It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.
This time I offer my take on “78 Ways to Turn Him On” from the June 2011 issue.
♥ Cosmo Headline/Summary
Dirty Talk That Drives Men Wild
We asked men to share the most crotch-tingling comments a woman has ever whispered, moaned, or screamed in the heat of the moment.
♠ Dirty Martini’s Take
Brace yourselves, fellas, because I’m about to say something I never thought I’d say: Cosmo got it right. Well, not all of it. Just as a broken clock shows the correct time twice a day, two of these 78 examples of dirty talk (allegedly offered up by guys but again clearly written by chicks) are spot-on. Of course, Cosmo whiffed badly on the other 76, so first, I’ll address a few of the misfires:
“The alarm clock sounded, and she hit the snooze button. Then she rolled on top of me and said, ‘We’ve got nine minutes. Let’s do this.’” —Tom, 26
Ummm, it’s called the SNOOZE button, not the FUCK button. Now leave me alone so I can at least try to sleep off a little bit more of last night’s bender.
“She grabbed my face with both hands and said, ‘Oh my god, I just came…and I think it’s going to happen again!’ Hottest thing ever.” —Darrel, 27
Yeah, it’s a total turn-on to get the same treatment Steven Seagal gave to Screwface in Marked for Death. Thanks, but I’ll pass on giving you orgasms that result in me looking like this:
“Sometimes, all I need is to hear a woman say my name.” —Cal, 26
Who is this Cal person? The lost member of Destiny’s Child? Wanting to hear your name during sex (or on any other occasion, for that matter) is a chick thing, just like talking for the sake of hearing your own voice is a chick thing. To paraphrase Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross: “Take it baby, take what you want.” THAT’S my name!
“I’ve never felt so comfortable and at ease with someone.” —Gene, 24
“‘I think you’re one of the few good guys left.’” I don’t normally hear a lot of compliments like that.” —Alex, 25
Any guy who gets aroused by either of these must get off on abstinence, because both mean “I will never fuck you, ever, not in a million years” in femalespeak.
“She was lying on top of me, we’d both had crazy orgasms, and we were gasping for breath. She held up her hand for a high five and said, ‘Good game.’” —Max, 27
That’s when you realize that the “she” is actually a “he.” Is your crotch tingling now, Sparky?
Now for the two that Cosmo got right:
“She made me breakfast in the morning. She said ‘Good morning, babe’ and gave me two egg-and-cheese breakfast sandwiches. I had a boner from here to Africa.” —Jesse, 27
I really have nothing to add to this one. It is perfect. Bravo, Cosmo!
“‘Should we invite her to join us?’” —David, 30
Again, right on. Just be prepared for the unpleasant aftermath when your girl gets pissed off that you paid more attention to the other participant and were more enthusiastic with her because she’s new, exciting and different. Remember, in the real world, threesomes are never this awesome: