NORMALLY, IN THE TSJ MULTIVERSE, we are charged with saving the lives of your dear and loyal readers as part of our Ask TSJ feature. But despite our weekly dedication to making the world a better, safer, more sexually aware and diverse place, there are those who fall through the cracks and are forced to seek help elsewhere. Some go to competing advice columns (Dear Abby’s a bitch, and Dan Savage hates kittens by the way), some to psychotherapy (but in the economy?) and some go to the bar (probably the safest choice, and it worked for our parents). And some look to celebrities.
This week actor Michael Douglas reported that his recent battle with throat cancer was due to cunnilingus. That’s right. Not a half century of smoking, or alcohol abuse, but cunnilingus. Munching rug. Romancing the stone. Getting the golden globe. Falling down. A little ghost and the darkness. Some war of the roses. Go down some streets of San Francisco. Good luck finding someone to go down on you now, Catherine Zeta Jones. Time to invest in a zombie vibrator, I guess.
As a loyal Headshots reader, we know that you’re all about teachable moments. And while Douglas may be crazier than a midget with a can of nitrous, perhaps he is not. Perhaps he is saving a generation from throat cancer, while leaving that generation’s partners frustrated and unfulfilled. So we here at the Headshots offices decided to look into what other celebs can save our lives, or make them indisputably better. The interns, dissatisfied all, compiled a list of celebs that can keep you on this planet just a little longer, and all the while just a little happier.
For your consideration, here are five ailments and worries and the celebs that can cure them.
1. Depression: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise thinks psychiatry is nonsense. A longtime practitioner of Scientology, the former Mr. Katie Holmes says he has never trusted nor advocated the voodoo dark art which is mental therapy. All you need is, claims Cruise, is a better understanding of yourself, a healthy relationship with your spaceship elitist celebrity God, and a net worth of around $250 million. Then you too could have an arranged marriage with a Dawson Creek star a fraction of your age to hide your less traditional sexual tendencies. Obviously Mr. Cruise has never fixed a bad Monday with a handful of Zanax. Maybe he never saw Knight and Day.
2. Fear of Flying: Mark Wahlberg
Marky Mark was supposed to be on one of the outbound Boston flights that was flown into the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001. Instead, Donnie’s brother decided to head to Toronto a week early, marking the only time in recorded human history that going to Toronto over New York was a good decision. Wahlberg must have a leprechaun shoved so far up his Boston Irish ass that his teeth shine gold when he smiles. He avoided the largest air disaster in US history, and in our minds that makes him a God of the airways. Are you afraid of flying? Board a flight with the leader of the Funky Bunch. There’s no way you’re going down. And say “hi” to your mother for me when you call to say you land safely, and Mark Wahlberg is the reason.
3. Poverty: Megan Fox
Speaking of leprechauns, Ms. Transformer believes in them (as well as the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and Brian Austin Green). I say we make Megan put her money where her pretty mouth is. If leprechauns exist, then they should be at the bottom of, or adjacent to, a pot of gold. I don’t know about you, but I could use a pot of gold right about now. I sure as hell know the interns could. So let’s find Fox, throw her on the next flight to Dublin, get us some flashlights and sleeping bags, and track us some gold! She hasn’t been in a movie forever anyway. She’s got time. Time enough to be objectified by Canadian journalists, so time enough to find me some benevolent Irish midgets and debt relief!
4. Vegetarianism: Christina Ricci
Vegetarianism is a disease. I mean, have you ever wrapped something in bacon? Why would you not eat meat. Why would anyone be a vegetarian? Congratulations, you’re now unhealthy and hurting the economy. Super. Pass me the tofurkey loaf. What’s worse, have you ever dated a vegetarian? It’s like having a conscience. It’s horrible. Our solution, is to synthesize whatever is in Christina Ricci and inject it into the soy crops (one of the interns knows a guy at Monsanto) and within months even the most granola munching Birkenstock will be molar deep in a double Big Mac. Ricci, you see, has botanophobia, the fear of plants. And she’s a scary little number to begin with. I can see being vegetarian free by August.
Suck it, Morrissey.
5. Bad Decisions: Nicole Kidman
What’s the biggest issue facing young women today? Alcohol abuse? Misogyny? Teen pregnancy? Starring on a show about teen pregnancy? Nope, it’s butterfly tattoos. According to our interns, one out of every three women between the ages of 16 and 25 in America has a butterfly tattoo, and that number increases exponentially when limited to white blondes in the Midwest. Who, who we ask, will save these young women from the scarring of a bad tramp stamp and the inevitable late 20s expensive laser removal surgery? Nicole Kidman, that’s who. Kidman suffers from a rare form of mottephobia — the fear of moths. We suggest a publicly funded nationwide tour where Kidman somehow transfers her mottephobia to young women from coast to coast, hence saving them from butterfly ink, and themselves. If somehow she could get them to get rid of Juicy sweatpants and stop down on frat dudes, that would be a bonus.
Will it be easy to use these celebs to save yourself? No. But modern medicine is never easy. Treatments are long and expensive, and certainly not guaranteed. Think of that next time you’re going down on your lady.
Better yet, think of Michael Douglas.