THIS COMING SUNDAY IS MOTHER’S DAY, a time for breakfasts in bed, fresh flowers, and a celebration of mommies. Journals and magazines and fluff TV the world over will be running saccharin features on “How to Make Mom Pancakes”, “42 Nice Things to Do for Your Mother”, and “Celebrity Mothers Throughout History”.
I’m particularly looking forward to the special Access Hollywood feature on the black market underground human trafficking syndicate where megalomaniacal celebs like Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron are able to purchase babies of various races in order to further their careers and get features on, well, Access Hollywood.
Here at Headshots, in the bowels of The Smoking Jacket offices, we tend to eschew the norm. So while other media outlets will celebrate the Hallmark holiday with flowery prose and PR-driven nonsense, we’re going to fete the oft-forgotten moms of Mothers Day: The single mamas. And more specifically, we’re going to talk about not just how to successfully hit on single moms on this sacred day, but why it’s a good idea, so that next year you can help her four-year-old, to whom you have no legal obligation, make messy waffles and fresh squeezed OJ.
1. WHY A SINGLE MOTHER?
At some juncture, most people come to the point in their lives where they must decide whether or not they want children. And for many, the drawback to having kids is the early years. The feces, the screaming, the diapers, the terrible twos, and the absence of intercourse with your partner. Finding a hot young mom with a five-year-old allows you to skip those horrible first years. And, with any luck, that vagina has healed up nicely.
2. WHERE ARE THE SINGLE MOMS?
This is this greatest challenge in procuring a yummy single mommy. There are several prime locations where fine mommies in need of love hang out, but it’s a delicate balance between being proactive and being creepy and prosecutable. And you’ll want to make sure you’re hitting on a single mother, and not some simply single woman. Go down that road, and you may have to father children and clean up feces. Instead, try one of these locales:
- A Local Park or Parkette – Not the kind of park George Michaels trolls, but a nice park, perhaps suburban, with play structures and fresh grass. But be sure to borrow a child to take with you, like a niece or nephew, and preferably one that is aesthetically pleasing and can operate with very little supervision, because going to a kids park alone is so wrong. So very, very wrong. At a park with your fake kid you can scout both the moms and the kids. Many relationships with yummy mommies are ruined by petulant or ugly offspring.
- Suburban Parking Lot Restaurant Bars – Your local Montana’s, Applebee’s, or Chili’s is a goldmine of beautiful moms on breaks from their kiddies. This is where young single mothers go to drink chardonnay and wonder what might have been while underpaid babysitters watch their children and drink chardonnay and wonder what might be. And, like my high school Sex-Ed teacher used to tell us: A girl with a kid and two drinks in her is a better option than whacking off into a facecloth.
- Gym or Yoga Studio – The ultimate time to go is between the hours of 12:30 and 1:30 in the afternoon. Why? Well, single moms with jobs (you don’t want an unemployed mommy) exercise during these hours because it is their work lunch break. The downside is, you have to exercise. Or at least appear to. The upside is a fit, scantily-clad mother, and you can keep your eye out for C-section scars.
3. DEALING WITH THE KIDS
This will be your biggest challenge. Getting the mother to fall for you will be easy. The opportunity for someone to suckle her nipples who doesn’t regularly wet themselves is a boon for you. But the kid will naturally lean towards resentment. The solution is simple. Buy their affection with quiet toys and long animated films, preferably musicals. Kids love presents, and quiet toys and Disney films will distract the child while you and mommy take some time to yourselves upstairs. Or in the laundry room. Or under a Star Wars blanket while the TV distracts.
Look, we’re all for getting out there on the dating scene, and loving up on a yummy mommy with a tyke already popped out. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t share all these time-tested and true methods. But remember: Don’t use our good for your evil. Unless you’re looking for a pre-fab family, then just go online dating or call your desperate ex.
Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 Quebec Writers’ Federation A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).