Holy buckets, you’re rich! Congratulations! What are you going to do with all that scratch? Buy a home? Donate to charity? Pay your bills? All ridiculous options that any wealthy person worth their weight in undocumented housekeepers would smack you clean in the face for choosing. If you really hope to do it right, that first purchase after coming into a financial windfall should be something completely absurd. Our suggestion? A home entertainment system that’s worth more than your house.
Here are seven essential purchases to get you on your way…
Pivetta Opera Amp
Retail Price: $650,000
Buy It: www.higherfi.com (currently on sale for just $490,000!)
Even though it looks more like a complex explosive device, rest assured, what you see above is an amp. That’s short for amplifier. And for that bit of useless information that we’re almost certain you already knew, you’re most welcome.
So what’s the big deal with this amp? Well, for one thing, it pushes a skull crushing 20,000 watts. But so does the average Honda Civic after an episode of Pimp of My Ride, that’s not a feature that justifies a price tag that could just as easily be placed on an NFL backup quarterback. Fortunately, the features don’t end there. The Pivetta Opera amp also does this…
Impressive, right? It’s like it…opens or something. There were machines in Transformers: Dark of the Moon that didn’t display this much athleticism! And speaking of that, the Pivetta Opera is also six feet tall. Seeing as how it’s made of metal and you are not, if for some reason it does spring to life like a Transformer, possibly inspired by the awful fucking house music you insist on pumping through it, you run. Fast.
Oh, and according to the product description, this amp is capable of powering ANY speaker. If you look for just one feature when purchasing an amp, by all means, it should be that.
Moon Audio Signature Titan Speakers
Retail Price: $500,000 per pair
Buy It: www.moonaudio.com
We’ve all heard that old adage about what happens when you pair a six-foot high amp with some bullshit bookshelf speakers, right? Right, no saying of that sort even exists. But the fact that our elders never warned against it doesn’t mean you should do it. Instead, outfit your new home entertainment system with a pair of Moon Audio Signature Titan speakers.
At six feet tall and weighing a little over one ton each, they’re the perfect compliment to your just as ridiculously huge amp. Hell, you might even consider picking up an extra pair to hollow out and use as a panic room for those times when shit gets really real.
But if being the biggest was all that mattered, we’d all be fawning over Khloe Kardashian, wouldn’t we? There’s way more to these speakers than free-space-swallowing dimensions. Each pair is handmade and signed by the designer, who probably makes less in one year than what these behemoths will set you back. So they’re autographed. That’s cool. They also employ technology derived from advanced tactical fighter plane design, nuclear reactor containment construction, atomic submarine radar jamming and junior varsity donkey punching (guess which isn’t mentioned in the specs?) to produce a sound so advanced that it extends beyond human hearing in both the upper and lower extremes. We have absolutely no idea how that benefits anyone at all, but still, it’s pretty impressive.
Also, installation is included with purchase, which is good, because it would probably take the same equipment used to build the Pyramids to get these things in your house.
With all of these features, you’re probably thinking that the Titans must be a nightmare to operate. But you’re wrong, stupid. They’re constructed with simplicity in mind, so all you need is a single stereo amplifier, which you should have already purchased before moving on to reading about these speakers. So you don’t even need any kind of fancy receiver or processor!
Krell 707 Evolution Processor
Retail Price: $25,000
Buy It: www.krellonline.com
But screw that noise, right? Who buys over a million dollars worth of speakers and amps but doesn’t buy a processor? It’s such a laughable idea that we could barely type the question. You need a processor. You need a processor like Seth MacFarlane needs reruns of The Simpsons.
Apparently, $25,000 doesn’t buy you much in the way of simple explanations as to why things cost as much as they do, because the specs and features listed on the Krell website are enough to occupy an entire article of their own. But know this…there are a lot of goddamn ports and inputs and outputs on that thing. And if you own one of these, you probably have enough cash to plug something into every one of them. Do it.
