Don’t let a lack of spendable cash keep you from living the high life. In this weekly column, standup comic Danny Lobell explains how to live a Playboy lifestyle on a welfare budget. This…is Budget Ballin’.
Today’s Lesson: How to get into any restaurant bathroom without spending a dime on food.
On the surface, it may not seem like getting into a restroom really qualifies as living the baller lifestyle I’m hoping to help you achieve with this column. But anyone who’s ever been hit with an overwhelming need to piss during a stroll down a busy sidewalk would surely attest that finding a bathroom in that situation is worth more than anything in the world.
The problem, especially in larger cities, is that most establishments reserve their facilities for paying customers. So what to do when you really need to unload but every restaurant in sight has a huge “BATHROOM FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY” sign taunting you from the window?
Any of these 10 techniques should help. Commit them to memory, this is advice you could literally need at any moment.
1. Claim to have eaten there earlier and possibly misplaced your pen in the bathroom.
This is a real James Bond move. The ability to pull this off successfully can not only get you entry into the world’s finest and classiest bathrooms, but as the skill is honed, it can also grant you access into corporate events. There, you will enjoy some of their free company lunches at Hiltons and other various hotels. Plus, you’ll get to hear some great motivational speeches from the senior officers in the company. It’s good to know that productivity is high and losses are down. If it’s a pen company, even better.
2 . Say you are with the city and you need to do a quick bathroom inspection because they will be working on the pipes for the street later that week.
For this one, you have to keep this phrase in mind: You gotta spend money to make money. You’ll need to buy a plumber’s outfit and wear it every day under your clothes. You never know when you will need that bathroom. But this is the bright side: You’ll get to live out that childhood fantasy of being Superman! Find a phone booth and transform into the man who can get into the bathroom of his dreams. But hurry! Because phone booths are becoming more and more rare with the popularity of cell phones.
Added bonus! Some of these phone booths have phone numbers for local escort services stuck on them. You never know what gems you’ll find there.
3. Just run for it
Well this one is pretty self explanatory. You just look the guy in the eyes, then make a run for the bathroom. Most people don’t want to chase you out of their establishment. Remember to lock the door once you’ve secured entry. There’s nothing like a good chase scene, folks, and if you haven’t done it once, you may as well give it a shot.
4. Come in speaking a fake language and when they tell you “no,” play stupid and mumble something.
When doing this one, I prefer to use an Arabic sounding accent. It kind of makes them mess with you a little less for fear that they might piss you off. Use the terrorist card to your advantage. This one does not work, of course, in hookah bars and some Bodegas. Also, if you go into an Israeli owned restaurant, you might find yourself in more of a conflict than you bargained for. Be careful where you use this tool.
5. Threaten to pee on the floor in front of all their customers.
For this one, you really have to be ready to go all the way. Nobody likes an empty threat. You might need to actually pee on a few restaurant floors to prove a point and suffer the consequences, but you will build a reputation in your town. People will know you as that guy. Before you know it, as you walk by, shopowners will come outside in fear of what you might do and offer you their bathroom before you even ask. I call this the Billy the Kid method, to establish that you’re the Sheriff in the town. The rest will just fall into place.
6. Act insane so they are scared to say no.
Example: Start telling yourself out loud that the bathroom is for customers only repeatedly then argue with yourself out loud.
For this one the crazier you go the more effective it is, it helps to have your shirt buttoned wrong and half tucked/half untucked, you hair a disheveled mess and some apple sauce in your pocket that you can reach in and grab in the midst of it all. Have fun with it.
7. Say you are with a group already there, start walking towards them, wave to them and then beeline straight for the bathroom.
Sometimes I like to scope the room and find a group to point to and then acctually go sit with them for a second. Naturally they will look at you confused for a minute and then ask if you’re lost or something. Now here is the fun part. Just look at them without blinking and say I’m gonna use the bathroom now in a Forest Gump type voice. From there, it’s all yours.
8. Play blind.
If you have a dog with you of any kind claim it’s your seeing eye dog and really insist on it. Don’t break no matter what and they will have to let you in. If you have a chihuahua in your handbag and they ask how it can be your seeing eye dog if you carry it around and its not leading you at all refer to #6 and tell them the dog talks to you. Son of Sam always gets bathroom entry trust me.
*Added bonus: you can walk right into the waiter when he’s carrying a tray of food if they were cunty to you at the door. Use that tactic at your own discretion.
9. Play deaf.
There is a difference between sounding deaf and sounding retarded and it’s important to study that difference well before attempting this one. Either impression will get you in but knowing what role you are playing is important. If they know sign languge and try to sign to you that you can’t enter, tell them you have vertigo and can’t focus on their hands. Or refer to #3.
10. My favorite…ask for a table for one, get seated, look at the menu for 30 seconds, put it down, go to the bathroom and then leave.
Simple. Beautiful. Effective.