In a move that we’re sure just about everybody saw coming at some point, Intel recently named Black Eyed Peas front man Will.I.Am as their “director of creative innovation.” Seems like a winning idea to us. We can’t think of a better fit for the “director of creative innovation” job than a man who’s built a successful music career on a foundation of “borrowing” songs from other artists.
Sorry, that probably sounds way more cynical than we intended it to be. Truth be told, we really are excited about this. Even more so after getting an exclusive first look at some of the innovations coming down the pike from Intel and Will.I.Am.
Here are five upcoming innovations from Intel and Will.I.Am…
Music on Tape
We’ve all been there before. You’re heading out for a long trip, most likely on a train because Will.I.Am has yet to bring us the technology that will allow humans to travel by air, and all you want is some way to bring along a few good tunes to listen to. But that floor model stereo and a stack of 78 RPM records can be a real hassle to haul along. What to do?
Relax, Intel.I.Am has you covered. Music on tape, or the “cassette” as they are calling it, allows you to transfer those vinyl albums to a smaller, more portable medium. Just like that, you’ll have access to literally hundreds of songs wherever you go. Did you ever think you’d see the day when that was possible?
The Will.I.Am.Man Portable Music Player
But Will.I.Am, we don’t yet have the space aged technology required to play this portable music miracle! That’s probably what you’re saying right now, and you’re absolutely correct. We have nothing of the sort. But we Will. Ha! See what we did there? We capitalized “will” because it’s his first name and shit. Classic!
Anyway, if you think Intel would just release a new music medium without the means to actually play it, you have no idea how creativity and innovation works. That’s probably why you work at a call center while Will.I.Am is busy getting paid to crank out the new technology. New technology like the Will.I.Am. Man, for example.
This revolutionary gadget lets you take those portable music “cassettes” and play them on the go. Compact enough to fit in an extremely large pocket and jam packed with features like “auto backwards” which eliminates the need to flip your cassettes over, the Will.I.Am.Man will have you rocking for hours on end.
Awesomely, Intel promises to introduce a new product capable of powering the Will.I.Am.Man without the need for messy cords and power outlets. Something called “batteries.” Unfortunately, those won’t be available until at least the fourth quarter of 2012.
Of course, being that this is a partnership with Intel, you can’t expect all of the upcoming innovations to be music related. Take the “flexi-disc” for example. With this groundbreaking piece of technology, long gone are the days when you had to trust that your important computer files were safe and accessible while stored on “the cloud.” No thanks, we’re far more comfortable when we can hold stuff in our hands. The “flexi-disc” makes that possible.
Instead of saving your important documents and files to some unknown server in some far off land, now you can save them directly to a compact, portable disc. It just doesn’t get much more secure than this.
Handheld Fire Machine
For centuries, man has longed for a way to harness the awe inspiring power of fire. But up to this point, all attempts have been a miserable failure at best, an explosion filled tragedy at worst. But no age old problem is too big for the mind of Will.I.Am.
Introducing the Handheld Fire Machine, a revolutionary gadget that takes the once uncontrollable fury of the flame and puts it right where it belongs, in the hands of men. No more will you worry about finding two sticks to rub together when you want to build a fire. Using an absurdly simple wheel and flint set up, you can now have a fire going in a matter of seconds.
Intel has further promised that, within months, this astounding technology will be further adapted to include a line of products that make cooking food indoors a likely scenario. Hello, future!
Quality Super Bowl Halftime Entertainment
Of all the proposed innovations from the minds of Intel and Will.I.Am, this is probably the one that excites us the most. Super Bowl halftime shows have been lacking in quality for years now. Ever since Janet Jackson destroyed America by flashing a pasty-covered nipple for .05 seconds on live television (something Will.I.Am also invented, we think), we’ve been subjected to a series of B-list musicians claiming to have the talent needed to carry us through the long period of inactivity between the first and second half of the game. Prince? Bruce Springsteen? Paul McCartney? Who in the fuck are these people?
Thankfully, that all changes this year. Will.I.Am, Fergie and those two other guys, collectively known as The Black Eyed Peas, will converge on the Super Bowl halftime show stage to deliver the classics.
Kiss our ass, Tom Petty, until you’ve written something as timeless and enduring as “My Humps” you have no place on the Super Bowl stage.