Fat Tuesday: 5 Reasons to Stay on Your Ass and Eat

5. Fast Food Tastes Amazing

New studies come out daily pointing out how utterly shitty a quarter pounder is for your health, and everybody acts like we only got smart about fast food like, yesterday. As if evidence against saturated fat, or trans fat, or corn syrup was some kind of revelation.

This is stupid not only because fitness experts like Jack Lalanne have been telling people since the 1950s not to eat anything that’s man-made, but also because it assumes that now that we know all the facts about processed food, we’ll finally be able to get thinner as a country. Fitness in America is like dry land in Waterworld—a myth.

And it’s not because we’re not educated enough about processed food. It’s because processed food tastes freaking AMAZING. It tastes amazing, and its nature’s cruel joke that if something does taste amazing, it’s probably unhealthy for you. It’s also society’s cruel joke on every health expert in existence that no amount of negative fast-food propoganda will ever be able to supersede this

That’s a Wendy’s Baconator Double. No, it’s not just a myth—it’s real. It’s real, and it’s probably within 5 minutes driving distance of you right now. And no, it’s not expensive. You can buy two of them, if you want.

4. Working Out is Boring

Health gurus constantly praise the art of the full body workout as some kind of quasi-religious experience, like producing sweat is enough stimulation by itself to find the meaning of life. This might have been true, say, 100 years ago when reading Moby Dick over a coal lamp was the next best thing to sex. But today’s world is different. Our attention spans have been warped and shrunk to the size of a two-year-old’s. If this wasn’t an obvious problem, elliptical and treadmill manufacturers wouldn’t be selling their products with built-in freaking consoles. And gyms wouldn’t have at least one TV for every three running machines.

Weight loss is a numbers game. The only way you lose weight is by burning more calories than you take in. Simple, right? Right, except doing something like jogging for 30 minutes—the amount of time the Surgeon General recommends you spend daily on exercise— only burns like 300 some calories. 300—that’s not even enough to burn off a 6’ Subway Club. So…

Point 1: The Surgeon General is clearly the government’s version of everybody’s sweet, naïve grandma—they wouldn’t think nearly so high of you if only they knew how you really spent your time. Point 2: You’d have to at least double that recommended 30 minutes to put a serious hurtin’ on your cholesterol level. So, one hour? Ugh.

You have to have serious willpower and energy to divvy up your (assumingly) limited free time in favor of jumping rope over, say, a rousing Mario Kart Wii session, or literally a hundred other things that don’t involve jumping rope. But just add in a little variety! Sports psychologists say. Throw in a rope pull! Intermittent wall climbing stations! Sanskrit Yoga! Working out can be fun, too! No, it can’t. Otherwise it wouldn’t be called WORK-ing out.

3. The Cyborg Apocalypse is Still a Ways Off

And until it does happen and we have to relearn how to be hunters and gatherers and therefore have no need to worry about staying in shape because it goes hand in hand with just surviving, we’re perpetually stuck in a world where around 80 percent of our existence revolves around sitting on our asses. When we’re working, we’re sitting on our asses. When we’re playing, we’re sitting on our asses. We can even workout while sitting on our asses

Sociologists kindly refer to this a ‘sedentary lifestyle’. Our lives are dominated by passive and readily available forms of digital entertainment, making the need to, y’know, move or something to pass the time totally useless. And since we lead the world at importing and inventing new ways to stimulate the mind whilst sitting on the ass, sedentary lifestyles will be the norm until Skynet becomes self-aware. The only way you avoid a sedentary lifestyle in America in the meantime is by volunteering to be a day laborer, or one of those old-timey hobos who’s always carrying a stick with a knapsack tied onto it.

2. We Give Up Easy

Weight loss takes time. Looking awesome with no shirt on takes time. Like, many, many months worth of time, and many, many hours worth of energy. We all sort of know this, but that cold fact doesn’t really translate until you’ve put in a week of honest-to-goodness diet and exercise, look in the mirror after the week’s said and done, and…you still look more or less the same. FAAAACK!

Nobody likes eating rice cakes and tapeworms morning, noon, and night. Nobody. And stretching that shitty morning, noon, and night routine into some kind of odyssey is asking a whole lot when the average American gets impatient when their phone takes longer than five seconds to update their Facebook status.

Realizing this, we’ve gone so far as to invent surgical procedures like stomach stapling and liposuction to circumvent the whole ‘our collective willpower sucks’ issue, and the previously mentioned ‘working out is boring’ problem. But if Carnie Wilson can’t manage to stay thin with the aid of medical technology…



Aaaand we’re back again:

And maybe none of us can. They tried to rebuild her. They had the technology. But it’s unlikely that any of us will take that personally, because…

1. Being Fat is Less of a Big Deal

We all know the statistics. Almost 2/3 of all American adults are overweight or obese. The overweight/obese actually outnumber the non-overweight/obese. But according to this here chart, that’s a fact of life that’s been written on the wall since before NASA even knew how they were gonna fake the moon landing. Years go by, and we get bigger. And besides all of the reasons already listed, there’s more of a willingness to embrace a little extra poundage and accept the idea that being fat is not the end of the world. If fat wasn’t such a huge stigma, GLEE wouldn’t have given us Mercedes, and CBS would’ve passed on Mike & Molly.

If being fat was the be all, end all obliterator of psyches in this day and age, Oprah wouldn’t keep falling back off the wagon, right? And she probably has a whole team of chefs, trainers, and nutritionists on payroll dedicated (and failing) to keeping her thin.


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