Congratulations, you have an Eskimo brother. No, your mother is not a cheating whore. On the contrary, you’re the philanderer. In its simplest terms, an Eskimo brother (familiar: bro) is when you and another guy have had sex with the same girl. This sacred bond is not unlike being blood brothers, only the aforementioned bodily fluid makes the details of the sexual encounter that much more disturbing.
But having shared the same not-so-forbidden fruit comes with certain rules. The following are The 7 Rules of Engagement When Dealing With Your Eskimo Brother.
Thou Shalt Not Ask The Girl Who Is Bigger
Don’t do it. This is something that might sound like a good idea for both a comedic and scientific purpose, but it’s going to only lead to awkwardness. Let’s look at this from a “what if I really asked her that” perspective. First, you have to sit down with this poor girl, surely over something like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and inquire whether Eric’s baldheaded yogurt slinger is bigger than your own. Not only is this plain, weird, but this violates another very important rule.
Thou Shalt Not Tell The Girl You Know Your Eskimo Brother
Telling the girl who you just treated like an Olympic luge that you have a new sibling thanks to her vagina is only going to cause problems. No girl wants to be reminded that her “spot,” is less exclusive than a dive bar in a major city. Treat your Eskimo brother like it’s Fight Club, you don’t talk about it, or you’ll soon realize that indeed, “self-improvement is masturbation.”
Thou Shalt Not Create A Special Handshake With Your Eskimo Brother
Having sex with the same girl doesn’t afford you special handshake privileges. This is a practice solely reserved for Deion Sanders, Buzz Aldrin and Quentin Tarantino …and only when all three men are in the same room. Why, because surely the hand choreography would involve one person making the “okay” sign and the other making a phallus with his pointer finger. That. Is. Not. Okay. If you really need to commemorate the bond, bury a time capsule in the chick’s front yard.
Thou Shall Describe Your Sexual Encounter…Only Using Sports Metaphors
The intimate details of coitus aren’t necessary once you’re out of your teenage years. Why were they necessary back then? Because sexual details from peers were how you learned. You’d listen and review every detail as your buddy gave you the highlights like it was Sexual Sportscenter. In similar fashion, interacting with your Eskimo brother must be limited to describing sex acts using sports metaphors. For example:
Don’t: I was slammin’ her and I had like a 102 degree fever.
Do: I was like Jordan in Game 5.
Don’t: Dude, she wanted me to hit her.
Do: I pulled a Sandy Koufax in 1965.
Don’t: I couldn’t get it up. So I just sat there.
Do: I pulled a Brian Scalabrine.
Thou Shalt Not Get Air-Brushed T-Shirts Commemorating Each Date
Under no circumstances should there be written documentation of the Fellowship of the Dongs. Especially, one of those air-brushed numbers you get at Six Flags. Could you imagine going to one of those mall kiosks and telling the ethically ambiguous woman that you want a portrait of the girl, along with two separate dates. Sheepishly she’ll ask how she passed away, as this is surely a commemorative gesture, and then you have to describe through hand gestures and broken English that:
I put it in. He put in. Too. How much?
Thou Shall Relish In Getting In First
Being the younger Eskimo brother is not like being the normally advantageous younger bro in a conventional family. Arriving first (cumming?) places you in the catbird seat; you hold all the power. There’s no shame in letting little Eskimo bro know that your sloppy seconds should be as desirable to him as week old Little Caesar’s pizza. Second place is really the first loser, but instead of a silver medal can you politely tell him that you gave the girl a pearl necklace.
Thou Shalt Not Adopt New Surnames
Congrats! You’re sexually related, which sounds creepy and exactly like the logline for Deliverance 2: Still Squealin’. But this sibling bond should not come with a name change in the vein of Jake and Elwood Blueballs. Just keep it quiet and hidden in the exact same place you hide your drinking problem.