turn on the computer? Explain Google? Hold your hand? For the love of the electoral college, what is wrong with you?
Okay, okay, perhaps we’re being a little harsh, though in our defense, you are probably functionally retarded. Here’s a handy review of ten key issues for this November 6.
Universal healthcare is a system by which if you are sick, the state pays for your medical expenses. Everything from the common cold to pregnancy to syphilis contracted from a donkey while on vacation in Arkansas (the leading cause of syphilis on the southern states, except in Mississippi, where the leading cause of syphilis is a woman in Jackson named Tiffany).
The alternative is healthcare provided by a health maintenance organization (HMO), a system by which rich white people living off the stock dividends provided by your fear-based inflated insurance premiums charge you 754 percent of annual income for yeast infection medication. President Obama wants “Obamacare,” whereby the state cover the extortionary medical fees, while Governor Romney wants you to duct tape your wounds together while he doubles down on your premiums.
There’s a common misconception in the United States that Barrack Obama is a Muslim, because he’s black and has a funny name and the US education system has the same budget as a the Rhode Island Coast Guard Auxiliary.
Mitt Romney is a Mormon, which means he believes in a new Jesus, multiple wives, and that a spaceship will one day come and take us all away to an uncharted beyond the Milky Way.
Of course, the Republican party Romney represents believes heavily in some variation of Jesus and space, and that the earth was created two-thousand years ago by a family of longhaired carpenters in the Middle East, and that God pretty much only loves rich white men and NFL players.
Barrack Obama believes in women. Mitt Romney does not.
4. Killing Bad Guys
On this, the two candidates pretty much agree. Obama had a team of black ops Navy Seals kill Osama bin Laden. Romney believes we need an army forty-seven times the size of China’s. Either way, it’s a good time to invest in the military industrial complex.
5. Gay Rights
Barrack Obama supports equal rights, though he’s been slow to accelerate the movement. He did repeal the Armed Forces’ “Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, but has yet to officiate a gay marriage on the front lawn of the White House.
Mitt Romney believes gay people are okay, but they’re totally not getting on his spaceship come Armageddon.
They both kind of suck on this one.
6. Post-Secondary Education
Barrack Obama supports making student loan repayments attached to your income. Mitt Romney believes that your daddy, and his daddy, and his daddy, and his daddy before that should be rich. Either way, post-secondary education is ridiculously expensive. Headshots advises you go to Canada for your degree, and if you plan on getting a communicative or perhaps fatal disease, might as well do it up there, while you’re at it.
This is a complicated one, because both candidates would inherit the worst economy since the 1930s. Obama wants to reinvest in domestic industry and green energies. Romney wants to keep the 1 percent rich while not giving a fuck about the rest of us. Either way, we’re all kind of screwed.
For some reason, Big Bird became an important part of the campaign for both parties, with Romney promising to axe public television, which annually costs tax payers about $1.35, or Romney’s income per 1000th of a second. Obama likes Big Bird. Both agree Jim Lehrer should be put out to pasture. The polarizing options break down like this: Do you want your kids to learn to count from The Count, or from their supervisor at the child labor camp where they’ve been forced to pull 17 hour-a-day shifts building model Jesus spaceships for the Romney clan and the rest of the 1 percent? 1-8-4, ha ha, hmm.
9. Climate Change
This is more an issue with the Republican party as a whole, versus the Democrats. . The GOP believes that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the evil socialist scientists, getting rich on their university endowments and Greenpeace vacations to Haiti and war torn Bosnia. The Democrats, while still confused by non-renewable resources and why it was such a cold summer, for the most part think that scientists are pretty smart dudes. This pundit can’t figure out why the Republicans, and Romney, hate science so much when it’s that very same science that will power the Mormon Jesus spaceship to the planet Kolob. Seriously. Planet Kolob. What in the name of Jesus’ sweaty taint is that?
So, there’s a 10 point examination of your choices for November 7. Either way you vote, your life will probably continue to suck for the foreseeable future as generations of income disparity and a dearth of social program have created a class division from which we are unlikely to recover. But, hey, let’s make it easy: Do you like Big Bird? Or not?
Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 QWF’s A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).