WELL, DEAR HEADSHOTERS (that’s what we’re calling you now. Also considered: H-folk, HSers, and llama babies), the holiday season is upon us, and even if you don’t celebrate a supposed immaculate birth two thousand years ago in the Middle East that has caused nothing but headaches and a booming toy industry, the Christmas beast certainly affects your life. Office parties, crowded malls, elf porn. But far and away the most horrible and yet unavoidable aspect of Jesus Day is the endless familial responsibilities. Well, have no fear loyal readers, Headshots has some helpful advice on how to manage the holiday hell: Break up time!
Christmas is hell on relationships. Shopping for a significant other is impossible. It’s inevitably expensive, usually involves blood diamonds or something that needs to be built, and always kills your pocketbook. Christmas dinner with new or prospective in-laws is intolerable. Headshots has a guide to breaking up for the holidays, in order to get back together immediately afterwards in order to save money and sanity!
1. The Timing
If you’re reading this after December 14, it may be too late. The earlier the better. Be careful not to make it too late, or you’ll ruin your partner’s Christmas. And remember: you love this person, probably. At the very least you enjoy having sex with different parts of their body whenever you want, you just don’t want to buy them earrings or meet their overbearing mother. At least 10 days before Christmas Eve allows them to hate you briefly, and yet be so caught up in the holiday blitz that they don’t have time to cry or mope or drink a Texas mickey of Jack Daniels and engage in oral naughtiness in the back seat of a ’93 Honda in the WalMart parking lot with your cousin Paul.
2. The Reason
Definitely don’t say it’s because you want to see other people, or that it you not them. You want to reconcile soon after Santa gets back to the North Pole. Seasonal depression is a good excuse, because it’s common and usually encourages a sympathetic response. Avoid lying, if at all possible. Lying us for when you’re in a relationship, not escaping one briefly so that you save a couple of bucks and can spend Christmas in your boxers eating a Tofurkey casserole and watching the Mark Ruffalo romcom marathon until the tears run dry.
3. The Break Up Bang
This is of utmost importance. You’re going to have to be celibate for a short while here, so best for both of you that put one down the chimney for old times sake. This is facilitated by break up location. Avoid public places, unless you’re into that kind of thing. We recommend breaking up at your partner home. That way you can get a little yuletide log rolling, and escape in time to beat traffic. A crucial aspect of this step: stuff that stocking good. This is not the time for a bad lay. You gotta bring out your A game here, make some sweet Christmas pudding. You want to leave them wanting more, so that when you come back after Christmas, they’re no thinking, “Ya, I guess we could get back together, except he did come in my ear following three awkward minutes of break up sex, so…”
4. The Support System
You can’t leave them all alone and sad. If you’re dating an orphaned freelancer with no close friends, you’re going to have to rough it out and stay together. But, it’s a good idea to call their friends and family to ensure that they’re there for them. This also keeps you in everyone’s good book, and lubes the good times runway for a nice re-entry post-Ho Ho. Best to contact friends of the same sex (don’t get their “best guy friend” to provide support, ‘cause that dude’s gonna shove his specially wrapped gift right up her holly jolly), gay friends, and sisters. Avoid mothers, fathers, and brothers, unless the mother is widowed or the father is remarried to a much younger woman or the brother likes show tunes and has seen you naked.
5. The Getting Back Together and Make-Up Sex for the Ages
So Christmas has passed, and New Year’s is coming up. Time to send out that “how was your Christmas?” text and get you some makeup sex! Best to do this on the 27th, no later. See if you can “drop by”, because your Christmas was awful and you really need to see them. Bring a small gift with you, something that didn’t cost much but has a sentimental attachment. If there’s an old band t-shirt of your that they sleep in, rub a bit of you scent (not that scent, your perfume or cologne or deodorant) on it, and wrap it up nice. You may need to fake some tears, but get ready, ‘cause y’all are gonna knock one out like it’s the cure! And as with step three, this has to be a good run, so prune her poinsettia real good.
Now, there you have it. You’ve saved money, avoided family, and you have your regular sex back. But be careful, you have to do this all over again around Valentine’s Day.
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