In case you haven’t gotten enough of the man these past few months with all the chatter about his political aspirations and his heart-on for Obama’s birth record, this week we decided to focus our Stuff You Should Know series on Donald Trump.
Can we really say anything that hasn’t already been said? Probably not. But maybe we’re just rhetorically asking ourselves the wrong question. Can we really colorize and condense the legend of “The Donald” with a few shameless dick jokes and snide remarks? Try and stop us, bitches.
He Got Big Because of his Involvement in New York Real Estate
The question gets asked all the time “What does Trump actually do?” Well, his main squeeze from the very beginning has been real estate development in the New York City area. In 1971, Trump set up permanent shop in Manhattan because of the potential he saw in building skyscrapers & stuff and putting his name on it. Over the years, he’s also ventured into developing casinos, golf courses and hotels courtesy of his company, Trump Entertainment Resorts.
He Got Really Big Because He’s Kind of a Media Whore
The Donald is nothing if not self-promotional. He’s always been a showman, but it really kicked into overdrive back in 2003 with his show The Apprentice, and sort of snowballed from there. He’s done everything from singing Green Acres in full hillbilly regalia at the Emmys to shaving Vince McMahon’s head to a cue-ball live on pay-per-view.
These days, he spends as much time selling himself as he does real-estate. And, honestly, we don’t blame him. He reportedly earns up to three million dollars per episode for appearing on The Apprentice, making him one of the highest earning TV personalities. He’s even got his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Contrary to Popular Belief, He’s Not a Self-Made Man
Trump was born into the family business and got a considerable leg up via his father, real-estate tycoon Fred Trump. The elder Trump started his own construction business while he was still in high school and pretty much never looked back. After WWII, Fred Trump focused on building middle-income housing for returning servicemen, and between 1949 and 1963 built over 27,000 apartments and row homes all over the NYC area.
The Donald joined his dad’s business—then named the Trump Organization—after he graduated from the University of Pennsylvania when it was already one of the biggest acts in town. By the time he died in 1999, Fred Trump was reported to be worth over $250 million. So don’t forget to subtract that hefty inheritance when you read about The Donald’s net worth (more on that below).
He Owns the Miss Universe Organization
The Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageants all come courtesy of The Donald and his Miss Universe Organization. It’s because of this that he got into a rather large and pointless pissing contest with Rosie O’Donnell. It started when O’Donnell accused Trump of having the moral compass of a 20-year-old for letting 2006 Miss USA Tara Conner retain her crown despite being caught drinking and partying. The Donald fired back by calling her a fat cow, or something, and the feud got so earth-shatteringly vile that it forced KFC (yep, that KFC) to heroically step in and try to end the suffering.
Aside from the Trump Tower, he also made this…
Ivanka Trump is the daughter of Donald and his first wife, Ivana. On paper, she’s a businesswoman, socialite, heiress and part-time fashion model. In reality, she’s more of a boner fairy.
Nobody Can Really Agree on How Much He’s Worth, Not Even Him
Calculating the worth of a guy like Trump is tricky because most of his holdings are private companies, and their value can’t be publicly divulged. He’s most recently claimed to be worth $7 billion, but he’s notorious for exaggerating his wealth and (admittedly) not even being sure how much he’s worth. Estimates from legitimate sources have varied wildly over the past few years concerning Trump’s fortune:
Forbes magazine: $2.4 billion
Timothy L. O’Brien, national editor of the Huffington Post and author of TrumpNation: the Art of Being the Donald: between $150-250 million
North Fork Bank: $1.2 billion
Deutsche Bank: $788 million
His lawyer: Way more than that, I swear.
He Was An Unrepentant Birther
The Hair is Likely an Elaborate Cover Up
The rumor used to be that Trump wore a toupee, but he’s worked feverishly to dispel that myth by going as far as letting random strangers run their fingers through his hair during interviews. This, however, doesn’t hide the fact that his helmet comb-over is likely an elaborate attempt at hiding some serious balding. Let’s be honest, the guy’s 64-years-old. Furthermore, look closely at that picture and tell us that’s not an ingeniously coiffed, double-patterned comb-over meant to disguise a bare dome:
He’s Considering Running for President for the GOP in 2012
This year, Trump has stated that he’s seriously considering a run for president as a Republican Party candidate in 2012, reportedly believing that the GOP roster is thin enough that he might actually have a chance. Where does he stand on the most important political issues, you ask? Allow is to divulge:
- Life. That is, he’s anti-abortion
- Disengagement in Iraq and Afghanistan
- Same-sex marriage
- Gun control
- Foreign aid
- China (The Donald believes our economic relations between the emerging superpower should strike a more eff-you tone. Get ‘em, Trumpy)
Make with all that what you will. It’s not like celebrities running for political office is anything new. And honestly, what’s the worst that could happen? He makes a suckhole out of the economy? Oh no! Oh dear god noooooooooo!!!!
There’s a 95% Chance This is Bullshit
This isn’t the first time Trump has made noise about wanting to run for president. He’ll do pretty much anything for attention, and dropping subtle hints that he might run for oval office is one of the least shameless things he’s done to get his name in the paper. We equate this situation to when Howard Stern announced back in 1994 that he was running for governor of New York, and then conveniently dropped out on a lame technicality before the shit got real.
Either way, the situation is win-win for him. If he pulls out, at least he got a boost of publicity at no extra cost. If he actually runs and gets hammered, well, what’d you expect? He’s Donald Trump. If he runs and wins, HOLY FUCKING SHIT DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT!!! Stay tuned…