Cosmo’s “Bad Girl Sex” Ruined

It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.

This time I offer my take on “Bad Girl Sex” from the February 2011 issue.


Cosmo Headline/Summary

The Naughtiest Trick I Ever Tried on a Man

We asked Cosmo readers to share, and we must say that you ladies are some wickedly creative goddesses. Steal these moves, and let them inspire new ones…we have 75 tempting bedroom ideas to work with.

Dirty Martini’s Take
Cosmo calls them “wickedly creative goddesses.” I call them “woefully clueless individuals” (which goes without saying if they’re reading Cosmo, which of course they’re not because these ideas all were made up by Cosmo staff writers, but I digress…).

While these 75 paragraph-length excursions into fantasy land are intended to bring about bombastic orgasms for everyone involved, I can envision disastrous outcomes to all of them. I have neither the desire nor the patience to pull the rug out from under the entire article, so here are the tricks that jumped out at me as being the most likely to end badly.


Cosmo Text

“With my boyfriend’s help, I made up a code language that only he and I understand. For example, ‘cupcake’ really means oral. Now, I post things on Twitter throughout the day that let him know what I want. For example I will tweet ‘I really want a cupcake.’ It feels bad posting something so public when only we know how X-rated it is.” —Melanie, 28

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

You know what feels worse, Melanie? Reading on Twitter that you “really want a cupcake,” rushing home expecting to give you oral, finding out that you were PMSing and seriously wanted a cupcake, and taking the full brunt of that PMS for not “understanding” you. So yeah, fuck the code language.


Cosmo Text

“My guy and I were taking a cab home after a night out. I draped my coat over his lap and gave him a quick hand job underneath it. The driver never even realized.” —Paz, 28

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

Something your guy realized, Paz, was that his pants were sticking to the seat. Why? Because the previous chick who cranked off her boyfriend back there wasn’t as “wickedly creative” as you are, and with no coat to block his blast, he exploded all over the upholstery. Nothing kills the mood like sitting in another dude’s goo.


Cosmo Text

“I like to tie my boyfriend’s hands together with a scarf. But instead of having him lie down on the bed so I can seduce him, I have him raise his arms over his head and attach his tied hands to the hook on the back of my door.” —Dee, 33

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

Everything was going great, Dee, until you decided to play some INXS in the background. The sound of Michael Hutchence’s voice caused visions of autoerotic asphyxiation to dance through your boyfriend’s head and he got the hell out of there as fast as he could.


Cosmo Text

“Moaning very loudly is my trademark move. It lets guys know I love what I’m doing and makes me feel really powerful and sexy.” —Jada, 26

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

Be careful, Jada. It could also let guys know that the Panda Express dinner they treated you to earlier isn’t agreeing with you.


Cosmo Text

“I snuck a vibrator into his nightstand drawer with a note on it that read ‘Use this on me tonight.’ That night when he opened the drawer to pull out his book, that’s what he found. I learned he can follow directions very well.” —Nina, 30

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

Unfortunately, Nina, you learned about that secondhand after your man mistook your handwriting for your roommate’s and used the vibrator on her instead.


Cosmo Text

“My husband was chilling in the bedroom when I shouted for him to come into the living room. When he walked in, I had no pants on and was bent over the arm of the sofa.” —Carmen, 35

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

Next to you on the arm of the sofa, Carmen, was the remote control. “Cool, I’ve been looking all over for that,” he said as he walked back out.


Cosmo Text

“To build anticipation, I send my boyfriend links to Cosmo’s Kama Sutra throughout the day. I let him know exactly what positions I want to try later.” —Andrea, 28

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

Don’t get your hopes up, Andrea. He’ll likely be spent after jerking off to Playboy’s Kama Sutra throughout the day.


Cosmo Text

“My guy was on the phone with a buddy, so I snuck up behind him, unzipped his pants, and started stroking him. He was in midconversation so he couldn’t hang up. It felt sinful watching him struggle to maintain his composure as I got him hard.” —Gina, 27

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

That “buddy” he was on the phone with was his bookie, Gina. Thanks to you, he placed the wrong bet and lost the equivalent of six mortgage payments. Sinful indeed. Good luck getting him hard ever again.


Cosmo Text

“My guy and I were out at a boring business dinner with his coworkers, and I took my phone, slipped it beneath the table, and took a photo between my legs. Then I sent it to his phone and watched him try to contain his arousal for the rest of the meal.” —Roxie, 31

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

Actually, Roxie, he was trying to contain his anxiety because he thought the photo came from the female coworker at the table who he happens to be banging on the side.


Cosmo Text

“Using lipstick, I drew an arrow on my belly that pointed south. Later that night when I undressed, he knew exactly where I wanted him.” —Naomi, 24

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

He also knew exactly what you thought of him, Naomi—that he’s an utter moron for needing such direction. Still wondering why he hasn’t called you since that night?


Cosmo Text

“I kept my shirt on and leaned out the open window of my apartment, then I asked my guy to enter me from behind. To anyone who walked by, it just looked like I was leaning outside, but I was doing so much more.” —Caroline, 26

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

That’s where you’re wrong, Caroline. To anyone who walked by, your facial expressions and lurching motions made it look like you were about to puke all over the street below. Boy, was it embarrassing when someone called 911 and the paramedics broke down your door.


Cosmo Text

“We were having a dinner party. About an hour before it started, I made him get naked and sit on one of the dining-room chairs. We had amazing sex. For the rest of the night, he kept staring at the chair. I’m sure he was reliving the memory.” —Molly, 27

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

He wasn’t reliving the memory, Molly. He was wishing he hadn’t left a skid mark on that chair.


Cosmo Text

“I like to wake him up by sticking my nipple in his mouth. It’s way better than an alarm clock.” —Betsey, 21

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

True dat, Betsey. Nothing snaps a guy out of a peaceful slumber like being suffocated.


Cosmo Text

“Once I brought a spatula in from the kitchen and asked him to spank me with it. Using something unexpected made it even more thrilling.” —Elaine, 27

Dirty Martini’s Unhappy Ending

The spatula gave him hope, however unrealistic, that you’d actually cook for him someday. That’s what was thrilling, Elaine.

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