Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.
Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s question comes from Dennis, a reader in Boston…
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a few months now and everything is great, except for one thing… her friends are bitchy as hell. It’s driving me insane! What can I do?
Tracy Pendergast: So you’re dating this really awesome chick, but her friends are being complete a-holes to you, this probably means one of three things.
First, it could just be that your girlfriend is kind of a bitch too. Let’s face it, the company you keep says a lot about you. If she’s surrounded in multi-racial Omarosa’s, chances are she’s just as bad. Take her home, pull up Youtube and search “fat people falling.” If she laughs at any of the videos, keep her around. If she calls you immature or mean, she’s probably a bitch.
If that’s not it, maybe her friends are just really possessive. Sometimes it’s hard to be accepted by your girlfriend’s friends, especially if they’re all single and they feel like you’re taking her away. I guess the best thing to do in this situation is always be a gentleman, don’t be too opinionated (which could give them reason to dislike you) and, God…I don’t know…give them some peanut butter and a Cockapoo. The good news is, once things become more serious, these people become less important and things will get easier.
The third and least pleasant possibility it, hey man, maybe they really don’t like you because you’re a super douche.
I have a few questions for you. Does your clothing have bedazzled skulls on it? Do you wear sunglasses at night? Do you love Dane Cook? Do you have a Myspace page? Do you have an arm band tattoo? Is your name John Gosselin? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it’s cool- regroup, wash off the bronzer and ditch the Hollister baby tee, you are a douche.
The awesome thing is, women LOVE a great makeover. Ask them to take you on as their group project, they’ll be all over that! Totes a win, win!!
Adam Tod Brown: Ah, the bitchy friends. It’s a problem that’s plagued men for ages. Bitchy friends, bitchy family, bitchy kids — it’s all deadly. Make no mistake about it, you’re at war here. If you really like this girl, and you want her to continue liking you, the bitchy friends are an enemy that must be overcome. Containment won’t work. This isn’t Clinton-era Saddam Hussein we’re talking about. It’s much worse. You have to be focused on destruction.
But first, build up some defenses. Don’t ever, under any circumstances, give the bitchy friends anything to bitch about when it comes to you. Be a gentleman, open the door, pull out chairs, go shopping when asked, skip watching the game on Sunday from time to time, don’t leave bruises in visible areas, all that good stuff. Just joking about that last one, by the way.
If you don’t give them any reason to bitch about you, they can’t attack. They’ll want to, because that’s what bitchy friends do, but they can’t. For extra safety, be nothing but nice when you encounter them. It will be a challenge, but it will pay off. Best case scenario, they’ll eventually relent on their bitchiness and see you as a friend. That should take care of everything. If it doesn’t, at least they can’t direct any of their Yenta quibbling in your direction.
Now, it’s time to attack. If your girlfriend is hanging out with these chicks, she’s probably a big fan of bitchy gossiping herself, so engage in some with her. Pay close attention to those bitchy friends for anything that you can use to your advantage. If they say something that implies they might have a jealous streak, wait until you’re alone with your woman and bring it up. Make sure to qualify it though, don’t say “hey, so Carol is kind of a jealous whore, am I right?”. That’s crass.
Instead, make it something like “you know, I really like Carol, but I think she’s kind of jealous of you.” Nobody ever passes on an invitation to feel superior to someone else, your girl will be no different. She’ll likely jump right in and co-sign that statement with you.
Keep the conversation about her jealous friend going as long as possible. Really drive it into her head. Now, your girl thinks that friend is a jealous wench. So when that friend inevitably turns her ill-mannered words toward you, your girlfriend will blow it off as nothing more than her typical jealous behavior.
Repeat as necessary with however many friends she has. Find their weakness, engage in some womanly gossip about it with your lady. Soon, you’ll be free to return to your typical asshole self, and no amount of bitching from your woman’s friends can do anything to stop you.
Enjoy your victory.
Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and former Navy Seal. We might be lying about one of those facts. Check out her official website or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @tracypendergast to find out which one.
Got a question for Adam and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it…your life will immediately improve for the better.