If the MTV’s Jersey Shore was a venereal disease (they’re about one Guido and a dirty hot tub away from making this a reality) it would be in the form of a rash that would spread so fast, it would be a worldwide epidemic. MTV has scored itself another hit show with four guidos, four guidettes, a truckload of spray tan, endless amounts of liquor and one duck phone. They provided us the apes and the world became its Jane Goodall, enthralled with their hard party antics and ridiculous drama every Thursday (AKA “Jersday”).
We admit it is an abomination of a show, offering the viewer nothing that can be described as enlightening, profound or even thought-worthy. On paper, Jersey Shore is pure junk that no intelligent human being with any self-respect would be caught watching, let alone scheduling their DVR to record every week. (Guilty.) And yet somehow, the show has become a cultural phenomenon, watched by over 8 million viewers all over the world by the time season three rolled around.
Like us, you’re probably one of those pathetic 8 million and since we have an inexplicable need to make you feel better about yourself, here are six reasons why it’s okay to like Jersey Shore!…..Bitch!
They’re Pretty Hilarious
By hilarious, we certainly don’t mean in a quick witted Louis CK way. We mean hilarious as in “That drunk guy totally just slipped on his own vomit,” kind of way. There’s Mike, (“The Situation”) whose abs are as beautiful as his face is horrifying. Pauly D’s “blow-out” hair is about as tall as his roommate Snooki, whose obsession with tanning is so severe that in some episodes she looks like a well cooked ham slathered in caramelized brown sugar.
If there was computer program that could turn cartoon characters into real people, the Jersey Shore gang would be the successful result. They’re the off brand Scooby Doo gang, only instead of the Mystery Machine they have the smush room and instead of Velma and Daphne, they have JWoww’s boobs.
They’re the Lesser of the Reality Show Evils
If television was a Taco Bell steak burrito, documentaries and dramas would be the steak, sitcoms and soap operas would be the cheese and veggies and reality shows would be the dirty napkin you wiped the grease off your mouth with.
While Jersey Shore is as trashy as reality shows get, in comparison to the other reality shows, Jersey Shore is the lesser of the evils. Their drunken experiences, fights and break ups are harmless fun that we all do at that age, only theirs is broadcasted around the world. They harm no one but themselves and maybe one or two foolish Italian cops who cross the path of Snooki driving in a foreign country with her Italian speaking GPS.
The other reality shows are much more disturbing because they’re usually grown adults with the same mental capacity as The Jersey Shore (Housewives of.. , The Bachelor/Bachelorette). Even worse, most of these other reality show “stars” usually have children that they’re influencing with their idiotic behavior (Teen Mom, Jon and Kate Plus 8). When Ronnie and Sam fight, the only victim in the ruckus is the mattresses that Ronnie throws out onto the patio.
Because We Wanna Party That Hard Too…Sort Of
While most of us have definitely had our share of partying in our 20s, more than likely, we didn’t party it up to embarrassing lengths like the Shore kids because we probably had to do something more than just gym, tan and laundry the next day.
The Jersey Shore’s only job is to wake up, have T-shirt TIME!, drink, go clubbing, fight, have sex then lather, rinse, repeat with a little GTL thrown in the mix. What twenty-some year old wouldn’t sign up for that gig? And since we don’t have the dedication and the budget for a spray tan a day orange complexion, we settle for living vicariously through them every week. And oddly enough, it’s almost as fun and definitely a lot more hygienic.
Learning the Shore Language is Cheaper Than Rosetta Stone
Prior to 2009, the term “smushing” was something you did with your shoe whenever you saw a cockroach, “grenades” were just those green exploding things you throw when you need to kill everyone in your general vicinity and fist pumping was probably better known as a sexual act done by aggressive lesbians.
After 2009 however; the Jersey Shore has taken those and a few more other words/abbreviations and developed a whole new Shore speak that you can master just by watching one episode. These days, most people know the call of T-shirt time! Not to mention GTL, FTD, DTF and GFA. And if they didn’t, they’re probably going to Google the other terms right after they read this sentence. (And by “they” we mean you.). It’s just another great way to annoy people at work when mooning them at their cubicles gets old.
They’re Brain Junk Food
Let’s face it, sometimes being as brilliant as we are can be pretty damn tiring. At some point we have to skip on our daily talks about quantum physics and string theory and just give our brains a break from a tough day of being more awesome and cleverer than everyone else. In comes Jersey Shore; the ultimate off button for your brain. Just come to the table with your five basic senses; a beer, a bowl of pork rinds and the remote (so you can press pause when the pork rinds and beer require you to run to the bathroom in the middle of Deena doing “the Jersey Turnpike.”)
Truly the only real and valid reason why it’s okay to like Jersey Shore is in the form of a 4’8, orange colored meatball named Snooki. Like it or not, Snooki will draw you in like flies to a rotting bologna sandwich.
Because if her poof and penchant for pickle sucking doesn’t get you….
Her wise words definitely will….
Snooki: After I run for president, Deena is going to be vice-president. I would get $h!t done in this country. The economy would rise, everyone would be tan, and all the radios would play house music.
Snooki: I definitely want to try again with Vinny, I actually named his penis Moby Dick.
Snooki: The staircase is really small and the bed is really wide. It’s kind of like an analogy of Vinny’s penis not fitting in my pinhole.
That sickening feeling you get in your stomach when you watch Snooki? Its love sprinkled with self-hatred. Embrace the Snooks. Just don’t wear white because Snooki love leaves spray tan smears.