Headshots: It’s Evolution, Maybe!

LAST WEEK, a bunch of atheist scientists got all excited about something called the Higgs boson particle, some sort of atom or neutron or whatever that they say explains everything in the universe. Typical left-wing media garbage.

The anti-Christian geeks even nicknamed it the “God particle” in order to trick good God-fearing folk into believing the whole deal isn’t some lefty propaganda designed to get Christians to believe in monkey people, healthcare, and dinosaurs. These same scientists are the ones who will have you believing in climate change, alien universes, and that rain isn’t God’s tears.

These blasphemers were losers in high school, and now they’re just trying to get revenge.

July marks the anniversary of the Scopes Trial of 1925 in Tennessee, in which a young high school science teacher, John Thomas Scopes, was accused of teaching evolution in violation of the Butler Act. Scopes was rightfully found guilty, but instead of being hanged or shot by a firing squad or deported to Canada, the verdict was overturned and Scopes was set free. As a result, today, in many places throughout the United States, evolution is being taught in our schools.

Good Lord, the poor children.

What was the point of bombing the Japanese if we’re going to let our children be taught that we came from apes? What in the name of Chuck Darwin is going on in this country of ours? Headshots has some teachings of its own dispelling the myth of so-called “evolution”, the commies’ way of telling you Jesus didn’t begat everything.

1. The Bible

Look it up, Einstein. God made the world between 10,000 and 2,000 years ago. It took Him six days. On the seventh day, He rested, taking a few minutes late in the afternoon to invent American football, chili, and beer.

As the good book says, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” It doesn’t say, “In the beginning, a triceratops saw a fish come up on the beach and turn into a simian and then a man and then a billion years later Obama was elected,” now does it?

If the good Lord had wanted us to have iPhones back in the day, there would be photos of Jesus riding a dinosaur, but the Lord hadn’t invented Steve Jobs yet, so we have to take His word for it.

2. Kirk Cameron

If evolution was a thing, then why can an everyman like Kirk Cameron fit a banana into his hand so perfectly? If we were all fish-apes, then why was Growing Pains a hit show for six wonderful seasons, until that left-leaning God-hater Leonardo diCaprio showed up? Why did the good Lord find Cameron at the height of his teen fame? In no logical or rationale universe is a developmentally stunted moron like Kirk Cameron even close to a star. But Left Behind is the largest grossing film ever, and how else would you explain the success of a poorly made film with first year film school special effects?

The scientists will use their “facts” to argue that it’s actually Avatar, but that’s just more propaganda for you to believe that in far off worlds blue lizard people have intercourse for reasons other than procreation. Disgusting.

Also, God killed Boner, and if that isn’t the definitive argument against evolution, I don’t know what is.

3. Sex

If man evolved from salmon-orangutans, then how do you explain sexual intercourse as a means of procreation? If people came from monkeys, then why does sperm fertilize eggs? God invented sex as a means of perpetuating His species. Do you think it’s merely a coincidence that the male penis fits into the female vagina? If evolution was real, then why does having a baby just take three thrusts and a cigarette? Babies are born when God wants them to be. That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it has always been. Sex is for procreation, not for fun, or personal enjoyment, or a stress release, or something to do during commercial breaks. If God had meant sex to be about pleasure, then he would have invented the female orgasm.

4. Charles Darwin

Darwin was an atheist, and probably liked boys. He got kicked out of the Anglican church for dating a beagle, and made up evolution in order to get revenge. It’s a fact. Just google “Charles Darwin Beagle” and you get over two million results. Don’t click on any, because the commies have inserted web pages about boats and voyages to cover up the truth. Darwin hated the Lord because he obviously hated himself.

Plus, he was British, and you know what they’re like. Socialists, all of them. Also, Headshots has it on good authority that Darwin was actually a monkey himself, the result of his mother having an affair with a sexually adventurous zookeeper.

5. Monkeys and Fish

If evolution was real, then why are there still monkeys? Huh? Answer me that, science nerds. Monkeys live in jungles or zoos, and throw their own feces. Monkeys don’t wear pants or have jobs at WalMart or watch TMZ.

If we all started out as fish, then why did I have a kick ass grilled salmon at Chili’s last night? If we evolved, why aren’t there monkeys driving cars or gorillas working the toll booth or fish who can talk? Why isn’t the last row of pews at my church reserved for families of God-fearing trout? This is where the atheist scientists argument falls apart, because they don’t have any answers to these types of questions.

Evolution. Sure. Whatever. Next thing you’ll tell me is that the Indians discovered America, or that the sun revolves around the earth, or that Jesus didn’t want us to own guns. God wins, lying lefty scientists and liberal media lose. Now that’s evolution, baby.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 QWF’s A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Headshots: Dumping the Brits Was the Best. Breakup. EVER.
Headshots: Shove Your Beautiful Game Up Your Ass

 

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