Football and Thanksgiving: They go together like coeds and cranberry sauce, like threesomes and gravy, like apple pie and Jason Biggs. You can have one without the other, but would you want to? Why is it that football so perfectly compliments feasted on a large amount of food with a large number of families members? Let’s have a gander shall we:
1. IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT
The last thing any of us really want to do with our four-day weekend is hang out talking to our families, extended families no less. Do you care what little Jimmy did his social studies project on, or who cousin Claire is dating now, or where Uncle Frank has gotten fired from this year? No you don’t, not really. And you sure don’t want to have to tell everyone what your up to these days.
The Solution: Plop down on the couch and stare straight ahead. While watching the game the only thing you have to say is “nice play” or “terrible call” or “fire the coach” and you’re good. If you want you can say nothing at all, just grunt and give high five’s and raise your hands whenever there’s a touchdown. The only thing your relations will be saying about you afterwards is that you sure love football.
And that ain’t not bad.
2. IT’S EASY TO FALL ASLEEP IN FRONT OF
Everybody knows turkey makes you sleepy (it’s the tryptophan) but add a couple brews while watching the game and a glass or two of red wine over dinner and there’s a nap in your immediate future. So find a nice cosy spot on the couch, curl up and let the steady, soothing voice of a commentator melding with the atmospheric crowd noise lull you into dreamland.
Given it’s the Lions and Cowboys who always host Thanksgiving games you know you’re not missing a quality game if you do let those heavy eyelids drop and nod off. You might miss a referee blowing the call on the coin toss, but that’s what replays are for.
3. IT’S TRADITION
We love tradition because it takes all the thinking out of things. And Thanksgiving is all about tradition. It’s a tradition based on tradition with its own traditions. Like playing football. We’ve been playing football on Thanksgiving since the nineteenth century (that’s three centuries!). The game was practically invented to give folks something to do with their day off, even if most of them were only spectators (another tradition we still observe). The two entities have become intertwined you’d be forgiven for thinking the Pilgrims played the Indians in the first Turkey Bowl.
Little known fact: The Pilgrims won that one on a controversial two-point convert on the final play without having first explained the rules or what a two-point convert was, giving them the narrow 36-35 victory.
4. SO YOU CAN AVOID WATCHING SHITTY THANKSGIVING MOVIES
Imagine what would be shown if there wasn’t football? Think of Christmas when you can’t convince anyone it’s worthwhile to watch some meaningless bowl game or the Lakers and you’re forced to sit through another god-awful Christmas movies. Well there is a bunch of God-awful thanksgiving movies out there that football is saving us from. Now I know Trains, Planes and Automobiles is about Thanksgiving and awesome, but that’s the end of the list (think of it as the exception that proves this rule). I mean how many times do you want to watch Dutch or Pieces of April or Son-in-Law?
Most of us are still trying to forget we ever did.
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