This week in The Smoking Jacket’s Peabody Award winning advice column, ”Ask TSJ,” a reader in need asked myself and co-psychiatrist to the world, TSJ editor Melissa Bull, about lovin’ up on his lady while listen to Enya. The obviously deeply troubled young man was issued the following advice:
The only songs anyone should ever make sweet sweet lovin’ to is AC/DC’s “Shoot to Thrill,” Hole’s “Miss World” (if it’s her birthday), and occasionally the theme song to LA Law by Mike Post.
Well, we were overwhelmed by the reader response, and tens of thousands of you asked if the LA Law theme song was absolutely the only TV show theme song to open your girl’s credits to, to intro your bf to, to run the titles down your partner on. Well, after much deliberation, Headshots has decided to address the issue and release our official list of the ten TV theme songs to get it on to.
It’s a challenging and diverse list, and doesn’t necessarily champion one show or indict others. As my granddad used to say, “You can’t fuck to The Muppets, it doesn’t matter how much gin you’ve had or if she’s wearing cowboy boots and a smile.”
1. LA Law
The original, the one that started this whole conversation. Composer Mike Post is the Bob Dylan of TV theme songs. The long running courtroom drama begins with a saxophone solo that is basically an aural panty remover, and a sweet lovin’ rhythm is maintained through out the song, with the sax coming back in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. Whew. Who needs a smoke?
2. Magnum P.I.
Thomas Magnum is the sexiest character in the history of television. Without Tom Selleck’s Hawaii-based private eye, there is no Movember, no mustache rides, no Mrs. Headshots one and four. A chunky guitar riff with tropical undertones culminate in a quick and somewhat unexpected climax. If that ain’t lovin’, I don’t wanna know what it is.
3. WKRP in Cincinnati (Closing Theme)
While the opening theme is certainly the more famous, it’s the gibberish-filled closing theme to WKRP that we have found gets the love juices flowing. It’s about forty seconds, it’s all over the place, and it end with a pussy’s meow. It’s damn near perfect.
4. Dukes of Hazzard
The Dukes’ theme is for laid back lovin’. Country lovin’. It’s about pouring yourself a bourbon and watching your lady friend peel slowly out of her Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots. The pace picks up a bit, gently, almost unnoticeably. There’s danger in the air. You’re a bad boy and she’s a bad girl. Yee haw.
5. The A Team
A military drum beat and voiceover explaining the plight of dishonorably discharged soldiers turned mercenaries-for-hire suggest both efficient and heroic lovin’. The arrangement alternates between classically influenced strings and rock n’ roll laced heavy guitars. This is a great theme song to love up on with a new partner, as it recognizes tradition while suggesting adventure.
6. Night Court
Who’s up for a funky, jazzy bass line, followed by a sultry sax riff? Can you say panty remover? This ’80s sitcom’s theme song will play the cotton whites off of the most reserved lover. But there’s a single percussion beat—a xylophone?—that keeps you guessing. This is a great lovin’ tune for a second date with a someone who is nervous or unsure of you, as it seems sexy and safe, but hints at danger. Also, for those who know the show, Richard Moll is basically a giant penis.
For the sad fucker. Literally. “Suicide Is Painless” is the kind of song you want to want playing in the background as you have sex with your girlfriend for the last time. And you know it’s the last time, because that far off look in her eyes, the way her hair smells faintly of her “best guy friend” Vonn, the lazy manner with which her mouth receives your phallus, the way she tears up ever so slightly as she orgasms and then whispers in your ear: “I never loved you.”
8. How to Make it in America
Who wants some upbeat, minge of the street, tap your feet to the beat, and take your lady in the seat lovin’?!?! Ya, man. Let’s get it on. Aloe Blacc’s funkified tune is the theme song for an HBO show that I’ve never watched more than three minutes past the opening credits. I believe it’s about a gay couple in search of capri pants, but I can’t be positive. Either way, this song is for lovin’ up on a girl whose orgasm your genuinely care about. It has rhythm, soul, and beat that encourages a consistent lovemaking that facilitates delaying gratification until everybody is good to go. Hey, hey!
9. Friday Night Lights
You ever loved someone with a little country in them? Do you get hard at the slightest hint of a southern drawl? Does a simple small town life, a cotton sundress, and Friday night football get you wetter than an freshman poet with daddy issues? Well, this theme song is your theme song. Cue it up, and get ready to love slow.
These days, you gotta have something for the hipsters to love it up to. Sure, it’s exhausting to get a them out of their skinny jeans and chucks, but once you do they’re givers. Intriguingly the hipster malaise does not translate to indifferent or wooden lovin’. “Feel it All Around” by Washed Out is the TV anthem of a hipster generation, and just the opening tones and suggestion of Fred Armisen gets hipster boys and girls more excited than a Neutral Milk Hotel reunion. Also, the whole tune is, like, thirty-eight seconds and then it’s not cool anymore, so you can get back to drinking Pabst and talking about what sucks.
Well, I hope that satisfies your need for which TV theme songs are best for playing while getting’ loved up on. Important to remember: Just because a theme song only lasts a minute, doesn’t mean you have to.
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