Five Useful Things Men Can Learn from Gossip Girl

gossip-girl

Do you watch Gossip Girl? Are you a guy? If the answer to that first question is yes, the answer to that second question damn sure better be no. There’s no valid reason for a guy to watch a show like that.

That said, the show’s lack of appeal to the men of the world doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t hold some valuable lessons for men within its girlie confines. So we decided to check it out, so you don’t have to.

Here are five useful things men can learn from Gossip Girl

1. You Should Be Rich and Powerful

richYou knew this one already but people like to kid themselves. According to Gossip Girl, if you’re not rich, powerful and beautiful you may as well be dead. It’s human nature for people to tell themselves that everything is okay. You may be a high school teacher living in Buttfuck, Tennessee, but you are a worth human being, just like everyone else.

Well Gossip Girl wants you to know that this isn’t so. In no way is it “okay“ to be an average person. Living in Brooklyn on this show makes you literally laughable. The character of Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) is especially cruel. She’s almost exactly like a real-life Paris Hilton caught on video mocking people a with public school education.

Don’t read any further if you don’t fit the criteria of rich and powerful because the lesson here is to kill yourself immediately. Don’t let your penis fool you any longer because you are not a man. Gossip Girl sayeth so.

2. Mind Your Manner

Manner_LogoNot manners in the polite sense of the word but the literal one: Manner – A way of acting; bearing or behavior. Unless you have NO insight into male/female dynamics you’ve noticed how seemingly less-than-impressive men end up with hot girls.

Chuck Bass: The actor who plays him, Ed Westwick, has been argued to be fugly, short and otherwise gross. But the character he plays out-sexes Gossip Girl’s undeniably attractive Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford). Bass has got bad-boy attitude coupled with a devotion to his beloved. He’s the male version of a Madonna/Whore. But outside of his relationship with his girl he’s dangerous, dark, smart, shrewd and brooding. He’s also totally rapey but that was only in the pilot, so Gossip Girl let that one go.

3. Women Are No Saints

Evil WomanGuys like to think of girls as delicate, angelic creatures. We’re not. Not even your mom. We would Lord of the Flies your ass in a second if stranded on a desert island, especially if we’re hungry, and we’re always freaking hungry. We may be physically weaker than you are, but we’re more socially perceptive — that’s a quantifiable, scientific fact — and Gossip Girl likes to rub your more prominently-jawlined faces in it.

The women of Gossip Girl are scheming, blackmailing, calculating, manipulative masterminds. The show’s title refers to the anonymous female blogger with God-like power who narrates the show and somehow knows everyone’s secrets. It’s a woman’s world on Gossip Girl and the pretty boys just live in it.

4. The Rich Get Richer

donald-trumpGossip Girl is mad old-school in its social class snobbery. The nouveau riche will never have it as easy as “old money” and this seems true to life. The rich, dumb character Nate is picked by an Ivy League rep over the smart, talented Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley) because Nate is what the Ivies call a “legacy student.”

George W. Bush went to Yale and if you think he was admitted on merit I would like to show you my unicorn who shits magic beans.

5. The Clothes Really Do Make the Man

clothesGossip Girl has gotten as much attention for its content as for its fashions. It’s one thing for the girls on the show, being the wealthy, WASPy whackjobs that they are, to sit on their prep school steps and shame a girl with “last season’s Tory Burch flats” but a whole other thing for young billionaire Chuck Bass to wear what he does (and while still in high school).  But that did not stop real-world fashionistas from showering the show with praise for making him look like he rides the short bus. See here, here and here.

I’m sorry I made you see that, but learn from him. Everybody loves shiny things. You can dress up like any kind of asshole if you make sure to act like you belong in those Crocs then… I’m sorry; that’s terrible advice. Never ever wear Crocs, you will look like a jackass. Women like assholes not jackasses. Big difference.

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