Ask TSJ: How Can I Improve My Boring Marriage?

marriageLife is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.

Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s questions comes from Mark, a reader in Vermont…

I have been married to my wife about 8 months now and things have totally changed. My wife isn’t as spontaneous, she rarely wants to do anything and her sex drive is completely gone. I don’t want to be “that couple.” What the hell do I do?

tracyTracy Pendergast: Mark, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, it’s very normal to fall into a slump, married or not. The good news is, there are definitely things you can do to get the excitement back in your relationship.

I’m a firm believer in three things when it comes to any relationship — communication, building your partner’s confidence and TIME APART!! These three things will help your relationship and your sex life!

Communication is so important. When you feel close to your partner and develop a strong trust, you can both be more open and comfortable with each other. I am a horrible communicator by nature but I have found that I can open up the most with my partner when we are doing an activity together, that way the attention isn’t only on me. Call me crazy, but I could solve the world’s problems while playing a Tetris battle. Make an effort to do things together and really use that time to talk and listen.

The next thing I mentioned is boosting your partner’s confidence. This is key for a great sex life. Even though you guys can have sex in any situation, be it hairy, stinky or chubby — women need to feel desirable and attractive. Point out the things you find attractive about your wife. Tell her you love her legs, fantasize about her stomach — ANYTHING! It’s amazing what a little confidence will do to her sex drive.

Lastly, time apart. This is SO important. You have to have lives independent of each other, that is what keeps you on your toes. I’m not saying go out and get shit faced once a week, but make an effort to spend time with friends away from your wife every once in a while. If all else fails, go to this website. My personal favorite is “Man of the Night.”

adamAdam Tod Brown: Eight months? Jesus, what did you do? Every couple runs the risk of becoming “that couple” at some point, but damn, it shouldn’t happen after less than a year. That’s a bad sign. I’d probably just get a divorce and hope things go a little better the second time around.

Okay, I’m just joking. Don’t get a divorce. I think Tracy’s suggestions are all good. Try all of that. But if none of it works, you may need to take a look somewhere else, like in the mirror, for example.

If your wife doesn’t seem like the same person after just eight months, it could very well be a reaction to the fact that you aren’t the same person either. Perhaps you’ve morphed into a bit of a dick? Maybe you used to have plenty of free time but now you’re so on edge about the prospect of building a family that you’re putting in extra time at work? Maybe you’re a nasty slob and the wife is tired of cleaning up after your filthy ass?

It could be anything. It could be nothing. But it’s a good idea to spend some time being honest with yourself and trying to figure out if maybe you’re doing something to turn your wife into a lifeless shut in.

For the record, I absolutely do not endorse that website that Tracy recommended. But that’s totally your call.

Adam Tod Brown is the managing editor of The Smoking Jacket. He would like to be your friend on Facebook and on Twitter @realadambrown.

Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and former Navy Seal. We might be lying about one of those facts. Check out her official website or follow her on Facebook to find out which one.

Got a question for Adam and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it…your life will immediately improve for the better.