From the very moment some prick shared his first draft of the Bible or the Koran or some nonsense Mitt Romney reads in his spaceship, there have been calls for Doomsday. It’s an important part of any religious text, striking fear in the hearts of followers so that they are on their best behavior and give generously to the collection trough. From time to time the media grabs a hold of one of these “predictions” and calls it news. The result: WalMart has a good quarter, and we all go on with our lives.
But what of the End of Days? We all know how to prepare, by going into our bomb shelters and surviving nuclear winter on cans of Chunky soup and Coke Zero. What we don’t know is the details, the specifics, the logistics of angry Gods. Well, look no further.
December 21, 2012, according to the Mayans or some other dead tribe, calls for cataclysmic or transformative events to occur. Headshots, by way of some well-placed sources, considers the the Apocalypse, and how it will affect your life and your iPhone’s 4G service.
1. Who Will Jesus Come and Get?
Jesus will ride his dinosaur unicorn from space to save the chosen ones. It’s a small list: Christians (no priests), Jews (except Adam Sandler and Bernie Madoff), Muslims, pretty much all religions including agnostics and atheists, except fundamentalist zealots, women (all of them, except Ann Coulter), virgins, and children (except precocious kids and child actors). People who wear Birkenstocks in winter and/or post photos of their cats on Facebook will be left on earth to fight the fire demons. Don’t see yourself on this list? That’s okay, Jesus will be excepting debit and credit card “donations” for his foundation.
2. What Else Will Survive?
Well, as lore suggests cockroaches and Twinkies should survive, though with the recent closing of Twinkie factories, it may just be the ‘roaches. The southern states will be washed away in a sea of hellfire, except Mississippi, which has a special hell reserved for it. Trees will survive, but not evergreens nor poplars. Our sources claim that it will be more of a clean sweep of humanity than an destruction of the planet. Let’s call it a reboot. All domesticated animals will be spared, though they’ll be given the power of speech and opposable digits, so Mike Vick should watch out. Zoos will become governmental centers, and in all likelihood llamas will reign supreme.
3. Should I Stop Paying my Bills?
Oh, gawd yes. You should have stopped paying all of your bills months ago. The first to be swallowed up by the wrath will be bill collectors and banking institutions, and frankly: good riddance. Student loan collectors will taken to a special hell that looks like Mississippi, smells like Mississippi, burns like Mississippi, but brother, it ain’t Mississippi! The only bill your should continue to pay, according to our well-placed Doomsday sources, is your cell phone bill. Apparently smartphones will continue to work, and the Internet will remain fully functional. There is an app you’ll need to download in advance, however.
4. Can I Start Cheating On My Partner?
Given our natural disposition to infidelity, this is a commonly asked question. As soon as the world’s end is predicted, people want permission to go and get them some strange. Here’s the problem: Since you have infidelity in your heart, you’re going to hell. But, on the positive side, it gives you permission to have a quick round of “hide the bald elf” with Emily from apartment 4B and an afternoon of “just the tip” with Doug, your brother-in-law’s dentist. Best to use a service like Ashley Madison or J-Date as opposed to hitting the bar or Craiglist, as it’ll both expedite the process and ensure safety. Beware: STDs survive, even in hell. And the burning only intensifies.
5. The Afterlife
Our sources tell Headshots that the afterlife is a lot like Canada, but without winter or Mike Myers. Everyone who survives the Apocalypse will be given forty acres and a mule (for serious this time) and enough Cheetos and diet ginger ale to last the first year. As the Internet will still be working, there will be lots of porn to watch, but only on your smartphone, so for old people and the visually impaired, we suggest getting an eye exam, and quick!
Do we trust our Apocalypse source? Well, as much as you can trust some guy named Paul who often sits next to us at the local drinking Chardonnay mixed with tequila, or a tribe that got wiped off the planet by the Spanish. I mean, the Spanish? What, did they attack them with under-seasoned food and bad poetry?
Either way, we do expect to see you all in the New Year. Like, 99.9 percent sure. But, just in case, we love llamas and bow to their supreme power.
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