SO A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, as some asteroid was passing by earth as a warning that Armageddon was based in truth, and a meteor was attacking Russia, the Pope gave his two weeks notice. Pope Benedict XVI, born Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger, had tired of the funny hats, opulent dresses, and pedophilia, and tendered his resignation, the first Pope to hang ‘em up before his boss hung them up for him. The news sent shockwaves through the Catholic community. Cross bearers the world over immediately wondered where they could find another Nazi pedophile-enabling white racist sexist octogenarian to lead the church. (Uh, I dunno, go to a retirement home in Boston?)
Immediately bookmakers were picking their favorites. William Hill made Turkson — a high-ranking African cardinal — is a 3/1 favorite. Canada’s Marc Ouellet is at 7/2 and Francis Arinze of Nigeria is at 4/1. Bono comes in at a distand 1000/1, but touring commitments likely take the U2 frontman out of the running. Immediately the race to succeed Benny 16 began in earnest, with the candidates spewing typical campaign rhetoric, promising to kill all homosexuals and ban birth control. Basically a mayoral race in Mississippi, but on a larger scale.
Here at Headshots, the interns and I, over cocktails and Old Testament readings, began to devise our own list from some notable Catholics. Lapsed Catholics, all of us, we believe we’ve found the candidates that could bring the church back, with a little less little cock and a little more JC rock.
1. Mel Gibson
Gibson, the star of such films as Lethal Weapon 3, Chicken Run, and The Beaver, is a traditionalist Catholic, a sect of Catholicism that believes current Catholicism is waaaaay too progressive, what with allowing women to speak and not stoning gays. Mad Max directed The Passion of the Christ, which depicted the suffering of Jesus from a largely New Testament point of view; it was a box office success, and still one of Headshots favorite romcoms.
Gibson is a well-documented homophobic, racist, women-hating, anti-Semite, domestic abuser who would take the church where it belongs: To the bowels of hell never to be heard from again. Plus, he needs the work.
2. Jim Caviezel
Caviezel played Jesus in Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, so he has experience in religious governance and wearing dresses. How many bishops, cardinals, and priests can say that they’ve actually spent time as Jesus? None. And he speaks Aramaic, which comes in handy at all the top Catholic mixers. The star of CBS’s Person of Interest has been outspoken on Catholic issues, and has come out against embryonic stem-cell research, presumably because it can save lives and advance the human race.
3. Katie Holmes
We know, we know. The notion of a female Pope (Popess? Pipe? Peep?) seems a little too advanced, too contemporary for the Vatican. But consider that Holmes, having been married to Tom Cruise for six years, knows how to keep homosexuality a secret while in the public spotlight.
Additionally, she actually looks hot totally doable in a dress, and when’s the last time you could say that about a Pope? St. Gelasius I? Sisinnius? Boniface VI? And maybe having a sweet piece of ass leading the church could help swing it away from its pedophiliac tendencies that have marred its existence for 2000 years and ruinded the lives, and faith, of so many innocent children.
4. Peter Dinklage
Peter Dinklage was born with achondroplasia, a common cause of dwarfism, and as such measures only 4’5” in height. We don’t really have any great reason’s why the world’s most famous little Catholic should be Pope, other than it would be fun to have a dwarf Pope. “Ah, lookit the wee lil Pope in his week little pope dress and wee little hat in his week little Pope bubble. Let’s play throw the Pope!” Tell us that doesn’t sound like fun! And when’s the last time the Vatican was fun?
5. Mark Wahlberg
Marky Mark and the Funky Church! Donnie’s little brother would make a great Pope. He’s managed to get past the thuggery of his youthful indiscretions and the embarrassing nature of his early career as an underwear model and white rapper and transition into a successful and respected actor and producer. Tell us the church doesn’t need to make the exact same type of transition. Plus, Wahlberg tried to murder a guy once, and the church loves it some murderers.
And, apropos of nothing, this.
Oh, and most recently marky Mark appeared in front of the entire world talking to a teddy bear who could speak. That kind of commitment to the imaginary is essential if you’re to convince followers of the existence of God.
So, there’s our list. We’d put our money on Gibson, but don’t count out our choice, Katie Holmes. Don’t you want to live in a world where, “I’d tap that Pope ass” is part of the Catholic lexicon?
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