Where in the name of the unmentioned fourth Kardashian sister, Chantrelle, did 2012 go? I mean, c’mon. Seems like only yesterday Headshots and our original twelve interns were waking up in a grain alcohol-fueled haze in suburban Cincinnati after a New Year’s Eve that began in a field in Idaho with fourteen interns. Damn. Well, here we are, still standing, fifty-two weeks and seventy-eight-and-a-half interns later.
Now that 2012 is behind us, what of 2013? Those of us who are triskaidekaphobics are gonna have a hell of a time writing “13” everywhere for 365 days. At Headshots we’re considering post-dating all of our checks for 2014, so as not to tempt the gods and finally organize our complicated taxes.
Ever since Headshots predicted Neil Diamond’s unexpected return to the spectrum of cool in the mid-90s, we’ve found ourselves to be somewhat of a soothsayer, a clairvoyant, a Nostradamus for a new generation, if you will. Besides Neil’s rise, we’ve also predicted the winner of Super Bowl XXVI, all the Oscar winners for Best Picture since 1988, save for once (seriously, Forrest Gump?), Brad Pitt’s facial hair patterns, and the death of the contemporary soap opera. Now, with a look ahead to 2013, here are five MASSIVE predictions for the year to come…
1. More NFL Players Will Die
The NFL has a huge and tragic problem on their hands: Their players have a nasty tendency to kill each other and themselves. It’s reprehensible, it’s sad, and it’s avoidable. In the past few months players been involved in fatal shootings and drunk driving accidents. The issue of gun culture is a bigger problem than the NFL, though they could certainly make guns less attractive to those who look up to them by not shooting each other. Or dogs. But in the case of DUIs, the NFL Players’ Association even has its own 1-800 number where its membership can call from anywhere in the world at any time and they will send a car. If Headshots had a free ride home when drunk, we’d be getting sideways on hee haw jouice in Guam just for the gratis lift.
2. Barack Obama Will Lose His Shit… In a Good Way
So far, the US’s first Hawaiian President has kept his cool in office. Even when besmirched and insulted by colleagues and the media. But, now that he has been elected to a second term, Obama is most certainly going to lose it on some poor soul in ’13. I’m not sure if it’ll be during an interview, a press conference, or cabinet meeting, but someone’s getting punched the f**k out. It could be John Boehner, could be Sean Hannitty, or Israel, but the angry black man that the country has been fearing is about to make a cameo appearance in a historical presidency.
3. An NBA, NFL, NHL, or MLB Player Will Come out of the Closet
Holy Lord Stanley’s protective cup, it’s 2012, I mean 2013, how is it possible we’ve had a gay President (I’m looking at you, W), a gay Prince (those pics looked a little too contrived, Harry), a gay Tom Cruise (Jack Reacher? Really!?!), and yet no pro sports team athlete has come out of the closet? The You Can Play Project has made huge strides, leading this clairvoyant to lean towards an NHL player (all that time off with the lockout, mostly Europeans and Canadians, and French Canadians to boot) to be the first. But, rest assured, it’s gonna happen in 2013. And that dude is gonna get rich, girlfriend.
4. Climate Change Will Kick Something’s Ass
We’ve already seen Hurricane Sandy (Sandy? For serious? Can we try a little harder on the ‘Cane names, please? We’re about one hard blowing wind away from Hurricane Cindy Lou) hit the Eastern Seaboard like no other storm in recorded history, following in the path of Katrina, tsunamis, and polar ice caps melting like Headshots’ heart during a romcom. But you read it hear first, with our doctorate in weatherology from the University of Phoenix, we’re predicting a mother of a weather event in 2013 that will literally blow you away. Perhaps the GOP will stop denying the existence of Climate Change once Mississippi becomes a state-sized hot tub for the south.
5. There Will Be Peace in The Middle East
Woah, slow down. I’m not saying Syria and Israel are going to go to Pakistan and Egypt’s cousin’s wedding together, and Palestine is going to host the jack and Jill party up at its summer place. They’ve been fighting over there longer than history can record. That takes time to heal. I would wager to say that if indeed the region was the cradle of life, then two amoebas crawled out of the eastern Mediterranean and immediately started fighting over a dirt field that we wouldn’t use to tailgate before a Cleveland Browns game. But behind the hardliner rhetoric and threat of nuclear holocaust, Headshots sees some lovin’ a comin’. Who knows why. Maybe it’s the Kelly Clarkson fan in us.
So there you have it, Headshoters. Thanks for dropping by to check on me and the interns all 2012. We look forward to hosting you again next year. And remember, if you drink this New Year’s Eve, call the NFLPA for a ride.
Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Headshots: It’s an NFL Fantasy Football World
Headshots: Petraeus, Betray Us! A Guide to Getting Caught
Headshots: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Headshots: Strange Bed Etiquette: 5 Rules of Engagement