Death by Hickey?

neck_hickeyNext time you’re fooling around and your partner tries to hoover your neck, proceed with caution because it seems that love bites can actually be quite dangerous when administered in just the right (err… wrong?) spot. Just ask the 44-year-old woman from Auckland, New Zealand who recently took herself to the ER after experiencing loss of feeling in her arm while watching TV one evening. Doctors at the hospital concluded that she had suffered a mild stroke caused by a hickey that had been given near an artery on her neck a few days earlier. Her boyfriend’s overzealous suction caused bruising inside her blood vessel, which in turn caused a clot in the artery underneath. The clot then dislodged and traveled to the woman’s heart where it caused a “mild stroke” and subsequent arm paralysis.

First of all, we have to say that we are not fans of the term “mild stroke.” We realize that some strokes are worse than others, but let’s face it: A stroke is a stroke—and, as far as we can tell, they ALL suck ass. Secondly, if a person must suffer a stroke and lose the ability to move his or her arm, it’s almost insulting to have it be caused by something as lame as a hickey. Just imagine if that poor New Zealand woman had died—her boyfriend would have had to spend the rest of his life knowing that he had accidentally killed her by engaging in a make-out activity utilized primarily by sixth graders. And what is the point of a hickey anyway? What’s wrong with plain old making out and some sensible neck nuzzling that doesn’t involve excessive use of PSI? Call us crazy, but we don’t think it’s necessary for a person to show affection by turning into a human succubus and breaking blood vessels. Sucking is infinitely more useful—and far less risky—when employed on other areas of the body. Let’s just leave it at that.