Bargument: Hanna vs. Hanna-Barbera

Take a look around you, spring is definitely in the air… and with it come flowers, green grass, warm climes and sundresses. Spring also brings us taxes, tornadoes and a slew of films Hollywood deemed not good enough for the coveted summer release. Amongst the rom-coms, second-rate horror flicks and frat boy fare, there is usually a true jewel, and this year that film is Hanna.

Hanna is kind of an unsuspecting name for a film and an unusual spelling on top of that. In fact, the only other major media release to use the word “Hanna” spelled the same way is the cartoon fun factory known as Hanna-Barbera. Alas, Highlander, there can be only one…

Can the seemingly unstoppable would-be young assassin take down the amassed super-sleuth talent of the likes of Scooby-Doo, Johnny Quest, Harvey Birdman and Space Ghost? A round of Roy Rogers and Shirley Temples, barkeep, as we begin a battle royale with the best in the biz!

Occupation

• Unknowing, yet unrelenting assassin
• Super-sleuth or superhero

Hanna. While it would be great to have super powers or super deducing abilities, this, for the most part, is pure fantasy. At a bar, no girl is going to go for the “by night, I’m a superhero” routine after you buy her a drink. In fact, there are very few jobs with the word “super” in the title. Supermodel? Perhaps. Male supermodel? Uh, no. Superintendent? Not very impressive. However, a genetically engineered assassin with extensive military training who’s also a master linguist? Score!

Need a for-instance? Birdman was in no way as popular as when he donned a suit and became Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, and Space Ghost was sorta just okay until he got a talk show. Now, grasshopper, er… praying mantis, go learn some nasty phrases in the five most popular languages, and one obscure one in case it backfires.

Memorable Quotes

• “I found breakfast!” “Kids! They grow up.” “I just missed your heart.”
• “Zoinks!” “Jinkies!” “Yabba-Dabba-Doo!” “Yapple Dapple!” “Heavens to Mergatroid.” “Smarter than your average bear.”

Hanna-Barbera. We’ll grant serious merit for at least two funny moments in Hanna, which in no way presents itself as a comedy. Meanwhile, the old HB has soundbite after glorious soundbite, giving 6-year-olds everywhere the opportunity to wise-ass their parents.

Sexuality

• Too young to tell
• Two words: Velma & Daphne

Hanna-Barbera. Yep, though there’s a funny make-out scene in Hanna, it’s not enough to count in this instance. Whereas Hanna-Barbera, with their leggy, midriff-bearing super-heroines, put a tingle in our pants before we even knew to like girls in that way. Case in point: Scooby-Doo. You start off in love with Daphne for obvious reasons, but as you mature, Velma starts looking really intriguing and you wonder what she’s hiding under that orange sweater… Reese’s Cups? If so, we wanna put our chocolate in her peanut butter!

Mortal Combat

• Jason Bourne’s unstoppable Aryan kid sister
• Hong Kong Fooey and a host of Hanna-Barb’s best

Hanna-Barbera. Sure, Hanna’s an unstoppable killing machine. We get it. She runs and runs tirelessly and kills at will. She’s also a kid who has never seen a TV. Can you imagine if she parked her ass in front of Cartoon Network? She’d pork out in no time and only kill people who try to take the remote.

Well, spike our punch! Hanna actually got one point in this shindig. While truly a great movie, it will take much more to knock down over 50 years of quality animated entertainment. We’ll allow for a rematch after the next two sequels. In the meantime, may we suggest some Parkour training and Michael Bay explosions for the further adventures of the tow-headed young lass. Class dismissed.