Money Hot and Climate Strange: Right-Wing Lies

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, during the Republican National Convention, various media outlets started to tally up Senator Paul Ryan’s lies. It started simple, with mis-truths about his upbringing and a falsified marathon time, and then became more serious, as the candidate for Vice-President claimed that Jesus rode a dinosaur to the work at the Home Depot in Nazareth and gay people have mad wicked cooties. The final numbers were 3456845.75 lies in under and hour. Impressive. Like, Headshots’ ex-wife impressive.

But, we should not be surprised. Republicans love to lie. Democrats love to lie too, but they’re just not very good at it. One of Republicans most consistent and offensive lies is their claim that climate change is a lie fabricated by the left-wing media. Because, after all, the left benefits so much from a falsified greenhouse effect and broken levees.

The lie is so sad and offensive, that the entire Republican party and its supporters now believe it.

Super. As we write this, there’s a polar bear shaving off her body hair in the fountain outside our offices, it’s 122° at 6 am in September in New York, and every kid in America is forced to swim in their T-shirts, not just the fat kids. I call bullshit, GOP.

As the US election nears, and the topic of climate change has resurfaced in the public discourse, Headshots decided to look at 5 actual lies that the right-wing media forces upon the good people of America.

1. Buying a House is a Wise Investment

Banks, Republicans, unmarried 20-something women at clubs, and my parents love this one. They claim that buying a house is a good investment, a way to secure your future, and that renting is a mug’s game. You what’s a mug’s game? Paying for your $500K one bedroom condo four times over, over 30 years just so that you can leave it (paid off, mind you) to your ungrateful children. When you’re dead. WHEN YOU ARE DEAD. You know what Headshots is leaving to its loved ones? Nothing. I’m spending it on my way out, or taking it with me.

2. Kardashians and Hiltons are Hot

Fake porn sites, real porn sites, celebrities in bikinis sites, and Maxim magazine love to fill their pages, both web and real, with photos of Kardashians and Hiltons and whatever other spoiled, privileged, contrived mannequin Us Weekly has taken a liking to. They date other celebrities and Reggie Bush, they are bequeathed reality television shows, the make sex tapes, and teens the country over emulate their fashion and mannerisms.

But you know what? These media-fabricated modern day Zsa Zsa Gabors are repulsive, both aesthetically and on the inside, where my mom tells me it counts. Let’s call what they’ve got going on “Money Hot.” I don’t know why the right is doing it, but it’s pushing some agenda. Maybe to make us all dumber.

I will admit those Jenner kids are hot, but because of the right’s lies, I’m addicted to celeb teen porn, so…

3. The NFL is Entertaining

America loves it some NFL. Thirty-four million of us play fantasy football, Sundays are no longer for Jesus, there are 38 hours every Sunday morning of pregame shows, and the Super Bowl is America’s mid-winter orgasm of commerce and pageantry.

But do you want to know the truth? The NFL is boring. It’s a bunch of ‘roided up college dropouts grabbing each other, then punting. The actual amount of exciting or notable plays is miniscule, but we don’t care because coast-to-coast Americans lock themselves into their Barcaloungers, slop down synthetic cheese, and masturbate to 20 year old black men getting sweaty. The right perpetuates this lie so that we are docile on the Lord’s day, when they plan their Monday attacks. For serious.

4. The Existence of Monogamy

Headshots ex-wives were the pioneers of this myth, or at least of destroying it. You know who’s faithful to their partners in 2012? Nobody. People love to fuck. And they love to fuck strange. That’s a fact. It’s in the Bible. In Ecclesiastes, somewhere near the end.

A recent Headshots survey concluded that 98 percent of everyone cheats on everyone else. Two percent of everyone didn’t answer because they were out cheating. As Headshots is writing this sentence, two of our married interns (to other people, and one is gay, so, well, there’s that) Kylie and Devon, are going at it like wet cats in a dryer. If you’re looking for monogamy, you came to the wrong country.

5.  Socialism is Evil

You know what we hate here at Headshots? We hate free healthcare, reasonably priced education, a culture of tolerance and equality, and the notion that we should take care of one another, for the betterment of all. Oh, no, wait. We LOVE those things. And why wouldn’t you? You know what the right finds wrong in socialism? They’re too rich to understand its virtues.

You know why Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan hate socialized healthcare? Because they grew up so rich they had a hospital in their mansions. Don’t believe their hype, there’s nothing wrong with free medicine and benefits for all races and sexualities. There’s just nothing the right fears more than educated gay Latino small business owners who don’t have to pay for their artificially conceived mixed race child’s doctor’s visits.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 QWF’s A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Headshots: 5 Impossible NFL Predictions 
Headshots: 5 Things to Do on Mars

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