What’s that? You think we’ve used the picture at the top of this article before? Why yes, we did, in our recent Stuff You Should Know: Zombies article. Thanks for pointing out our crippling lack of adequately sized zombie header images. While you’re busy nitpicking internet articles, somewhere, a full on zombie apocalypse is just waiting to erupt and catch you and your internet whining completely off guard. When that happens, the world will be suddenly divided into two camps: victims and people who saw it coming and prepared accordingly.

What side do you want to be on? If you’re like us, you’re well on your way to having everything you need to fight off the undead hordes of brain eaters when they come for you. If not, you should probably pick up the following items. When the zombie shit goes down, you’ll be glad you did.

20 Key Residential Bump Key Set

If we learned anything from watching Zombieland, it’s that Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera are completely interchangeable and possibly even the exact same person. But we also learned that one of the few silver linings in the cloud that is an entire population decimated by a zombie apocalypse is that you can literally take whatever you want from anywhere you want. Everyone’s dead, who’s going to complain? But this is all for naught if you can’t get inside the building that holds your desired item. You can try breaking windows or knocking down doors, but that takes a lot of effort and will undoubtedly draw the attention of those who seek to devour you.

Instead, invest in a good set of bump keys. What’s a bump key? Only the easiest way to pick a lock ever. With a tap of a hammer and a well timed turn of the bump key, you can open pretty much any residential door lock. Check out the video if that sounds too good to be true. Some doofus of a news reporter picks a damn lock in about twelve seconds using one of these things.

The marketing for bump keys is geared towards people in the home foreclosure business, but come on, we know better. This shit is for breaking and entering. It’s an unsavory industry for sure, but when you effortlessly bypass the steel door standing between you and kitchen full of canned goods, you’ll be glad we once lived in a simpler time when all you had to worry about was a meth tweaker breaking in and stealing your Blu-Ray player for drug money.

We’ll refrain from giving you a direct link to purchase a good set of bump keys. We pushed the boundaries of ethical internet reporting once already today. But if your Googling skills are so lacking that you can’t find a set, well, you deserve to be attacked by a damn zombie.

Bushmaster Sniper Rifle

Even a person with little to no actual zombie combat experience knows that, when surrounded by a pack of zombies, the quickest route to safety is a series of perfectly executed head shots. In a pinch, any gun will do. But why half-ass it? Instead, spend a little extra coin and pick up a Bushmaster RIA-223 sniper rifle. Do you really want to leave a situation this dire in the hands of that piece of shit hunting rifle you bought at Wal-Mart? Of course not. So do yourself a favor and pick up a real zombie slaughtering weapon. Inexplicably, you can apparently buy the shit right here on the internet. That’s…comforting?

1982 Daimler Benz “Unimog”

It should go without saying that you’re going to want a rugged vehicle to tool around the country in while searching for that lone slice of utopia that’s yet to be ravaged by no-good zombie jerks. You could always invest in a Range Rover or a Hummer…if you’re a pussy. Instead, get your hands on some top notch military surplus. Take this 1982 Daimler Benz Unimog tractor, for example. We have no idea what all those extra appendages are for and it tops out at a snail-like 40 mph on the open road, but shit, man, look at that thing! If you’re rolling up in that, it’s a safe bet that you’ve come to kill some shit. And at a mere $20,000 it’s a bargain at twice the price, especially if you have to flee the mall you’ve been camped out in for a more remote setting.

Silva Field 7 Compass

It’s all but guaranteed that at some point during your zombie surviving adventures you’ll be forced to flee a certain and awfully unpleasant demise by hightailing it into the woods. Good call, your survival instincts have saved the day once again. Now, how the hell do you find your way out? Expecting your GPS enabled smart phone to survive the end of days in any sort of working condition is a dummy move. Best to keep it retro and pick up a top notch compass to keep your journey on the right path.

According to people who actually know about tree hugging shit like this, the Field 7 is the way to go. Where do you buy it? At the compass store. Duh!

You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News

What’s this? A book from the various minds at Cracked.com all about surviving a zombie apocalypse? No, not really. The title of the book is just a reference to one of the earth-shatteringly hilarious articles inside. But hell, you’re going to need to entertain yourself somehow. It’s not like there’s going to be shit on TV for the foreseeable future, right? You might as well get your read on. This incredible book scores extra comfort points by being jam packed with awful but true information that will at least momentarily take your mind off the fact that you’re surrounded by goddamn zombies.

But it gets better. TSJ’s ruggedly handsome and ungodly talented managing editor (and author of this very article), Adam Tod Brown, helped write that shit! But wait, there’s more! So much more, you guys!

Through an unholy alliance with the editors at Cracked, we’ve got our hands on five copies of You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News. And we’re giving them away to you, our loyal and, dare we say, remarkably intelligent readers. And winning a copy for yourself is easy as hell. Here’s all you have to do:

1. Head to the comments section below and tell us one item you wouldn’t dare be caught without in the event of a zombie apocalypse. It can be something from this list or anything else that comes to mind.
2. And that’s it! The five best commenters get a copy of You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News mailed right to your damn door. You don’t even have to move. Just wait patiently for your comedy to arrive.
3. For the love of God, include a valid email address with your comment. Otherwise we won’t be able to contact you and you’ll be left wondering what could have been had you just followed the damn simple rules.
4. Sorry, U.S. contestants only. Cracked hates foreigners. Just joking! But seriously, U.S. contestants only.
5. Contest closes Friday, December 31st, 2010.

To get a sneak peek at the good shit you should expect to find in You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News, check out this link. If that doesn’t make you want to read this book, well, we hope the zombies get you.