Let’s face it… the Pro Bowl stinks worse than an overflowing toilet bowl…on an airplane…leaving Mexico…on Cinco de Mayo. What used to be our last fix of football to get us through seven agonizing months of lesser sports like baseball, hockey and women’s anything, is now a pointless “game” sandwiched between Championship weekend and the greatest game/guacamole eating day of the year. Non-football fans and football fans alike can agree on very few things: The Browns need new uniforms, Brett Farve has a micro-penis and THE PRO BOWL SUCKS!
Here are five better bowls you should be enjoying this weekend instead.
1. A Big Bowl of Cereal
Cereal is one of the greatest foods ever made. No Exceptions! Like bacon, it may have been designed for breakfast but it is good any time of the day, or night, or both. Whether you are into little cookies, big marshmallows or something that will help you poop more regular, a bowl of cereal has three things that the Pro Bowl doesn’t: lots of flavor, big crunch and it’s something that I’d actually get out of bed for. Plus, the games on the back of the box are probably far more exciting than whatever game will unfold in Hawaii.
2. A Packed Bowl
Whether your “doctor” prescribed you medical marijuana like mine did, or you get yours prescribed by the shady Jamaican guy at the corner, having a packed bowl is pretty much the only way I could make it through the Pro Bowl…assuming I was too stoned to get off the couch, and my remote control was broken. Even if you are not an avid weed smoker, having a packed bowl on the ready is always a good idea, unless you are being frisked at a customs checkpoint. Smoking a bowl can make food taste better, sex feel better, and despite the side effects of short term memory loss, it can make food taste better and sex feel better.
3. The Bowl Cut
As stupid as it may appear at first, the bowl cut is even stupider on second glance. However, that hasn’t stopped the likes of Jim Carrey (Dumb & Dumber) and Justin Bieber (Young & Annoying) from rocking said hairdo. Like the Pro Bowl, the bowl cut always seems a little out of place. However, unlike the Pro Browl, this haircut will actually be looked at…even if it is followed by pants-wetting laughter.
4. Puppy Bowl
Like the Pro Bowl, The Puppy Bowl is much more style than actual substance. It’s also much more urine. But, unlike bitter NFL “stars” who were not big enough stars to take their team to the game that actually matters, these puppies are cheerful, excited and willing to work for chicken flavored cookies. No one in the NFL has done that since John Madden. I even heard a rumor that this year, one of the teams traded a Toy Poodle for Michael Vick. Could be interesting.
5. Fish Bowl Drinks
What do you do after that goldfish you won at the carnival swims its final lap? “FLUSH!” Fill its [now vacant] home with ice, ten types of booze and enough straws to satisfy a cheerleading squad. Sure, these drinks were designed for women, but far be it from any man to avoid recreating the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp using a drink capable of turning the sweet girl at the bar into the tramp. Unlike the Pro Bowl, this bowl will leave you wanting more.
In closing, I’d like to send a heartfelt congratulations to all Pro Bowlers headed to Hawaii this weekend. I would be watching, except I have more important things to do, like clearing out space for my 18 foot party sub that we will be eating during real football game. Aloha!