The problem with alcohol education programs in elementary schools isn’t that they don’t promote enough awareness of the dangers of getting shitfaced. It’s that they only raise awareness of the severest things that could happen, like a DUI, or a cooked liver, or a DUI with a dead supermodel involved.
Which, y’know, is good and all, but they’re all about the doom-and-gloom stuff and never mention all the other initiatives of getting plastered—the side-effects that are more of the pain-in-the-ass variety. The ones most of us don’t learn about until it’s too late. In a perfect world (meaning TSJ is running shit), here’s what a truly comprehensive alcohol education program would sound like to schoolchildren if they listed off all the dangers of drinking, instead of just the worst.
Students, we’ll start with some good news for you—alcohol helps you get laid. Maybe you’re not quite at the stage where that’s the most important thing in life, but you will be shortly. And afterwards you’ll never go back. It’s really a love-hate relationship that develops…with yourself.
Wanting to have sex before you’re introduced to alcohol, however, is a dicey proposition. Lots of double-talking and innuendo and mind-games have to go on before the deal is sealed. Some of you will be good at this. Most of you won’t.
Alcohol changes the long, arduous, confusing courtship process by reducing sound decision making, lowering psychological inhibitions, and disregarding safety recognition by tenfold. So basically, it makes it a whole sight easier while also making the consequences a whole sight shittier. Scholars call this effect “beer goggles.” After you’ve had a lot to drink, a metaphorical pair of invisible goggles gets placed on your face that turns every living thing with two legs into a messy sex challenge.
Students, drinking makes people emotional, and recklessly emotional at that. You already know that, though. What you don’t know and will find out is that making an ass of yourself isn’t limited to the people within your earshot. Sometimes it’s easy to get bored with whatever is going on around you when drinking. Maybe you’re at a party and you’re the only one left out at beer pong, or went somewhere to drink with a friend who’s busy hooking up and now you’re all alone.
Either way, the loneliness will kill you, because you’re all liquored up and full of love to give to somebody, anybody. This is one of the few situations where the advent of the mobile phone becomes a huge red flag. Also one of the few situations where the angel on your left shoulder and the devil on your right work together to make you do something, whispering in your ear to prod you into calling somebody very important to say what you’ve always wanted to say.
So if there’s an ex-girlfriend, or current girlfriend, or current crush, or really anybody with whom you have unresolved emotional issues with, you will end up finding their number no matter how hammered you are, call them up, and say ridiculously stupid things that you’ll ridiculously stupid regret.
Students, all the propaganda and rhetoric we can throw at you about how smoking is cancerous, and unhealthy, and unattractive, and expensive, and Satan probably does it, and you’re a bad person if you smoke, and fuck you for smoking, and 9 out of 10 jailed rapists in a recent study reported getting their rape superpowers from smoking won’t really help you when you’re drunk and inexplicably crave a cigarette. Because binging will make you crave a cigarette at least once, in between all the messy sex challenges popping up like whack-a-mole.
It’s kind of a mix of good old fashioned peer pressure and science that explains this one. Peer pressure because damned if that cowboy smoking in all those Marlboro ads doesn’t make you look like a total fruit in comparison. Science because continuous alcohol consumption leads to a sedative effect on the body that replaces the original feeling of euphoria, making you tired. Tobacco being the natural stimulant that it is becomes a pretty tempting quick fix to offset your lethargy.
We’ll concede that this one might not happen to all of you, and for the ones that do, it doesn’t mean you’ll get addicted to nicotine. Oh wait…never mind, we’re a government-sponsored program. Officially, yes you fucking will get addicted to nicotine, you little bastards.
Students, you need to know that drinking makes you hungry. You see, alcohol has a lot of carbohydrates in it, and when you ingest a lot in a short time, your blood sugar spikes. Your body reacts to this spike by releasing a massive amount of insulin, which will in turn make your blood-sugar low and initiate your hunger receptacles to make you want to eat to get it back to normal.
Which would be fine and dandy if it just ended there, but as all that sweet liquid is trickling down your esophagus and making you hungry, it’s also reducing the muscle movements your intestines need to properly digest food. Slowing that process down leads to whatever you do eat remaining in your stomach for longer periods of time, resulting in lethal bouts of farting you’ll have to do your damndest to cover up if you at all want to get laid.
But you’re not out of the woods, yet. Your intestines still have to move that food through your system, which the day after a night of heavy drinking will in all likelihood come to fruition in the form of an equally lethal case of diarrhea, or “beer shits.”
What’s worse, there’s about a 90% chance that the food you will want so desperately and get will be either Taco Bell, McDonalds, or IHOP. So basically a bunch of greasy, fatty, spicy, saturated grub that would chap your asshole even if you weren’t drinking is now being brewed with a de facto laxative. Some misinformed fools will try and tell you that this can be staved off by puking your guts out, but there is no escape, kids.
Students, some of you may be going through…changes at this point in your life. It’s normal, harmless stuff, just exploding hormones causing boners to jut out every which way through your pants. It might seem awkward and scary now, but in about ten years you’ll start wishing you still had these raging hormones capable of overcoming any chemical alteration.
This is because eventually you’ll run into a devil of a problem known to grown-ups as “whiskey dick.” Remember how we told you babies come from the bottom of beer mugs? Because alcohol sexifies all things? Yeah, now that you’ve heard the good, time to hear the bad. All that booze you consumed to make you a boning maestro with no standards and therefore irresistible to anybody else as drunk as you are will end up screwing you over (pun!) when the moment of truth arrives.
You’ve already been taught that alcohol causes impairment of the brain and all its control centers. What you need to remember now is that the physical impairment happens everywhere. It’s something that never crosses your mind until it’s too late…and you notice that something should be happening…but for some reason…it isn’t. That’s the alcohol doing the same thing to your dick as it is your hand-eye coordination/diction/hygiene—making it not work. You mess with God’s work, you pay the terrible price. Simple as that.
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