Cosmo’s “His 6 Secret Sex Spots” Exposed

It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.

This time I offer my take on “His 6 Secret Sex Spots” from the July 2011 issue.

The Sexiest Spots to Touch Him During Sex

We found a new way to think about his junk that makes pleasing him easier than ever. Learn the secret, then use our brilliant moves.

♠ Dirty Martini’s Take

So, apparently the “secret” for women is knowing which areas of their sexual anatomy are similar to a man’s. Here’s Cosmo’s list:

1. Think of his shaft…like the outer curve of your breast
2. Think of his testicles…like your nipples
3. Think of the base of his penis…like your pubic mound
4. Think of the head of his penis…like your clitoris
5. Think of his perineum…like your G-spot

I’ll begin the critique by pointing out that there are only five “secret sex spots” listed in the article, not six as indicated on the cover. True, the sixth one, the frenulum, is presented as an inset to a photo, but it isn’t technically listed, nor is there any comparison to a particular part of a woman’s body. So for easily confused readers (such as myself and probably 95% of Cosmo’s target demographic) there’s some murky business going on here.

BTW, for those who aren’t hip to biologically correct terminology, the perineum is a guy’s taint, and the frenulum is the area on the underside of a guy’s cock helmet. You’re welcome.

But this is all just nitpicking. The real issue here is there’s nothing secret about the notion that touching his balls and various parts of his dick will put him in the mood. Women would be better served by gaining an understanding of some other things that are guaranteed to get his joint jumpin’. Coincidentally, there are six of them, and they all have something to do with the number six.

So here they are, ladies. Learn ‘em, know ‘em, live ‘em.

A 6-course breakfast

A 6-pack of beer

A winning 6-team parlay ticket

6 points (ideally by teams on his parlay ticket)

6 women who aren’t you (I’m partial to the original lineup of the Pussycat Dolls)

A 6-course dinner

And if those don’t work, here’s a seventh suggestion:

A 6-course dessert