Headshots: Slut it Up, Halloween!

HEADSHOTS HATES HALLOWEEN. We hate dressing up. We hate handing out candy. We hate both orange and black.

One Halloween, back when grunge was king and cell phones were the size of small child, Headshots had a horrible argument with our girl of the month. Upon denouncing the holiday and claiming we would have no part in it, we split ways with our girl. But as Headshots drank in the bushes while ghosts and goblins passed by unawares, our guilt grew. So when the hour struck midnight, we found ourselves in a darkened and cavernous bar, searching out our love, and found her dressed as Tinkerbell. Our mouths and eager hands quickly reconciled, and all was good in the world. Unfortunately, our girl was dressed not as Tinkerbell, but rather azombie nun, and upon being discovered tongue deep in Tink by that angry undead sister, our eye was bloodied and our relationship over.

Headshots hates Halloween.

Once again All Hallows Eve is upon us. Headshots has reserved a room with a local hotelier, where we can wait out the chaos in the quiet of a suite, unnerved by our memories and unbothered by incessant doorbell ringing. What was once a yearly celebration of the dark side, and then a mode for children to dress in drag and fill their coffers with sugar, an event propped up by the dentist lobby, has now deteriorated into an excuse for young women to discover their inner slut, and for men to drink in excess as they ogle said slutiness.

Seemingly a fine set of circumstances, but Headshots believes the costumes have become tired. Slutty cowgirl, slutty nurse, Britney Spears, slutty Steve Jobs, slutty vibrator, slutty condom dispenser, and so on. All been done. But it’s not too late to make your costume a slut to remember! Headshots is here to recommend a few costumes that will make you’re the slutty belle of the slutty ball.

1. Slutty Ginger Ale

Ginger ale, long a soft drink favorite of Headshots, is admittedly the least exciting of all the soda family. It’s the vanilla of beverages. It almost makes water look interesting. But imagine it as a promiscuous young woman in stilettos. How unexpected! Now ginger ale is ALL THAT!

Simply acquire some bubble wrap, spray paint it in a translucent yellowish hue, get naked and have a friend glue it to your body. Just think of how fun it’ll be when you’ve finished that seventh Smirnoff Ice and some dude predictably dressed as a cowboy starts popping those bubbles. Yummy!

2. Slutty Antacids

Nothing is less attractive than a family sized bottle of Tums in the hands of a hungover, half-dressed goblin on November 1st.

But let’s take that notion and make it sexy. Chances are that no matter what slutty costume you choose, you’ll end up with something whitish smeared on it by the end of the night. So why not use that? Cover yourself in white chalk or cheap paint, then wrap yourself in plastic sheeting. Add a blue hat, and hello Slutty Tums! According to a Harvard study, 79 percent of women under 30 will end up being licked by the end of a Halloween party, so why not encourage some quality licking by leading the boys, and girls, to believe they’re licking away their gut rot as they’re getting into your jar.

3. Slutty Jesus


Is there a Halloween costume as underused as Jesus H.? I know what you’re thinking, what can possibly be hot about cheap sandals, and unkempt beard, and a potato sack dress. Well, Headshots sported an outfit no unlike that for a good part of the ’90s, and we always got us some.

But for Halloween, you gotta contemporize and slut it up. Halloween Jesus doesn’t have a beard—anywhere. Instead, you’re wearing a hot little white dress that barely covers your biblical areas, a little scarring around the wrists that double as a cry for help, you’re carrying around a vat of wine and giggle that it’s just water, and as the night goes on you whisper to the cute guy or gal dressed as a parishioner: “Meet me in the bedroom, and you can nail me to something, hard,” or “I like it in the Nazareth,” or “There’s a martyr in my pants and everyone’s invited.”

4. Slutty Republican


This will be the most difficult costume to pull off as slutty, because slutiness goes against everything that the GOP stands for. But if you’re able to, you’ll win every costume contest this Hallows Eve, and probably take home some Democrat guy or gal who’s always wanted to give it good to the 1 percent or tea party you in the mouth. Simply dress in the tightest fitting power skirt you can buy, pull that hair back so that you look as uptight as a Catholic at a clinic. And at your Halloween fete, whenever you seen someone who isn’t rich, or who is dressed like someone who isn’t rich, oppress them until they cry. Or just dress as Ann Coulter.

These are just a few suggestions, but remember: This Halloween, before you get into someone’s box, and or let someone into your box, think outside the box. And don’t forget to floss.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 QWF’s A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).

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