Fireside Stories About Thieves Fucking Up Your Christmas

 Fireside-Stories-About-Thieves-Fucking-Up-Your-Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Smiling faces. Warm hot chocolate. Candy canes. Families bonding over bright lights and wrapped presents. Everything is joyous and magical. Nothing could ruin my perfect Christmas holiday. YAY! Jingle jingle jingle!

Enter… SATAN!

MUHAHAHA! All you little happy fuckers expecting a Christmas miracle are blindsided by us evil thieves looking to ruin anything synonymous with joy! Oh, you got some presents? Fuck you, they’re mine. Oh, you have a nice nativity set? Fuck you, stolen. A cinnamon bun that looks like a nun? Fuck you, I’m hungry! Anything you got, we want and we’re going to catch you with your joyous pants down at your ankle.

Christmas brings out the best in thief stories. These 10 stories are some of the best, funny, idiotic and outrageous stories we found about theft during Christmastime.

1. ADVICE-GIVING THIEF

December 1973: Ranco California, CA

In a note, this guy admits to not being a professional thief. He just needs a present for his two boys. So he takes a puppy and assures the owner that the dog will be in good care. THEN has the nerve to give the home owner advice: “You really should keep your doors locked, because the next person may not give a damn and he’ll clean you out.”

2. NUN BUN THIEF

December 2005: Nashville, TN

A cinnamon bun that looks like Mother Teresa was stolen from Bongo Java coffee shop! How is this news? Bongo Java had so many tourists for years coming to see the preserved nun bun that they even sold T-shirts and mugs with the Mother Teresa cinnamon bun image. Maybe this theft is a blessing in disguise because now Bongo Java can, oh you know, concentrate on selling good-tasting coffee instead of being just a gimmick.

3. ATTIC THIEF

December 2008: Philadelphia, PA

This dude, Stanley Carter, was living in a random families attic, wearing their clothes, eating their food and stealing their gifts. He even kept a list of everything he stole which he labeled “Stanley’s Christmas List.” Stanley sounds harmless and should be considered just another member of the family!

4. BABY JESUS THIEF

December 2005: Ocean Springs, Ms

One of those douchebags with an elaborate Nativity set on his lawn got a baby Jesus stolen. Can you tell what side I’m on?

5. MEAT THIEVES

December 2007: Sydney, Australia

16 tonnes or 35,274 lbs of Christmas ham and bacon. Now that’s a fuckload of awesome meat!

6. FLUTIE HELMET THIEF

December 1984: Boston, MA

Boston College quarterback stud, Doug Flutie, got a Christmas Eve present: his fucking helmet. A Boston College student snuck into the locker room and grabbed any souvenir he could find. He didn’t realize it was Flutie’s helmet until he got home and saw the #22 on it. He felt guilty and wanted to give it back, but not before him and his buddies “too pictures with the helmet and drank beers.” ‘Tis the Bowl Season, folks.

7. PINE NEEDLE THIEF

December 2011: Leoni, MI

A stolen Christmas tree was found by following the trail of pine needles left on the road!

8. THE RECENTLY FIRED FATHER THIEF

December 1985: Pittsburgh, PA

This thief has to be a father who was recently fired and has yet to inform his family about his misfortunes. The thief broke in and skipped passed a big TV, other electronics and a wad of cash laying out. What he did want is all the wrapped presents under the tree. This sounds like a broke father who’s too afraid to tell his wife and kids the bad news that daddy got laid off from the factory.

9. 14th CHRISTMAS IN JAIL THIEF 

December 2009: Denbighshire, Wales

In the last 15 Christmases, David Archer has spent 14 of those in jail. The thing is Archer never steals anything until it’s around Christmas time! Some of the crimes that has put him locked up for Christmas are all petty: stealing two bottles of whiskey, stealing charity boxes, stealing a collection box. Here’s the best one: In 1999, minutes after finishing a five-day sentence, he stole a can of lager and was arrested again! This complete disregard for the pettiness of thelaw is something I so approve.

10. BADASS STONE OF SCONE THIEF

December 1950: London, England

The Stone of Scone is a “block of red sandstone, used for centuries in the coronation of the monarchs of Scotland.” In 1296, the stone was captured by King Edward I and taken to Westminster Abbey, UK. In 1950 on Christmas Day, Glasgow student, Ian Hamilton, took a crowbar to the side door of Westminster Abbey, and along with three other students, stole the stone and returned in to its rightful home in Scotland. Badass theft.

 

 

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