Headshots: Enough with the YOLO, Already

Headshots: Shove These Words Up Your Ass

Words. According to Headshots’ sources, words can never hurt certain intervals, thought sticks and stones may cause physical injury. As we hurtle every closer to the inevitable global apocalypse of language, English finds itself changing almost daily. The advent of the Internets and the text machines has taken the tool with which Shakespeare built this…

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury

Signifying nothing.

…and reduced us to “btch <3 f*k n plz @TEOTD 8====3 omg gr8 thx.”

Understand that we here at Headshots do not take this transformation, this devolution, this blaspheming, lightly. We have two-and-a-half degrees in words, and most of the Headshots interns are English Literature or Creative Writing majors who hope to one day teach English Literature or Creative Writing.

Headshots: Shove These Words Up Your Ass

“Trending” and “fiscal cliff” were among the words that 38th annual List of Words to be Banished from the Queen’s English for Misuse, Overuse, and General Uselessness, compiled by northern Michigan’s Lake Superior State University. Headshots applauds them, and would like to take the opportunity to humbly suggest the asphyxiation of the following words.

1. Guys

Headshots: Shove These Words Up Your Ass

The colloquial “guys” is not the use with which we take umbrage. No, rather our umbrage taking is with “guys” as an address, most often found on the Twitter or the Facebook. As in, “You guys…you have to read this Gawker article” or, “You guys, my parents are being so unfair. They confiscated my MacBook and my car!!! L” or “You guys, should I go down on @somedouche?” The sense of entitlement and false notion of importance suggested by the address to a universe as if the user matters is enough to make us use Latin exclusively from now on. Et Latinis est difficile lingua esse poetica in, praesertim cum semel llama non obturatio comedere Captain Crunch, etiam cum urina et simia balls.

2. Boyfriend/Girlfriend (Including BF/GF)

Headshots: Shove These Words Up Your Ass

Look, people in committed and monogamous three-week old relationships, we get it. You have someone loving up on your business. Fine. Super. Terrific. But, do you need to announce it in any and every sentence you utter? And why this obsession my labeling and owning people? Did Lincoln not emancipate us? Perhaps Headshots is just bitter because our first wife is recently engaged to an award winning poet and fishmonger, and ourt second wife has plans to wed her girlfriend this summer in the Hamptons, but this generation’s need to quantify their every everything leads us to suggest the banning of BFs and GFs and replace them with DICB [pronounced dick-bee for dude(ette) I’m currently banging].

3. ~verse and Nation

Headshots: Shove These Words Up Your Ass

Everything is a verse or a nation nowadays. The Twitterverse. The Facebookverse. The Pinterestverse. The HaveChrisBrownExtraditedverse. And if it isn’t a verse, it’s a nation. Red Sox Nation. Bieber Nation. The United Nations. Combine the verses with the over-attribution of nations, it is enough to make one tempted to burn their dictionary and commit to a life of a recluse. Why the need to suggest that every goddamn thins aspires to be bigger than it is? Amirite Headshots Nation?

4. Yolo

Headshots: Shove These Words Up Your Ass

Truthfully, I have no idea what “Yolo” means. I assume it has something to do with Drake and/or the frozen yogurt comeback craze. I suppose I could google it, but I fear that I would end up throwing my MacBook through a wall in anger. I suppose I could ask an intern to google it, but I fear I would end up throwing an intern through a wall. And that’s exactly what led to our intern budget getting cut the last time. Let’s just agree that something as infantile and regressive culturally needs to be killed the same way we killed Weird Al Yankovic.

5. Soul/Spirit

Headshots: Shove These Words Up Your Ass

So during our Headshots intern hiring interviews, we generally keep an eye out for certain red flags or warnings that the prospective intern may not be Headshots material. For example, if they can’t finish their third drink, or the pornography playing on the big screen in the Headshots office is distracting, or the pornography playing on the big screen in the Headshots office is NOT distracting. But since our inception a decade ago, we have found that the use of the words “soul” or “spirit” are signals that whatever new age patchouli soaked Birkenstock wearing hippiester that somehow wandered into the wrong interview is not right for us. So we give them a dreamcatcher and an Ani diFranco mixed tape, and tell them to f**k off. Seriously, the use of these words is an affront to words. If you use them, it means that you don’t actually know what they mean.

We trust that as Lake Superior State University’s List of Words to be Banished from the Queen’s English for Misuse, Overuse, and General Uselessness Committee considers next year’s list that they will begin with this document. In the meantime, if you use any of the above words in the our presence, we cannot be held responsible for our actions.

Yolo.

Mike Spry is on Twitter — follow him @mdspry

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Headshots: Fake Dead Girlfriends
A Look to 2013: 5 MASSIVE Predictions
Headshots: Strange Bed Etiquette: 5 Rules of Engagement 

 

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