The Pizza Tracker is Only the Beginning

There have been some pretty sweet inventions over the past 50 years: Smart Phones, HDTV, The Clapper, ect. However, no invention has revolutionized the way guys eat more than the Pizza Tracker from Domino’s. It is very simply the most genius piece of technology ever. Ordering food online is still a relatively new concept; one that eliminates the need to repeat yourself over and over again to a confused Chinese stranger on the other end. This pizza tracking technology really takes the online ordering process into the future… and the future is bright!

For you unfortunate souls who have yet to track your own pizza from conception through consumption, here’s how it works.

Once your pizza (or pizzas for you fatties) has been ordered, you have a progress bar that lets you know exactly what stage in the process your pizza has progressed to. It may say “Jose is placing your bacon on top of your extra cheese” or “Jose was just fired for not washing his hands before touching your bacon.” So very helpful.

Following the pizza making process has all the fun of making your own pizza, but with the added laziness of never having to get off your couch. No more “where the hell is this pizza?” or drivers unwantedly showing up in the middle of your shower.

This is great technology… and we should use it in many, many other ways. Here are a few ways it should be used.

1. The Booty Call Tracker

Applying the pizza technology to pussy is the next logical step. I know that I’m curious what a girl is doing between our 2:15am text and her mysterious arrival. I wouldn’t have to wonder if there was a Booty Call Tracker.

2:15 Booty Call Placed

2:17 “Katie” is telling herself that she won’t be a slut by going

2:20 “Katie” puts on her sluttiest underwear and brushes her teeth

2:25 “Katie” decides to “clean up” a little and grabs a razor

2:30 “Katie” quietly leaves to not wake her judgemental roomate

2:32 While waiting for a cab, “Katie” is mistaken for a hooker and offered $1000.

2:33 “Katie” thinks about all the things she could by with $1000

2:34 “She Says No”

2:40 “Katie is in cab on her way over to you.”

2:50 “Katie is downstairs.”

2:52 “Awkward chit chat in elevator”

2:55 “Drinks are poured.”

2:59 “Clothes are off.”

3:00 “Sex is complete.”

2. Drug Tracker

The DEA and FBI have been doing this for years, and now it’s our turn. I would like to know where the weed that I will be smoking in 4 months, is growing right now. From soil to spliff, the drug tracker would update you on every step of the process. You’ll know when “Jamaican man is entering the parking lot” and when “Jamaican man is entering his prison cell.” I’m not sure how many dealers would sign on for this, but I’m pretty sure the public would be on board.

3. Cab Tracker

“Your cab will be there in 5 minutes” can mean anywhere from 1 minute to it’s not coming ever. Cab Tracker would let you know if “Ggfa-Al Jjiggea is stopping to gas up” or if “Ggfa-Al Jiggea is jerking off in a parking lot.” Either way, you won’t be left wondering where the fuck Ggfa-Al Jiggea is (how to say his name will remain a mystery though).

4. Charlie Sheen Tracker

This would be equally helpful and entertaining…mostly entertaining.

I’d love to keep writing these, but according to my Pizza Tracker, Abby is waiting at my door…or is that my Craigslist Tracker? Either way, let the good times begin.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.