March Badness: Six Things Guaranteed to Make Good Girls Go Bad

In my last 5 years on Playboy Radio (SiriusXM 99), I estimate that I have chatted with over 50,000 women: Playmates, Cybergirls, college girls, hot housewives, Real Housewives, Desperate Housewives, foreign cuties, fetish models, burlesque dancers, pole dancers, actresses, singers, swingers, reality stars, aspiring models, lesbians and even a 7-foot Amazonian woman named Eve.

No matter how different all of these ladies were, they seemed to have some very striking, and naughty similarities. It turns out that every girl has at least a little bad inside of her.

If you’re looking to bring that little bit of bad out of any woman, the following things should help.

Photo Booths

Apparently the only thing that some girls need to go bad is a camera inserted into a phone booth with a washcloth-sized curtain to create the illusion of privacy. Even the prudest of the prude become the nudest of the nude when sequestered inside of one of these big boxes. From flashing, to kissing, to a documented sex session, something about these booths bring out the usually camera shy bad girl.

As a bonus, you even get a nice strip of photos to commemorate the nice strip inside. If only voting booths were this much fun, I might actually register.

BADNESS SCALE: 3 out of 5

Beads

It’s amazing how sometimes 10 cents worth of plastic can do what $100,000 sports cars and fancy dinners can’t. If this week has taught us anything, it’s that plastic beads are as persuasively powerful now as ever before. There must be something embedded deep in every woman’s brain that associates receiving jewelry with providing nudity, but plastic beads are as much “jewelry” as this article is fine literature.

However, for some wonderful reason, beads continue to bring out the bad, and isn’t that a good thing? Sure… until you find a picture of your girlfriend doing something for beads that she only does for you on your birthday.

BADNESS SCALE: 4 out of 5

Vacation

From spring break to bachelorette parties to business trips, sometimes all a girl needs to change her morals is a change of scenery. Certain destinations bring out the bad girl better than others: Vegas, anywhere in Mexico, Charlie Sheen’s house.

As it turns out, sometimes the most mild woman at home can become the most wild woman on the road. I attribute this to a combination of jet-lag, tropical drinks, and/or the fact that they don’t have to clean their own hotel room. Whatever the reason, “Carol from accounting” never accounts for what she does in Lake Havasu every year.

BADNESS SCALE: 2 out of 5

Jell-O

Whether it’s in a shot glass or a giant kiddie pool, Jell-O is Troubl-E. Bill Cosby was really onto something. What was designed as a snack for people who were too lazy to chew, is now the unofficial, official snack of making good girls go bad. If a nun walked by a pool of Jell-O, she would be out of her habit in less time than it took me to come up with this mildly amusing, and highly unlikely scenario. As the old saying goes, “you can lead a girl to Jell-O, but you can’t make her keep her clothes one once she gets there.”

BADNESS SCALE: 4 out of 5

Costumes

Halloween, theme parties, Purim (for our Jewish readers); it seems like there are lots of good reasons to play dress up these days. Is there ever really a bad reason? It’s much easier for an inner bad girl to come out when the outer good girl is dressed like a milk maid, or a french maid, or a mermaid. It’s almost like women can convince themselves that they are someone else… and that someone else is almost always way more fun.

BADNESS SCALE: 5 out of 5

Booze

Sure, it’s the most obvious, but booze is the sweet nectar that bad girls feed upon. For some it’s a few glasses of champagne that triggers her sudden urge to have sex in an elevator. For others, like the girl pictured above, all it takes is a case of beer before she’ll have sex with the picnic table. From Absinthe to Zima, and every drop in between, alcohol is responsible for more bad girls than Miley Cyrus, her bong and the Oxygen channel combined.

BADNESS SCALE: 7 out of 5

Now that you know how to turn that shy girl scout into a naughty girl in a very short girl scout uniform, don’t be afraid to help unleash her inner Lohan. You owe it to yourself, you owe it to Bill Cosby, and, most importantly, you owe it to that trapped bad girl just waiting to come out and party…if only for one night in a photo booth.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.