No country, no nation, no community, in the grand and tortured history of the universe, has had a more contentious, incestuous, and bizarre relationship with guns than the America. Americans loves guns.

Loves. Guns.

The problem with our culture of guns is not as much the populace’s undying (except in cases of dying) affection for using the guns to kill people, though that certainly is problematic. Rather, it’s how much of our population believes Red Dawn is not a boss C. Thomas Howell movie, but a training film designed to prepare the people for the inevitable Russian invasion. If Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen didn’t have all those guns, we’d be worshipping Putin and playing hockey on a larger ice surface by now. Amirite?

Geezus.

[Editor’s Note: The Red Dawn remake sucks.]

On February, 25th 1836, 177 years ago this very day, Samuel Colt was granted a United States patent for the Colt revolver, and immediately, 1830s rappers were referencing it in their lyrics. It is the granddaddy of the semi-automatic handguns that find their way to the streets and schools of America. In mourning of that day, Headshots presents five gun laws or legislative acts that made us worse as a people.

1. The 2nd Amendment

Alright, let’s get the big one out of the way. This is the legislation that started it all, the law cited when crazy left-wing anti-death zealots want to pry guns from the NRA’s cold dead hands.  As adopted in 1791 and as ratified by the States and authenticated by Thomas Jefferson, Secretary of State, it reads:

“A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Gun freaks and Fox News anchors often forget about the “well regulated militia”, but the right excels at forgetting important information. Just for some perspective on a law passed 222 years, other landmark events of ’91 included: Mozart’s singspiel “Die Zauberflöte” (Magic Flute) premiered in Vienna. Vermont was admitted as the 14th US state. Dinosaurs still roamed free.

2. Election of Charlton Heston as NRA President in 1998

Though largely a ceremonial position, the problem with Heston’s ascension to the throne of the nation’s largest organization of troglodyte enablers, was not his preposterous “from my cold dead hand” mantra, nor the April 1999 NRA meeting held shortly after the Columbine high school massacre, nor his cameo role in the horrible Planet of the Apes remake, but rather the fact that 84 percent of those who support the 2nd Amendment and the NRA believe that 1956’s The Ten Commandments was a documentary, and that Heston was indeed Moses, and are as such religiously faithful to his word and cause.

[Editor’s Note: Heston was NOT Moses. Not Moses.]

3. Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act

On the surface, one would believe that a bill titles the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act could do no harm, and in fact be a progressive and ambitious piece of legislation meant to protect the people and bring us closer to civil enlightenment. Oh, how wrong one would be. Because the US government is a corrupted and parodic institution, the act was deeply faulted. First and foremost was a “sunset provision” which meant that the act expired in 2004, and now all those assault weapons banned are once again legal. Because we all need your own personal AR-15. Additionally, the act included a provision that eliminated the education of inmates. Because, when you’re trying to rehabilitate you definitely don’t want to educate. That would make sense, and US gun laws fight against sense.

4. Kennesaw, Georgia Mandatory Gun Law

In 1982 the town of Kennesaw, Georgia, passed an ordinance that reads as follows:

(a) In order to provide for the emergency management of the city, and further in order to provide for and protect the safety, security and general welfare of the city and its inhabitants, every head of household residing in the city limits is required to maintain a firearm, together with ammunition therefore.

THEY MADE IT ILLEGAL NOT OT HAVE A GUN IN THE HOUSE! Georgia, which has the 3rd highest poverty rate in the US, and ranks only behind Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama in brother-sister marriages, saw fit that one of its towns had a law making sure each home was sporting a Glock. The town cited studies that showed its burglary rate dropped, though the rate of people shooting other people with guns increased significantly.

5. Concealed Carry

Only five US states have a total ban on carrying a concealed handgun. FIVE. FIVE!?!?! This is messier than an ex-girlfriend on so many levels. One, FIVE! Two, if someone’s carrying a weapon, wouldn’t we rather is wasn’t concealed? Three, FIVE!

As an example of the preposterous nature of these laws, Florida has issued (since 1987) 2,031,106 concealed weapon permits. Two million. This is a state where the citizens can’t figure out to vote, and would elect Tim Tebow as king of the universe if they could figure out said voting, and where at least a quarter of the year is spent getting drunk on the beach. Well, at least on the beach the concealing is more difficult.

So, good citizens of the US, be careful our there on the mean streets of your U S of A. There’s a gun war going on, and the guns are winning. You know, because they’re guns and they can kill and stuff.

BANG BANG

Mike Spry is on Twitter — follow him @mdspry

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