Headshots: 5 Impossible NFL Predictions

 

NFL training camps are open, and what can we expect from this season? Perhaps the strangest off-season in history saw the New Orleans Saints punished for Bountygate, Peyton Manning move to the Denver Broncos after more flirting than my ex-girlfriend at a poetry reading after three gin and tonics, and Mike Vick didn’t (to our knowledge) kill even one dog! Combine that with the fact that Tim Tebow is on special teams in New York with the Jets, the Cleveland Browns still suck, and Jonathan Vilma won’t feed Commissioner Roger Goodell, I’d say if the preseason is any measure, we’re gonna have us a NFL year to remember.

The NFL dominates the American sporting landscape like no other sport. It is the Apple of pro leagues. Before the season opener September 5th between the Dallas Cowboys and the New York football Giants, a Wednesday night affair that will be preceded by five national anthems, six color guards, and a musical rendition of the killing of Osama bin Laden featuring the music of Creed, every publication from USA Today to Entertainment Weekly will prognosticate, predict, and pund-ate about the coming season. Headshots is not about to insult your intelligence with winners and losers, champions and chumps, MVPs and STDs. You’re better than that.

Headshots instead makes five bold predictions for the upcoming season that are surely NOT to happen, but would be totally awesome if they did.

1. Antonio Cromartie and Janoris Jenkins Will NOT Impregnate Anything

Between them, the Jets (Cromartie) and Rams (Jenkins) cornerbacks have, at last count, 17 (mostly illegitimate) children. Cromartie himself has fathered twelve children with eight women living in six states. That makes drunken frosh week promiscuity look like a week in Bible school celibacy training. I couldn’t father that many children if I literally lived in a vagina. Polygamist Mormons read this and think, “damn that’s a lotta family.” Also, why are these women having unprotected sex with cornerbacks. Why don’t you just love up on the long snapper? Or a hockey player? Where are these women’s mothers?

2. Midseason Switch to Canadian Football League Rules

The CFL is adorable. Begun in the ’20s because playing hockey 12 months-a-year was damn near impossible, the CFL boasts 8 teams who all make the playoffs, with players who get paid by the hour, and after the game the two teams shower together while drinking strong beer and eating ketchup-flavored potato chips. And that’s not nearly as weird as their rules, which include the “rouge” in which a team gets a point for kicking the ball pretty much anywhere, only 3 downs, and a minimum number of Canadians required on the field at all times. In the CFL, the players have sex with their wives. The fact that Canada has remained uninvaded since 1812 is beyond ridiculous.

3. Gay Quarterback Wins Super Bowl

Pro sports is the last bastion of hate and intolerance in the United States, with the exception of film, television, politics, the visual arts, academia, and Old Navy staff. Sometime in the near future (hopefully) a brave pro athlete will come out of the closet, and become known as the Jackie Robinson of his or her sport. The fact it has yet to happen is at once frustrating, compelling, sad, frightening, and financially irresponsible. (Got you with that last one, eh?) The first pro team athlete to wrap themselves in the rainbow flag and declare their love for jazz tap will have a world of endorsements, books, TV, and film deals presented to them in moments.

Hell, if I was a fringe NFL player, I’d come out even if I wasn’t gay. Look what it did for Ellen.

4. No Drugs Consumed, Imbibed, or Injected

Drug use in the NFL is like head from my ex-girlfriend: Everybody gets some!

The players look like caricatures of eras of yesteryear. Steroid and HGH dealers are essentially on staff, and in NFL training rooms there’s foreign substances going into asses than at John Travolta’s annual UN-themed Labor Day masquerade party.

There’s so much marijuana usage that I’m amazed these players even remember to show up on Sundays, let alone play the game instead of eating a bag of Doritos and giggling. The NFL has a “drug program” but that’s just to make sure that nobody gets bad dope.

Oh, and once they suspended Ricky Williams for using pot and he spent a year in exile cleaning up in… Canada, where pot is essentially legal. Nice.

5. Tebow Starts Fucking

Tim Tebow is the newest hero of fundamentalist right-wing Christian America. His throwing style is atrocious. He can’t figure out his playbook. His teammates and coaches tend to hate him. And, despite limited skills and possible slight mental retardation, he led the Denver Broncos to an unlikely playoff win last year. Oh, and even though he has free and willing access to more pussy than Justin Beiber visiting a Catholic girls school, Tebow is a virgin.

So in the off-season, the Broncos signed future Hall of Famer Peyton Manning, and traded Tebow to the New York Jets. New York. Home to some of the most beautiful and intelligent women in the world. Women who want to fuck Tebow. And Tebow, because of his Christian beliefs, won’t get in red zone. Won’t score the two point convert. Get under center. Dominate the split defense. See the blitz coming, call an audible, look off the cornerback, and put his penis in a vagina.

None of these things are going to happen this year. None. In fact, if you want some predictions you won’t get elsewhere, how about: Cromartie and Jenkins father kids with the same woman, the Green Bay Packers invade Canada, the Cowboys backfield ODs, and Tim Tebow comes out.

Oh, and Saints over the Bills, 35-10, in the Super Bowl.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 QWF’s A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).

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