If you scan the Billboard charts or watch any Hollywood movie, you’ll see an endless array of six-pack ab having, well-oiled actors just waiting to open their pulsating loins for business with your lady. But that’s certainly not a recent development. Before Justin Timberlake was making your girlfriend moist, history was filled with men and women you could never measure up to in the love department.
Here are seven historic figures your girlfriend would leave you for…
1. Che Guevera
Che Guevara had so much going for him that he could be considered the ultimate one-upper. A skilled athlete and rugby player, Che was able to establish a successful reputation as a jock in his youth all while maintaining an affinity for poetry, philosophy, mathematics, history, and other subjects as uber-nerdy as his membership to local chess-clubs.
In short, Che was both a jock and a nerd with a dash of poet to boot, and to prove it he set out on a motorcycle adventure of South America at age 23—2,800 miles of which he traveled solo—all while helping whatever poor people he came across along the way, and he wrote a book about it.
Also, he looked this awesome the whole time.
Oh, and the best part: he did all this while a medical student at the University of Buenos Aires. Upon returning he published his studies and in 1953 officially became Dr. Ernesto Guevara. So yeah, ladies, in addition to be a motorcycling jock-poet with a heart of gold who enjoyed traveling and eventually became one of the most influential guerrilla revolutionaries of all time, dude was also a doctor.
The ultimate girl next door for women looking for more than to settle down with the men in their lives. This ancient poet hailed from the isle Lesbos, which incidentally is where the word “lesbian” is derived from and where we’ll be immediately relocating to after we finish this sentence.
Described as “the tenth muse” and the only living one, she remains the proud author of some of the most famous female homoeroticism in history. Even today her powers are hard to resist.
3. Cesare Borgia
Don’t confuse him with that whiny wimp from Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood. The real life Cesare Borgia was Machiavelli’s ideal prince and one of the greatest super villains in history.
The bastard-son of Pope Alexander VI, Cesare was a cold-blooded killer made cardinal at 18, a ruthless tyrant whose exploits have been made brutally legendary in Italy, the father of at least 11 illegitimate children, and many other bad things all while being described as “the strongest and most handsome man of his age.”
Seen here, looking to his right instead of his left
In short, if any of you ladies out there were ever attracted to bad boys, odds are your Renaissance-era father would have never let you out of your room since even the convent would not have been safe from this stallion.
4. Catherine II of Russia
One of the wealthiest and most powerful women who ever lived, this legendary czarina took control of the Russian Empire in a way any women would be proud of: by overthrowing her own husband. In the words of one biographer: “With no husband to restrain her, the Empress amused herself with a steady stream of lovers during her thirty-four year reign, mostly handsome young army officers.” She also shocked the continent by refusing to ride side-saddle, loved to take part in cross-dressing balls, and was described as having the most beautiful legs anybody had ever seen.
On a man, that is.
Catherine was also an immensely generous and devoted BFF who “stuck by her friends” and even bought one a country estate when her mother suspected a lesbian relationship. She also threw a huge slumber party for her ladies and maids right before her wedding, “but before we went to sleep we had a prolonged discussion on the differences between the sexes.” It’s the stuff Cinemax movies are made of.
As for her sex-appeal to women, one case was described as “an element of hysteria in her hero worship of Catherine.” After all, as far as women go, few could do better than Catherine the Great.
5. Nikola Tesla
Just because your girlfriend would rather be having sex with someone famous doesn’t mean that she could, and that’s what made Nikola Tesla so appealing to so many woman in his time: the man was untouchable. Tesla was strikingly handsome, polished, immensely articulate and cultured, and heralded as one of the most intelligent men on the planet. As for his hardware, the man was 6′ 6″, had large hands and “abnormally large thumbs,” and attached his name to inventions and products virtually indistinguishable from an enormous, electrically-charged penis.
“I call it the Wardenclyffe Tower, and there’s more where that came from.”
Despite being regularly chased by women his whole life, Tesla remained celibate and likely died a virgin. However, believe us when we say that this giant could have been up to his armpits in women if he wanted to. During one particularly electrifying exhibiton “the crowd lustily joined in while tightly corseted women fainted and fell like soldiers in battle.” Sounds like an Usher concert!
Other instances talk of him being openly pursued by women who clearly did not take no for an answer, and as such it was not out of the ordinary to see Tesla run from adoring fangirls like one of the Beatles.
The single most oversexed man of the Renaissance. Described by Vesarri as “a very amorous person, delighting much in women, and ever ready to serve them.”
This is how sex tapes used to be made.
Raphael had a habit of sleeping with his models, which was aided by the fact that he was described as one of the most beautiful people that ever lived. He enjoyed a nearly mythological reputation for his looks, and was recorded as being “so full of nobility and kindness that even the animals loved him.” He eventually died the way anyone would want to go out: after an all-night sex session that, let’s face it, someone’s time-traveling girlfriend probably paid good money to be a part of.
7. Franz Liszt
Hungarian pianist Franz Liszt’s 1841 tour of Europe was apparently so wild that it caused a new phenomenon for the male-dominated medical community to toy with: a type of female hysteria described as far back as 1844 as “Lisztomania,” or “Liszt fever,” a condition “that breaks out in every city our artist visits, and which neither age nor wisdom can protect.”
Yes, this type of hysteria.
Even though this was a time when most ladies couldn’t even ask for a newspaper without being branded a whore, women of every age and class struck with Lisztomania were known to scream at the top of their lungs, faint into the performer’s arms, strip their clothes and throw them on stage, and fight over anything that touched Liszt down to the tread in the fever’s inevitable byproduct: the mosh pit. Not helping the situation was the fact that the long-haired Liszt knew how to rock such a crowd like a pro.
A Liszt concert. Seriously.
By the time Liszt had fathered countless children across the continent due to this fever, he quit music to become—no joke—a priest.
Just like that, the archetype of what we now know as the rock star was born.