Well, after months, nay, years, of campaigning, it ended with a whimper and not a bang. The 2012 Presidential election climbed on top of America, and then came with the ferocity and grace of 17-year-old virgin high on Four Loco welcoming his girlfriend to a lifetime absent of satisfaction. Yes, dear TSJ readers, President and incumbent Barack Obama sent Mitt Romney spinning towards Kolob, with the hope of being the first alien worshipping President (excluding William Henry Harrison’s 32 days in office) with him.
And with control of the House of Representatives retained by the Republicans, we have woken up ensconced in the same old, same old. Partisan bickering and lots of John Boehner. Hope and change? Try frustration and the status quo.
So, in the words of America’s greatest President, Josiah “Jed” Bartlet, ”What’s next?” Political pundits across America arise today hungover and unemployed. Fox News’ pinstriped suits are salt stained from tears. Hillary Clinton has just purchased the domain Hillary2016.com. And in Florida, of course, they’re still counting ballots because apparently in Florida it is still 1944. Here at Headshots, we pride ourselves on bringing you bipartisan and unique offerings of the news of the day that the mainstream media won’t.
So, this fine November afternoon, basking in the glow of democracy at work, we consider the 2012 election.
1. Rape-Denier Candidates Defeated by Common Sense
Not very often that the phrase “common sense” can be used when referring to the voting public, but Headshots’ highlight of the night was the resounding defeat of Todd Akin in Missouri and Richard Mourdock in Indiana. Both candidates showed a frightening lack of respect for women not to mention a lack of sanity in creating the new and certifiable entity of rape-deniers. Their losses provided a hope and trust in the contemporary voter that we feared was absent, and sent a loud message to other rape-deniers that if you’re a complete fucking idiot, just go to work at Fox News and leave our uteruses alone.
2. A Lesbian in Wisconsin
No, “A Lesbian in Wisconsin” doesn’t refer to a mid-season NBC dramedy vehicle for Portia de Rossi, but rather the election of the US’s first openly gay (it’s not too late Jim DeMint, there’s no shame in second place) Senator, Tammy Baldwin. This is an astounding event, and massive a move forward for the LGBT community. First, a minority President in Barack Obama, then a second term to boot. With Hillary Clinton the front-runner for the Democrats for 2016, the first female US President may not be far behind. After that, why not a lesbian Prez? Have you ever argued with a lesbian? There’s no winning. The Middle East would start behaving its damn self 12 minutes after the inauguration.
3. Let’s Get High and Have Gay Sex
Colorado and Washington have apparently passed legislation legalizing recreational marijuana, which is actually under the purview of the federal government, so expect a fight perhaps all the way to the Supreme Court. Massachusetts legalized medical marijuana, making Boston the new favorite landing spot for every NFL, NBA, and MLB free-agent for the foreseeable future.
Maryland, meanwhile, seems to have passed a measure permitting same-sex couples to marry, and in Maine, the margin was 53-47 percent in favor. Similar legislations was leading in Washington at 52 percent. To the Tea Party and other extreme right wing evangelicals this means but one thing: children are going to be forced to get high and engage in gay sexual intercourse which will lead to more hurricanes and the eventual collapse of Western civilization.
4. Nate Silver Is Our New God
Nate Silver, the FiveThirtyEight blogger for The New York Times, correctly predicted the elections outcome in calling all 50 states (do they not let Puerto Rico vote anymore? Could an intern look this up, please?). Silver had come under fire a lot in the past few weeks, especially from the right, who called his use of math and science nonsense. (Man, those rich white Christian dudes hate math and science.) Silver argued that the US networks refused to let the public know how far apart Romney and Obama were in reality (and according to Silver) in order to maintain inflated election-time ratings. Silver’s book, The Signal and the Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail – but Some Don’t, has already seen its sales increase over 800% on amazon.com, and if I understand the lessons of American history correctly, we should anticipate a daytime syndicated talk show for Silver, followed by a brief marriage to Mila Kunis, followed by an arrest for something to do with midgets and cocaine, followed by redemption during the 2016 Presidential election in predicting a clean sweep for the Rodham-Clinton/Clinton ticket, followed by an Oscar winning biopic starring Shia Labeouf.
5. Donald Trump Is Getting Dangerous
Trump, never shy of the spotlight, has taken to Twitter like a 16-year-old girl scorned. In the build up to the election, the multi-billionaire called out Obama’s heritage, college records, and appreciation of Jay-Z. With four years to go before Trump turns his attentions on Hillary, there’s no telling how crazy crazy can get. Anyone with that hair and a bottomless bank account is capable of anything. While I hesitate to make predictions (I’m no Nate Silver, though I am in love with Mila Kunis) I think it’s safe to say a Republican ticket in 2016 of Trump and Jeff Foxworthy is a safe bet.
So, there you have it. Another election cycle ends. And what of Mitt Romney? Where does he go, before he goes to space heaven? I’d have to assume Fox News. But don’t ask me. Tweet Nate Silver. Dude’s got mad knowledge.
Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 QWF’s A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).