The legendary pie to the face. Some call it a peaceful but forceful means of creamy protest, a way to express their displeasure with the establishment by the closest means one can come to assault by either ruining their appearance or property or the slim chance that they will contract diabetes of the face.
Others call it no more than an act of sudden aggression that manifests itself by way of the perpetrator’s inability to inflict physical damage on a person with only the aid of their hands, their will or their state requirement that they remain at least 40 yards away from any sharpened object.
We call it a relatively harmless way to release some pent-up aggression on a few dunderheads who really deserve it. Here are seven people who famously took a pie to the face and totally had it coming.
The singer and former orange juice whore led one of the most famous and self-destructive intolerance campaigns against homosexuals. So when the media darling set up a press conference to speak about their wickedness for being the way that God made them, a protestor showed up to give a good one in the face, prompting her to make the off-handed remark, “At least it was a fruit pie.”
Awesomely, this particular pieing was caught on video…
Why She Deserved It
First off, for her really stupid joke. Not only was it inappropriate and just plain mean, but it gives crummy malaprop comics hope.
And last but not least, she tried to take our lesbians away from us. No one gets between us and our lesbians unless, of course, she’s another lesbian.
Just evoking the unholy name of “Enron” can send chills up the spine of the snobby business elite who make their name by gouging the people under them or fits of justly laughter from the working class (unless the person evoking the name is Jay Leno). The former CEO and mastermind behind one of the biggest corporate fraud schemes of our time got a face full of creamy ownage from documentary filmmaker Francine Cavanaugh who was arrested and charged for her drive-by pieing. What the hell was the charge? Assault with a tasty weapon?
Why He Deserved It
This was long before Skilling and his cronies turned out to be the greediest mothers on the planet since Neolithic cavemen considered rape a “side dish.” His company had raked in billions off of California’s energy grid by causing huge blackouts and Cavanaugh hit Skilling with the pie as he was giving a talk on energy policy, which is like letting Jeffrey Dalhmer host a cooking show on The Food Network.
Rev. Fred Phelps
The controversial Bible-thumping preacher and “Cryptkeeper” stunt double devotes his entire ministry to fueling the fires of intolerance and hate against homosexuals, a “lifestyle choice” that he believes is causing all of the country’s emotional and economic hardships. In light of this, we felt the above image was the only appropriate choice here.
Why He Deserved It
If you don’t know why he deserved a dessert based face fucking then you either get all of your news from TMZ or you’re one of his followers and if so, pull up a large wooden spike, sit down and shut up. But unlike our reasoning for Mrs. Bryant above, he gets his message out by holding loud protests at places such as funerals of fallen soldiers and gay men and women killed by gay bashing homophobes. He’s just lucky that baseball bats and steel toed boots aren’t made of delicious Bavarian creme.
Gordon Liddy, Charles Colson, Tony Ulasewicz and E. Howard Hunt
These four names might sound like just another group of square business heads with suits sticking out of their bulbous neck skin, but together they make up four of the most notorious names in the Watergate scandal. They each got smacked with a pie for their crimes against our sanity. Liddy, Ulasewicz and Hunt were hit by Aron Kay, a prolific pier from the “Yippie” movement, a youth movement formed in the 60’s that held “marijuana smoke-ins” to protest pot laws, which would explain why he had access to so much pie.
Why They Deserved It
Underhanded political tactics are nothing new to D.C., but Watergate kicked it up a notch with an attempt to use poltiical party donations to run smear campaigns against opponents, illegally wire tap and record key political figures and eventually burglarize mischief makers in opposition to their cause. Liddy and Colson should have gotten double layers of delicious justice for daring to turn their notoriety as justice obstructionists into media darlings, if only pies had layers (we’re certain a very stoned yippie is working on it right now).
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