Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.
Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s question comes from a reader named Jim…
My girlfriend just showed me her Halloween costume and it’s basically lingerie. She’s going to two separate parties in it and one is without me. Am I crazy for being pissed?
Tracy Pendergast: Listen Joe, if she were shopping for dinner at your parent’s house, I’d say she made a huge misstep- but she’s not. This is Halloween!
As adults we don’t have many days a year where we can just dress however the hell we want. Sometimes I wake up and don’t feel like wearing pants, but if I left the house without them I would face horrible consequences (not from my superiors at The Smoking Jacket, but elsewhere).
Halloween is that one day a year where normal chicks can dress however they want. Don’t you dare spoil this for her, Joe! One day you will have a bachelor party that is the equivalent of 20 slutty Halloweens and the woman you’re with will turn a blind eye. This is all part of the trade off.
Embrace your girlfriend’s sexy outfit! Be thankful she’s confident! And find comfort in knowing she will be surrounded by hundreds of other skanky Raggedy Anns and sexy bumblebees. Your girlfriend is not the exception.
Happy Halloween you f*cking stick in the mud.
Adam Tod Brown: Yes, you should be angry. And anyone who knows anything about what it takes to make a relationship survive for the long haul knows that there is only one reasonable way to resolve anger issues within a relationship. You’re going to have to take revenge. Ask anyone from Dr. Oz to Dr. Ruth and they’ll absolutely tell you that, when you’ve been wronged by your lover, the only way to become whole again is through sweet, sweet vengeance. Seriously, look it up.
So how do you reset the balance of power when you’ve been offended by your girlfriend’s choice to dress like a movie slut for Halloween as opposed to the garden variety slut she dresses like the other 364 days of the year? Easy, dress like a slut yourself.
For far too long, women have laid sole claim to the right to dress like a filthy, nasty casual sex factory on Halloween. But why should it be that way? Instead of challenging your girlfriend’s God-given right to go to a Halloween party dressed like a hooker without you, just score an invite to a Halloween party of your own and show up to that bitch looking loose. Maybe just wear a sock over your dong like the Red Hot Chili Peppers back before they became women themselves. What’s stopping you from wearing fishnets and a corset or putting on an impractically short French maid costume? Nothing, that’s what. It’s 2011. If women can fight in the military and vote and drive and do all of those other things that nobody is 100% sure they should actually be doing, then goddammit you can dress like a slutty Pikachu for Halloween, Joe.
Go forth and seize your slutty destiny and Happy Halloween to you.