Cosmo’s “Quickie Tricks” Questioned

It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.

This time I offer my take on “50 Ways to Seduce a Man (in a Minute or Less)” from the April 2011 issue.

Cosmo Headline/Summary

50 Ways to Seduce Him in Seconds

We asked Cosmo readers to share, and we must say that you ladies are some wickedly creative vixens. Steal these quickie tricks (a few are form experts, too) and let them inspire countless new ones.

Dirty Martini’s Take
Here we have another collection of fake reader-submitted contributions that clearly were concocted by the Cosmo staff. Shocker, huh? I sensed that my brain was turning to jelly at the sheer insipidness of the first several suggestions, but I decided to soldier on and turn the page anyway. That’s when this ridiculous sidebar jumped out at me:

So let me get this straight: you’re gonna spout off 50 ways to seduce a dude and then close with seven bullet points outlining why you despise men? Cosmo, you’ve reached a new low.

First off, the sidebar’s intro is written as if a guy will read this article while curiously flipping through his girl’s copy of Cosmo. Simply put, that’ll never happen, so let’s squash that notion right now. Granted, I read Cosmo every month…so my fellow men don’t have to.

Here are the takeaways from the bullet points:

1. Until we can dance less like Andy Samberg and more like Justin Timberlake, we shouldn’t even bother.

2. You can’t stand the sight of us naked.

3. You can’t stand the sight of our dicks.

4. Your lingerie shouldn’t excite us.

5. Contrary to previously accepted fact, you don’t get moist when you hear Barry White, D’Angelo or Usher.

6. Okay, we’ll give you this one, as we assume you’re dealing with Aunt Flo in there. We don’t want to be subjected to that either. Just remember to return the favor when we’re in the bathroom with the door closed. Because that means we’re either masturbating or …

7. So we’ve established that not only are you not turned on by our dancing, our bodies, our cocks, our libidos or tried-and-true panty-dampening tunes, but women don’t do it for you either. That leaves an unlimited credit line and shoes on the short list of things we can tempt you with. Got it!

One last thing: What the fuck is Vicky Cristina Barcelona? Men generally think more along the lines of Wild Things. File that away for future reference, Cosmo staff writers.