Let’s face the facts. A short guy is never going to be a woman’s type. No female has ever said, “My type is short guys.” It’s never happened. Not once.
Women are wonderful, scintillating creatures whose primary desires are to feel important, find a frozen yogurt that tastes like ice cream and marry tall.
If a woman is tall, they want to feel less gangly. If they’re short, they want normal-size offspring. In other words, if you’re short, you need to trick them into lowering their standards.
What follows are ten of my favorite short cuts for little men hoping to score big…
1. Confidence Is Key
The quality short guys need the most is the hardest for us to come by naturally, considering the childhood we all spent getting picked last for dodgeball. At first, confidence must be faked. Remember, you can’t give a SHIT what the hot girl at the bar or party thinks of you. Women are not attracted to men who need approval.
Outrageous pickup lines are great because you are already being noticed for the height you don’t bring to the table. (In fact, if you’re like me, you don’t even reach the table.) Outrageous pickup lines take the attention you’re already getting and flip it to your advantage.
Here are some examples:
- I’m Tom Cruise. Are you Nicole Kidman?
- I’m short and you’re not. I’m over it already. Are you?
- The body parts line up when we lay down.
Notice how ballsy these all are? Contrary to popular belief, self-deprecation is NOT the opposite of self-confidence. In fact, the best way to handle a physical weakness that others are pretending not to notice, is to lay it out there, then breeze past it.
And laughter is your key to breezing. In fact, every laugh you can extract from a potential date confers upon you the equivalent of a quarter inch more height. (The thing about tall, dark and handsome men is that they were never required to develop personalities. That’s pretty much the only downside to having ladies decide they’ll do you from across a bar.)
Start at the tallest woman at the bar or party and work your way downward. (But stop short at the friends of women you’ve already approached.) Eventually, you’ll find one who considers you the best offer she’s had all evening.
2. Step Your Shoe Game Up
Women draw big rings around their beady eyes to compensate. Dudes wearing heels is the same thing.
Will the chick at the bar or party really go home with you because you’re 5-foot-8 instead of 5-foot-5? Probably not. But you’ll feel more confident, and that she WILL dig.
Less than $100 from online stores such as Richlee, Tall Mens Shoes and Increasing Shoes, elevator shoes give you up to 3 inches hidden on the inside of the shoe (not all outside on the heel).
However, beware the downsides to artificial upness. Like women’s high heels, these shoes are uncomfortable, will give you blisters and push your ass out. So you might want to avoid the gay area of town if that sort of popularity bothers you.
Also, shoes have to come off if you’re lucky enough to get what you came to a bar for. So, whatever you do, take them off only once you’re horizontal with no possible further need to be vertical before the deed.
3. Get Your Hair Did
Keep it, um, short. Reminding people of the little Dutch Boy is not our winningest strategy.
Short hair makes you appear taller by pointing out the existence of a space between your head and your shoulders. Any perceived lack of one’s neck produces what height experts refer to as “the Barney Rubble effect.”
Unfortunately, the opposite of letting your hair hang down does not work. No one is fooled by upward hair. (See: “the Don King effect.”) The impression of height you make on others stems from your eye level — not from spikes, a giant Afro or any other surfboard of shellacked protein.
Whatever you do with your hair, keep it well-maintained, because everyone can see it. The top of a short guy’s head is public domain.
4. Dress Appropriately
DO: Wear pants and shirt of the same or similar color, so your legs and torso form a continuous line to the eye instead of two stubby segments. Striped clothing extends the body in the direction of the stripes, creating the illusion not only of height, but slimness.
DON’T: Wear cuffed trousers, horizontal stripes or anything that that exaggerates your width instead of your height.
DO: Wear narrow lapels and ties, and fitted jackets and coats, tightening the belt of your overcoat to narrow your waist.
DON’T: Wear a green uniform and extol the virtues of Lucky Charms.
5. Spin A Web
On Internet dating sites, you have no height. So don’t be stupid and pass up the opportunity to lie whenever asked.
Without lying, you won’t even be considered. Female profiles are brutally heightist. Hundreds on match.com specificy “guys 6 feet and over, please!”
However, all of these females are lying about their body type and age. So when you eventually meet, the possibility exists for a satisfying mutual-disappointment hookup.
6. Have a Plan
Attractive women with nothing seriously wrong with them do not need help finding dates. However, although it is the exception to the rule, blind dates can defy the odds and pay off. Just remember…
NEVER accept a blind date suggested by a guy. If he is not trying to bang this woman himself, she is unbangable. And if she is bangable, he will either be doing so or trying to, which could ruin your friendship.
Even if the set-up is suggested by a woman, be concerned. Here are some telltale descriptives and how you need to translate them:
- VOLUPTUOUS = FAT
- CURVY = FAT
- ADORABLE = FAT
- PERSONALITY (any mention of the word) = FAT and HIDEOUS
7. Get Desperate
If none of that other advice works for you, consider the following…
8. Find Shorter Friends
This confers the comparative illusion of height, although it may also confer the illusion of the Snow White crew at Disney World.
9. Maintain Your Distance
Never be seen from less than 10 feet away. If possible, pose among Bonzai trees.
10. Lie to Yourself
What you really want is meaningful companionship, not a multitude of empty sexual encounters anyway.
Corey Levitan is a Las Vegas-based humor writer who is 5-foot-5 even though his driver’s license reads 5-foot-7. Get more tips for short guys by following his blog at www.walkingshort.com.