Ten Things Women Would Rather Look at than Texted Pictures of Your Junk

kinsey mainIt would be a bold statement to say that EVERYONE sexts. But I think that in a way, nearly everyone that is capable of an “LOL” has sent something inappropriate via an SMS message. I didn’t realize I had participated in the act until recently. I thought what I was doing was just kidding, as I giggled uncontrollably before pressing send; but I doubt the person on the other end realized it was only a joke. As long as it’s vague and not graphic or vulgar, how is it any different than flirting or being a tease? At least, that’s how I justify it in my head.

As demonstrated by some very bashful gentlemen like Brett Favre and Congressman Anthony Weiner, sexting usually escalates to visuals. I can completely understand the man’s desire for a dirty picture. Women are undeniably beautiful creatures. Naked or clothed. Skinny or curvy. Who doesn’t love boobs? (Note: I said boobs. Not testicles.)

However, I would be lying if I said I was not curious as to the motive behind men involuntarily sharing images of their junk with us. Is it the notable/innocent “You show me yours… I’ll show you mine” line? Is it exhibitionism? Is it a perversion? When I found out my ex boyfriend was cheating on me through a very unflattering photo of his dong (Pull out the microscope, ladies!), I asked him repeatedly what lead to his actions and his only answer was “I don’t know.” Cool story, bro.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for flirtatious exchanges that leave you breathless over text message and sultry pictures of the woman of your dreams popping up on your smart phone – MORE POWER TO YOU! But the only cock I want on my screen is via Angry Birds.

Here are 10 things I would rather look at than your penis on my smart phone…

10. Gonzo


Unlike a penis… I would cuddle with the fluffy Muppet!

9. A Banana Sundae


Not only would I rather look at a banana sundae… I’d rather have it in my mouth too.

8. A Sea Cucumber


A sea cucumber is a marine animal with leathery skin found on the sea floor… and it squirts!

7. Hannah Montana Concert Candy


When I would rather look at Miley Cyrus (who’s face could stop a freight train) than a penis, it is a sad day.

6. This Tomato


Is that a tomato in your pants or are you just happy to see me…?

5. This Walk Way In London


Pagan Egyptian Trinity Symbol shadow fail!

4. A Geoduck


According to Wikipedia, “One of the longest-living organisms in the Animal Kingdom with a life expectancy of about 146 years.” It’s only human competition is Dick Cheney.

3. GloWorm

glowormGloWorm not only glows in the dark but it plays lullabies. Not to be confused with singer/songwriter “Gloworm” whose 1995 single “Young Hearts” has 2,000 hits on YouTube. He’s an Internet sensation!

2. Shake Weight

weightKeep a straight face while using this piece of machinery in a public place and I’ll give you $5.

1. Water Snakes

waterI was probably 16 years old when these no longer had an innocent meaning. Still filthy. Still fun. Plus, GLITTER!

In short, stop taking pictures of your penis. Save the amature pornography to Blake Lively and Vanessa Hudgens and their leaked cell phone shots. Life and love are not a game of Chatroulette. No one wants to look at your penis except for you.