HEADSHOTS JUST GOT ITS 2012 TAX REBATE, which in fact was not a rebate but rather a bill for $5342.85 payable to the US government, which was astonishing as last year our income was only $3246.75, and most of that came from returning empties. In a country where yearly tuition at a reputable university costs the same as a new Mercedes, and funding of social programs is about as popular as amateur colonoscopies, we wondered where all that tax money was going. Congressional investigations into Obama’s birthplace? Alien research in Nevada? Biological weaponry? Kim Kardashian?
As Springfield, USA-based nuclear energy magnate and conservative pundit Montgomery C. Burns once famously said of an America he was tired of supporting with tax dollars, “Let’s blow this fascist popsicle stand! Purchase a small island somewhere, and start our own country.”
So Headshots figured given the financial crisis facing established countries around the world, why not look into purchasing a country of our own? We could get one on the cheap. Plus we’ve always wanted our own private citizenry. It would make dating a lot easier.
Here’s a few countries our sources claim could be had for pennies on the dollar.
Greece, the birthplace of democracy and back door lovin’, is falling into ruin, not to be confused with the ruins it sells as tourist attractions… when it had tourists. It’s a country that would sell on the open market for less than Instagram and isn’t nearly as useless.
Greece has great beachfront property, lots of small picturesque islands to escape to, and no winters. But it seems to us this may not be the ideal choice for the new Republic of Headshotia. The Hellenic alphabet would take forever to replace, the unibrow is all to prevalent, and the hole of debt they’ve dug for themselves is too much to bear. Also, that time they crammed a bunch of ‘emselves in a horse’s ass and then killed that lady Helen, then that dude Achilles tore his ACL. That sucked. Come on Greece. Shoving stuff up something’s ass isn’t always the answer.
Headshots believes it could make Venezuela work, but we would probably need to borrow some cash from our mom since it’s the most expensive of these countries on the brink of bankruptcy. On the plus side, there are great beaches and lush rainforests, plus a hip socialist dictator in place to run the show, a badass collection of indigenous writers and artists, and a decent soccer team. Hell, we’d make an offer today if it wasn’t for the drug trade. But, the one huge obstacle is the border with Colombia and the cocaine cartels. If the white goodness was legal, we’d be all over buying Venezuela. But you can’t spend your whole life making Scarface references.
Ah, Portugal. All by itself out there on the western tip of Europe. Lush vineyards, beautiful beaches, stunning architecture, the world’s nineteenth-highest quality of life, a strong healthcare system, and damn does Headshots love us a good bottle of Port! But here’s our problem: Portuguese. Not the people, the language. It ain’t English, it ain’t French, it’s almost Spanish. How has this muddled nonsense outlived Latin? Other than the Portuguese and Brazilians, no one utters this mishmash. Also, the food is horrible. Horrible. Portuguese restaurants anywhere in the world are amazing. Portuguese restaurants in Portugal only prepare over-salted white fish and olives. Seriously, the Portuguese had to cross an ocean for Churrascaria to find itself some flavor. It’s called seasoning, people. Borrow some from the Spanish. God knows they’ve got some to spare.
This is definitely the fixer-upper of the bunch. You know what’s interesting about Lithuania? Nothing. You know what there is to do in Lithuania? Nothing. You know how much it would cost to buy Lithuania? Nothing, but who wants it? Headshots’ Baltic states correspondent claims that we could purchase the entire former Soviet Republic for the price of an ’86 Lada. And what do you get? A country with eight-month winters, very little beachfront, a populace that makes Canadians look attractive, and a language that is based in Aramaic. Seriously. Oh, and all meals in Lithuania are some amalgamation of miscellaneous pork, sour cream, and something that spent 10 days in a deep fryer. The beer’s okay, and the junior national basketball team is promising, but that’s about it. So… maybe keep the Lada.
Things are so bad in Ireland, the Irish are going to Lithuania to find work. But, after much consternation and deliberation, as well as lengthy meetings with our banker, Headshots believes that Ireland may be the island state to snatch up for the price of a first edition copy of Ulysses. Beside the fact that it’s been raining in Ireland since 1845, there is plenty to admire about the little island to England’s left. And now that the IRA violence has slowed, it’s a much safer place to own. Think about it: Your own Guinness brewery, an endless supply of Jameson, potatoes and lamb on hilltops everywhere.
Sure there’s a noticeable lack of bacon, and their English is a mess that comes out angry, but there’s leprechauns everywhere! Eventually, one of them little bastards will lead you to their pot of gold. And then the island pays for itself.
Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 Quebec Writers’ Federation A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).