Don’t Just Vajazzle… Tajazzle!

Trashy chicks with smelly beavers are in luck—Tajazzle has arrived. This three-step system is designed to give a woman “personal confidence” by making her “smell good, taste good and look good,” while also allowing her to “put some bling in her fling!” We’re not really sure if “fling” in this instance is referring to her muff or her sex life, but either way, who cares? The point is that girls love jewelry and they want their vaginas to taste and smell like strawberries, right?

You’ve probably heard of Vajazzling, helpfully defined on the website Vajazzling.com as “the art of applying glitter and jewels to a woman’s nether regions for aesthetic purposes.” Well, Tajazzle is basically Vajazzle Plus. You can learn all about Tajazzle by watching its 14-minute infomercial featuring the worst actors in the history of the world. (Warning: You’ll think you are watching a Saturday Night Live skit, but you’re not—you can tell because you never hear any audience laughter.) Your basic Tajazzle package costs $39.95, comes with a scented body powder, a roll-on flavor and one crystal heart body tattoo made with “Swarovski elements,” a.k.a. NOT Swarovski crystals. As you’ve probably already surmised, the three-step process goes something like this:

Step One: Dust your body with Tajazzle powder—making sure to pay special attention to your stinky private parts. You’ll obviously want to get a good coating on those.

Step Two: Use the roll-on applicator to apply Tajazzle flavor all of your body, focusing once again on your noxious crotch area.

Step Three: Apply your fake Swarovski crystal tattoo somewhere close to your now fruit-fragrance-saturated gentials.

That’s it, ladies! Your twat makeover is complete, and now you and your glittery, Rudy Tooty Fresh n’ Fruity vagina are ready to hit the clubs. Revel in the experience of having every man you pass by look you up and down and then shoot you his best “fuck-me” eyes—even though you’re not that attractive. Why? Because now that you know you’re rocking one seriously sweet-smelling vaj, decorated with some sparkly doodads, you are oozing confidence. Guys will sense it, and then, they will totally want to screw you. Or, as one young stud and alleged bar patron declares in the infomercial: “She’s not the most beautiful girl in here, but she’s definitely the hottest.” Ah, yes, girls—those magical words you’ve been waiting to hear all your life. There may be tons of girls in the bar that are way better looking than you, but YOU will be the one that all the guys want to bang. Take that, pretty bitches—you just got Tajazzled!

And men don’t need to be left out of the fun. According to the weird guy with creepy eyebrows in the informercial, Tajazzle powder and flavor is great for penises, too. “Tajazzle keeps me dry and fresh, and the flavors….[long pause for dramatic effect]…. make my wife go wild.” And of course, by “make my wife go wild,” he means “she finally sucks my dick.”

So, what are you waiting for? Tajazzle is obviously a win-win situation for everyone involved. Call that 1-800 number and start enjoying the magic of a Tajazzled twat as early as tomorrow.