Human beings are odd about animals. Some we buy beds for, give special names, and spend thousands of dollars in vet fees in order to prolong their lives. Some, we cherish as false idols, romanticizing their mythologies and basking in the glow of their contrived narratives. Others we slather in BBQ sauce and burn for twenty minutes then devour as if it was lifeblood, which is kinda is. Was. Whatever.

But not horses. Neigh. Nay.

Horse meat is making the news, and the meatballs at Ikea, and, well, everything at Taco Bell. Truthfully, though, if you’re eating at Taco Bell, you have bigger problems—likely gastro-intestinal. Horse meat is legal in many places, but largely considered morally wrong. Throw a midget on a ‘roided philly and run ‘em around a track while rich folks wear pretty hats and drink champagne, that’s fun. But encrust them with pink peppercorns and serve them with a dark cherry and bourbon reduction and rice pilaf, and PETA’s shutting down your bistro faster than you can make glue from Mr. Ed.

But what’s so wrong about eating a nice Secretariat sirloin? We have a global hunger crisis, and we’re attaching a no eating rule to My Little Pony? I say nay, again. Naaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy. And let’s not stop there. Let’s show the animal kingdom who wears the elastic waist pants. We’re taking the animals down to Slaughtertown this week as Headshots suggest 5 more animals that would probably be tasty (rest easy, Fido, no one wants your meatless puppy ribs).  

1. Elephants

Look, there’s a food chain for a reason, and until another mammal finds a way to get high speed porn on a smartphone or create a viral meme, we humans are still kings of the animal kingdom. And despite our monarchy, people on this fine planet of ours starve each and everyday, especially in Africa, the forgotten continent.

I’ve been to Africa. There’s a lot of elephants.

They’re quick, which would suggest a low fat content, and one African dumbo could feed an Ethiopian village for a month. So why don’t we have elephant farms? Are elephants better than cows? Than chickens? Than wild boar? Who decided elephants would be spared our menus? I say throw up some fences in the Rift Valley, get some organic grain-fed elephants on a slaughter line, and make us some dumbo-laya! Feed the children! And see what you can get for those ivory tusks while you’re at it.

2. Cats

Cats have become a problem. Not roaming free and terrorizing children or anything, but rather their intrusive and prominent place in social media. Not a half-minute goes by that some proud cat owner posts a picture of little Žižek doing the cutest thing: napping, napping in the sunlight, napping with another cat. More often than not, the photo is of the kitty doing human things. “Look, my kitty stands on its hind likes like a person!” Ya, you know who else can do that? Me, but I’m not posting pictures of it.

According to Headshots’ intern research, cat-related posts cost each workplace $6.3 billion a year. Solution? Kitty burritos!

3. Bats

Nobody like bats, just ask Bruce Wayne. They’re angry flying rats that appear in our worst nightmares. But my culinary background suggests they just might be a nice meaty snack. They look like they’d be nutritious, and nobody would miss them. Think about it. You could cut a couple of succulent breasts out of them, and add some bat wings to your roadhouse menu. I see an Applebee’s special in the future!

And if I understand my Christopher Nolan films correctly, all you need to hunt the winged beasts is a properly placed net at the end of a cave, and some yellin’. I say yum!

4. Canadian Geese

Canada has given the world many horrible things: Winter, ice hockey, universal healthcare; but perhaps none is as reprehensible as the Canadian goose. These horrible birds shit everywhere, are fearless, attack people, and every winter take over the south like octogenarian New York Jews. Oh sure, they look pretty in flight, but as soon as they land they’re covering your favorite park-ette in feces and bird urine, and trying to bite your kids’ eyes out.

Rumor has it, like all other Canadian cuisine, tastes like hockey pucks and ketchup, but I say shoot ‘em down, throw ‘em on a spit, and wrap it in bacon. Everything is better wrapped in bacon.

5. Pigeons

Okay, admittedly we’re reaching here. But, damn if there aren’t a whole lotta pigeons everywhere. A lot of pigeons. Too many pigeons. And for a world short on food, who are we to turn down a new culinary delight. Sure the pigeons that dine on discarded french fries and pilfered ketchup packs in the alley behind McDonald’s are disgusting, but if we were to capture some of them wily flyers, and breed them with sort of vegan nut diet or whatever the granolas want the food to eat these days, within a few months, I think we’d have the new chicken. The other other other other white meat. Again, seriously, just wrap it in bacon or stuff it with goat’s cheese and the gastropub in the gentrified village you can no longer afford to live in will charge $45 for it.

So, as Ikea and Taco Bell wage a PR war in defense of their errors, I say embrace this as an agent of change. If it can’t fit into a bikini or drive a Cadillac, I say it’s food. Chow down, Headshotters. Chow. Down.

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