Headshots: Not a True Belieber

Justin Beaver

IS THERE A STRANGER TROPE OF POP CULTURE than that of the teen pop idol? The lineage of pop idolatry moves from Paul Anka to the Beatles to Michael Jackson to New Kids on the Block to N’Sync.

Accompanying teen stardom, besides STIs from teenage girls and paternity tests, is the inevitable backlash, a hatred born of wealth and success that stigmatizes the pop sensations as they become convenient punch lines.

Teen pop deities are a tradition that has its beginnings in biblical times. Jesus was the first pop idol. A radical thinker and performer who loved a crowd and a good walk. But, as with Rudolph Valentino and Fabian, Jesus’ popularity threatened too many, and so he was crucified. Literally. There was a very popular Mel Gibson film all about it.

Which brings us to Justin Bieber.

The hatred and vitriol the general public has for Biebs, outside of his rabid fanbase, is unlike anything we’ve seen since the Romans got jealous of JC. Both Chavez and Christ. I’m not saying that Biebs is heading for a shitty Easter, but you gotta beliebe that this isn’t going to end well for the little singer.

Justin Bieber was recently attacked at a Toronto nightclub and lost a $40K gold chain, which got us to thinking about why the people hate Biebs so much. Here’s our theory:

1. His Music is Intolerable (Probably)


Headshots has never, to our knowledge, heard a Justin Bieber song. We have not seen a Justin Bieber music video (do they still have those?) We could not name an album, recognize a rhythm, nor repeat a refrain. But from what we’ve read, from the information we’ve gathered, the assumptions we’ve made, Bieber’s music is the worst kind. Factory made, generated by producers, the very definition of contrived, and constructed to appeal to the obsessions of 14-year-old girls. Neutral Milk Hotel this is not.

Hell, he even threw up listening to his music.

We couldn’t even listen to a Bieber tune for the writing of this piece. That’s how made it is. It is literally unlistenable.

2. He’s Canadian Suburbanite Spoiled White Kid


The kid is a 19-year-old white male, which automatically makes him a dick who’s easy to hate.

C’mon, there’s nothing much worse in the world than a teenaged boy.

Throw in the fact he’s Canadian suburbanite who didn’t meet a non-white non-Christian until he was 14, who does his best gangsta-cum-hipster imitation while singing about, well, we don’t know since (as noted above) we’ve never heard any Bieber songs, but we assume they’re about getting to second base with the girl in your grade 9 class, the unwelcome surprise of wet dreams, and getting caught by your mom with your pants around your ankles with the latest copy of Good Housekeeping open on the coffee table.

3. His Beliebers


Nothing is more frightening than a legion of motivated and obsessed teenage girls. Bieber’s beliebers are an angry, motivated, evil sub-section of teendom who defend young Bieber’s honor on social media and late night TV.

This gaggle of grade 8 gals (and dudes who are going to be ridiculed in high school) are a microcosm of everything that’s wrong with the millennials: self-righteous, ill-informed, spoiled, coddled, pandered to, and they have the worst taste in music since the asshole who signed Maroon 5 to a record deal.

4. He’s Dumber than a Charcoal Briquette


Okay, normally we wouldn’t pick on a 19-year-old for being stupid, because, well, all 19-year-olds are stupid, but Biebs, with 35 million Twitter followers and a pulpit from which to address the world, has uttered such inanities as: “Singers aren’t supposed to have dairy before a show, but we all know I’m a rule breaker. Pizza is just so good!” and “I’m not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”

And the coup de gras,  this little missive he signed in the Anne Frank guest book: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”


5. He’s a Toronto Maple Leafs Fan


The five worst types of people in the world (once you get past the seventh level of hell type evil) are grad students, people who post pictures of their meals online, experimental poets, people who don’t like Scrabble, and Toronto Maple Leafs fans. Biebs, a big ole Leafs supporter, only compounds his near universal hatred and loathing by cheering for the blue and white. The only respite here, is that fans of other teams are more than happy to have wee Justin cheer for the Leafs, as it saves them the embarrassment of having him as a fan of their teams.

Headshots fully expects to incur the wrath of the beliebers for writing about why he is (understandably) a moderately talented, entertainment machine created insult to people with hearing, and future “whatever happened to?” answer. Please forward your anger to us on Twitter @mdspry.


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