Cosmo’s “What Your Va-Jay-Jay is Dying to Tell You” Condensed


It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.

This time I offer my take on “What Your Va-Jay-Jay is Dying to Tell You” from the September 2011 issue.

Cosmo Headline/Summary

What Your Vagina is Dying to Tell You

Odors, twinges…odd hoo-ha behavior is your vadge’s way of telling you that something’s off. But since the messages can be subtle, you need to listen up.

Dirty Martini’s Take

I gotta make it quick this month because of the fucking NFL lockout. Not because it condensed the fantasy football draft period (I don’t bother with that shit, as I fantasize about things like fucking Fergie, not being a football coach) but because all these snapped Achilles tendons caused by the lack of proper off-season workouts are really wreaking havoc with NFL rosters and thus my betting patterns. I hate having to do more homework than I expected, which is why I dropped out of school after the fourth grade and never looked back.

But my gambling addiction must be fed, so ladies, disregard what you’ll read in the new Cosmo. If your cooter reeks, here’s what it is dying to tell you 99.9% of the time:


Wait for it ….