WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. With a subtitle like “Athletic Asses” you were totally ready for reading where the Headshots’ interns rated the likes of Maria Sharapova, Alana Blanchard, and Keyla Snowden on a “Hot Sports Babes” list. And, truthfully, that was our intention. But the interns took to the task with a little too much of a, well, let’s call it a vicious obsession bordering on mania including some activities illegal in most states, presenting us with a ten DVD argument, accompanied by a six hundred page document, and for some reason a bottle of Jack and twenty-one condoms.
We’ve had to shelve that project for the time being.
[Note: The hottest female athlete out there is, inarguably and absolutely, US Women’s Soccer team wingback, Kelley O’Hara.]
But no, the asses discussed herein are those of the donkey sort, sports figures who’s stupidity goes beyond the silly and excusable and into the realm of the offensive and criminal. We all know that, for the most part, athletes have the mental capacity of 3-month-old spider monkeys on crack after three shots of tequila, but they tend to be harmless, child-like in their innocence. But not the sideshows we came up with. Headshots considers the most repugnant and ignorant athletes out here right now.
1. Yunel Escobar
The former Blue Jays shortstop took to the field last season with “Tu Eres Maricon” written on his face, which translates from Spanish to, approximately, “You could totally play one of the male leads on NBC’s The New Normal, Liza, but in the meantime lemme show you where to shove that lightly-lubed Louisville Slugger”. Yunel (pronounced: Homophobic moron who couldn’t even hit .260, and plays shortstop with the grace of a three-legged drunk cat) was eventually suspended for three games, after trying to plead the old “it means something completely different in my country.” He has since been traded, and banned from using writing utensils. We’re somewhat impressed he could write so legibly on his face, but still. We wish him all the best in hell, ahem, we mean Tampa.
2. Torii Hunter
Torii Hunter, a devout Christian outfielder with children by four different women, one of whom is being prosecuted for sexual assault, told the LA Times that, “As a Christian … I will be uncomfortable because in all my teachings and all my learning, Biblically, it’s not right… It will be difficult and uncomfortable.”
Of course working on the Sabbath, one of many Biblical no-nos Hunter breaks with ferocious regularity, doesn’t seem to make him uncomfortable at all. Given Hunter’s well-documented promiscuity, poor parenting, and diminishing skills, I would argue that he would make me uncomfortable in a clubhouse.
3. Jose Canseco
Oh, Jose. A caricature of a caricature if ever there was one. Canseco, the former MLB slugger who took massive amounts of steroids, convinced his teammates to do them, had sex with Madonna, got rich, spent it all, and then wrote a tell-all book about it, is perhaps the most delusional moron to ever have stabbed himself with a needle and hit 40 homeruns.
Canseco is a Twitter sensation, but more for his peculiar idiocy than his fading celebrity. He recently began a campaign to become Toronto’s mayor, despite not being a Canadian citizen, not living in Toronto, and, oh, being Jose Canseco. Jose is the template for ego having corrupted the mind.
4. NHL Players — All of Them
The NHL recently ended a 113-day lockout which saw the cancellation of over half the season, much to the dismay of their legions of Canadian fans, and the 12 people in the States who still care about hockey.
In the end, the players signed essentially the same deal offered back in September, and lost millions of dollars in the interim.
During the work stoppage, many players took to social media to argue their case, and try and get the support of the fans. The NHL Players’ Association, a membership made up predominantly of white Canadian farm boys, should have noted that the average annual salary for a part-time employee with a high school education (which is a year or two more than what the players usually accomplish) in the country above Michigan is $21,600. Average NHL salary in 2011-12? Two point four million. That there is some bad math, though it should be noted our school district stops teaching math after grade three.
5. Ray Lewis
Ray Lewis, the 13-time Pro Bowl NFL linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens recently announced that he will retire following the Ravens playoff run. Lewis, a fierce competitor and feared hitter, killed some people once and got away with it, likely because Americans hate to jail football players for murder.
Save the Last Dance for Ray Lewis
It makes picking teams to cover the spread way more complicated. And networks and media outlets hate to mention it, because Lewis will soon work for one of them, and they don’t want to get murdered in the studio. After defeating the Indianapolis Colts in a Wild Card game, Lewis announced to his teammates that he loved them all “to death,” which to me sounds like the conspiracy to commit 53 acts of murder. Because Ray Lewis murders people.
Lance Armstrong, the Professional Baseball Writers Association of America, my little league coach Ray Quinn, all NBA players except Steve Nash, FIFA officials, anyone who is involved in choosing where the Olympics are awarded, whomever gets to marry Kelley O’Hara, Don Cherry, Michael Vick, DeSean Jackson, Jonathan Vilma, Gregg Williams, Josh Brent, Jerry Jones, Nick Saban, the NCAA, Pierre Lebrun, that guy who sold me fake Habs tickets, Stephen A. Smith, Brent Musburger, the douche who convinced teams they could charge $15 for a beer at a game, Skip Bayless, Jim Rome, anyone over 18 who calls Calvin Johnson “Megatron”, the Williams Sisters, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, Jeffrey Loria, David Samson… actually, this is a really long list.
We’re going to publish a book. Contract offers may be sent to Headshots Editor, Melissa Bull.
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