Vitus SCD-010 CD Player
Retail Price: $20,250
Buy It: www.vitusaudio.com
We certainly hope you aren’t planning to spend all this money on stereo equipment just so you can play your 128-bit rate mp3s through it. They will literally sound even worse on quality equipment. So put your burgeoning Internet piracy career on hold and invest in some music. Most people will opt for CDs, you might be one of them. If so, don’t half ass this part of your system.
While it’s true that you can totally get audiophile sound out of early versions of the first Sony Playstation, you’re going to look like an ass plugging what amounts to an outdated toy into a college education’s worth of audio equipment. So pick up a Vitus SCD-010 instead. It will accomplish all the same things that PS1 you were about to chuck in the trash can do in terms of audio quality, but does so at a price that means if you have to pawn it in the future, you’ll walk away with a few grand as opposed to a bunch of worthless Game Stop in-store credits.
Despite all of these great features (play a CD, skip to the next song on a CD, pause a CD, etc) there is one thing the Vitus SCD-010 will not do. It won’t play a Blu-Ray. But really, for this price, why would expect bells and whistles like that?
Krell Evolution 555 Blu-Ray Player
Retail Price: $15,000
Buy It: www.krellonline.com
Leave it to the people behind a $25,000 audio processor to also come through with a Blu-Ray player that is the same price as about 150 of the Blu-Ray players any of us probably own. After all, you’re not going to outfit an extravagant set up like this with some trash Vizio, right? Might as well be a VCR, man.
The Evolution 555 features 12-bit Sigma Design VXP technology for processing video algorithms for noise reduction, de-interlacing, scaling, image enhancement and frame rate conversion. And you know what that means…yep, we lifted the entire previous sentence from a website that actually knows what that stuff means.
Bang-Olufsen BeoVision 4 Plasma TV
Retail Price: $111,805
Buy It: www.bang-olufsen.com
Quick, think about which of your friends has the biggest television. Now buy this one. Boom, now you have the biggest television. You’ll be sleeping with that punk ass’s wife in no time. But there’s more to this tube (it’s not a tube, fyi) than size. It also does neat stuff like automatically adjusting the color balance after 100 hours of use to increase screen life and automatically adjusting the brightness settings according to the ambient light present in the room.
But that’s all clown shoes compared to the stand it comes with. Hanging 103 inches of sports viewing space on the wall is going to require, you know, a big ass wall. Not to mention how much of an eyesore it’s going to be when it’s not turned on. But fear not, because you don’t hang this on the wall. Instead, you set it about three inches off the ground. When you turn it on, the included (we certainly fucking hope) stand automatically raises the TV to optimal viewing height, turns it to the perfect position relative to where you’re sitting and then repeats the entire process in reverse when you turn it off. You’ll probably get laid like 50 times just pushing the power button.
Even with all of these items in place, you’re still going to need something to make your system stand out from all the others. And before you ask, no, a six-foot tall, two-ton speaker system isn’t going to do the trick. May we suggest instead…
AV Design Haus Dereneville VPM Turntable
Retail Price: $650,000
Buy It: www.avdesignhaus.de
A turntable? Yes, don’t laugh. Vinyl is the only physical music medium that has managed to thrive in the wake of Steve Jobs “ruining music” (no, Jon Bon Jovi, YOU ruined music). Records aren’t going anywhere, and neither are the devices required to play them. Does a $650,000 turntable sound any better than the $80 USB turntables you can buy at every electronics store on the planet? Hell if we know, there are probably federal laws in place that keep us from even speaking to the kind of people who can afford a purchase like this.
We can definitely vouch for how sweet it looks, though. And after translating their website from German to English, we were able to gather that it has features we know nothing about like a Gimballed tone arm, toe angle measurement laser (!!) and a Tangent linear unit with a stepper motor. Those wouldn’t be…goose steps, would they, Germany?
Sorry. That was awful. Like we were saying. This is a super expensive turntable. You should buy it. Just steal your parents’ record collection if you don’t have enough cash left over to actually buy albums.