When Headshots was young, we had a family dog named Kimo. We loved Kimo. We played with him from the moment we came home from school, until the second we fell asleep, with Kimo at the end of our bed. Then one day we came home, and our parents told us Kimo had had cancer and was dead.
Ever since, we’ve found that most pets suck. I mean, aren’t you tired of your cat sitting around all day and doing nothing? Hasn’t going out into -11°F mornings to pick up your Yorkie’s warm feces become too much for you to handle? Are you one of those tools who bought a ferret in 1984, and no longer have full use of your left hand? Well come in from the cold suckers, and get out ahead of the rest of the world on the next wave of pet. Pets surely not to get cancer and die.
But what pet? Recently, and oddly enough mostly in Canada, exotic domesticated pets have been in the news — monkeys and llamas, to be precise. But what animals are we not welcoming into our homes? Headshots suggests a few animals that you can curl up with, then annoy your friends with adorable pictures of in top hats and monocles on Facebook.
I know we have a lot of uses for cattle: Rodeo, NBA team mascots, Adidas, steak, milkshakes. But, I can’t help but notice in my travels that we seem to have an excess of cows — a cow overpopulation, if you will. Have you ever been to India? It’s ridiculous. They’re everywhere. It’s like they’ve never even heard of the Big Mac. And you know who’s to blame for the overcow crisis? Vegans and vegetarians. I say it’s time they put their money where there mouths aren’t. Domesticate the cow. They’re quiet, they don’t move much, and if you come home and they’ve eaten your favourite pair of Manolo Blahnik’s, you can grab some HP sauce and have a nice meal.
What kid isn’t going to want something called a Babydoll? These miniature versions of real sheep are popular in Scotland, where I can only assume they play the role of substitute wife for lonely Scot shepherds. I say load up a boat, and ship these little cuties over to North America, get ‘em mating like its middle school prom in Arkansas, dress them up in little cardigans made from, THEMSELVES, and charge $2,000 each. It’s like a self-sustained pet.
Ever since Jack Black taught pandas martial arts, Asian bears has been back in vogue. But even with the success of the Master Shifu character in Kung Fu Panda, and Kung Fu Panda III: The Reckoning, the domesticated pet market has been unable to take advantage of the interest. Enter the Red Panda. Slightly larger than a cat, and mostly sedentary, this bearish raccoon-like creature will happy-up any family’s life, especially a family that has tired of dogs and cats and fish and ferrets. Hell, Indira Gandhi had a few. Tell me that can’t be used in an ad campaign.
With George Lucas having sold his Star Wars empire to Disney for 8.7 kajillion wupiupi, the “long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” market is about to come back like herpes. But video games, 3D reissues, stuffed animals, Lego, and action figures can never be a substitute for a real living piece of the film franchise. Did the Yoda Bat appear in any of the films? No, but they’re movies. This is real life, and a Yoda-looking flying rat is totally what every kid is going to want for Christmas in 2015, or whenever the next Star Wars movie that sucks comes out. They’re probably dangerous, but then again so are kids, so I say it’ll be an even fight.
First of all, the name is aces. But what are they? Tamarins are like monkey cats and… seriously? I have to keep going? Okay, it’s called an EMPEROR TAMARIN, named for its resemblance to the German Emperor Wilhelm II. And, if that’s not the name of the lead singer of a Brooklyn-based indie band or Gwyneth Paltrow’s next kid, I don’t know what is. And it has a hipster moustache. It’s a hipster pet. The as-to-herefore untapped hipster pet market is now tapped. You’re welcome, Pabst tie-in marketing campaign.
So generous is Headshots feeling as 2013 gets underway, that we’ve providing the rarely added bonus section. You can thank me when your loved one is doing that thing they don’t really like to do except on birthdays, when you present them with their very own Yeti Crab. It’s a furry damn crab. And it’s blind. And it may be poisonous. And it’s a carnivore, so it’s not so good with fat kids. But damn, it’s cool looking and I guarantee you’ll be the envy of your hairless cat hoarding neighbors.
So there. Throw out your litter boxes, and dig some graves in the backyard. The pet world just got silly. You’re welcome.
Related on The Smoking Jacket:
A Look to 2013: 5 MASSIVE Predictions
Headshots: It’s an NFL Fantasy Football World
Headshots: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Headshots: Strange Bed Etiquette: 5 Rules of Engagement
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